Home remedies for a brain that behaves like an asshole...And pictures of Paris Hilton

Every brain is so different and I spend a lot of time trying to understand other peoples minds and motives. There is an endless list of things that I fail to understand about the human mind and since I'm hopped up on caffine, I'm going to write about 6 things that don't make sense to me... until I get sleepy or distracted.

I think even the most confident people are going to have periods of self doubt. I blame self esteem for most misunderstandings. If people knew how to express themselves properly maybe there would be less jerks around.

Insecurity can manifest itself so differently from person to person. For some people it just makes them feel the need to take topless pictures of themselves and put them on Facebook and write annoying status updates about needing hugs...then there are the kind of people that just get really fucking mean.

Mean People

Lately I've been fixated on how people can be so mean. Didn't they sing songs in preschool about being nice to others? Didn't they fucking watch Barney?

I don't think that people are mean for no reason at all, I think people are mean because they are afraid of something...generally afraid of losing something or afraid of feeling something...I know it's often the case for me.

Sometimes I see somebody doing something cruel and I wonder why. I wonder what they have to gain from making another person feel small.

I've never enjoyed being patronised and I've never been any good at being condescending myself. I've never felt any kind of thrill from making another person feel awful, even if they have made me feel awful... I don't mean that I haven't ever said or done mean things but I generally feel so bad that I end up apologising profusely because the guilt eats at me like I'm a hamburger and the guilt is Kirsty Alley....


 THAT'S MEAN MICHAELA! SORRY KIRSTY! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

Though lately I am wondering whether compassion and empathy are missing personality traits for some people because things that people say and do can sometimes only be described a heartless, callous, insensitive...or may favourite “FUCKED”.

Social networking is like a breeding ground for wankers... People thrive having an audience to watch their dumb internet bullying.

So often, you see somebody write something that is clearly not intended with any malice and even with the ambiguity of text and no matter how many times you read over the statement, you can't find anything cruel in it.... but some argumentative asshole decides that the comment was definitely a personal attack on them. And some dumb online war breaks out

“Oh I read your status, You love cookies? What is that? Are you some kind of racist?”

What could that even mean?

The remedy for being an asshole: Look at your life and try to work out why you get off on talking down to people. If constantly humiliating people gives you a boner then maybe you should seek psychiatric help because in medical terms, you are 'fucked'

Grown adults who think they are adorable when they talk like babies

You are not! Please stop with your fake speech impediments. People spend years and loads of money to learn how to correct their speech defects yet you are purposely putting on a voice that makes you sound like a toddler. The only kind of person you are going to attract with your baby talk is a blind paedophile.

Catchphrases: “I need snuggles”

“I wuv my baby”

The remedy: I don't know? A lobotomy? A dictionary...? A John Cusack film? A book on how-to-express-yourself-with-real-words? A montage of Sylvester from Loony Tunes saying things vs Jude Law saying things and you can decide which one has a sexier voice?

vs

Unreliable people

Unreliability in general just annoys me, though I can look past it if somebody is a generally nice person but just not that organised, because I am not that organised myself.

I am an over-committer. Oh what's that you say facebook? 26 events all on the same night? And one is in Melbourne? I can totally do that. This is how I get burnt out and sick all the time. Overcommitting is one thing I do understand.

I have come to accept that the majority of my friends are going to be late for almost every occasion and I can forgive that as long as they recognise when something is important and make the effort.

What I struggle to comprehend is the idea of verbally committing to thing's when you have no intention of doing them. Honestly it's much easier for somebody to tell you in advance that they can't do something than to find out 5 minutes before that you are going to see the Backstreet Boys on your own. Honestly, if you have no intention of doing something, just straight out say you can't...make up a lie if you have to. I'd probably rather you lie to me a day in advance and feed me some elaborate story about why you can't make it, than you call me on the night and say “I have no money” or some other lame flakey excuse...really?

The thing that I find most intriguing about these erratic beings is that they are often not all that understanding when you have to bail on plans yourself...Even if you have a decent excuse....WHAT DO YOU MEEEEAN YOUR GRANDMA IS IN HOSPTITAL? WE HAD PLANS BITCH....never mind that last week they skipped your birthday because some dude in a band asked them to go back to his place and drink bong water.

The remedy: prioritise

Complete selfishness

I believe its healthy to be selfish at times. I don't think its possible to be completely selfless and still be happy all the time but I am baffled by just how many people will not do anything that doesn't get them some kind of personal gain.

I think that the average person can not be that busy in their own world that they can not spare time to occasionally do something just out of the goodness of their heart. Perhaps if that's too much to ask, they can start with baby steps and just be a little bit considerate of the people around them.

I had this wicked bitch of a customer come into the choclateria that I work at with her friend. Her friend said about 8 times that he was allergic to chocolate but instead of being like “Hey that's cool, let's go pretty much anywhere else...somewhere where everything isn't chocolate with a side of dipping chocolate so you can have something”...she proceeded to stare at our menu for the next 10 minutes...I seriously wanted to punch her for him.

He kept saying “Yeah I can't have anything here” and she just kept saying things that made me want to hit her “Oh this looks good”

HE CAN'T FUCKING HAVE IT YOU MENTAL BITCH. This is like taking a vegan to a steakhouse, why the fuck are you here?

I get that people don't have time to be all Mother Teresa and volunteer every day of their life but do you think you could have a little fucking understanding for somebody who is meant to be your friend?

Catchphrases: “me me me”

“Why are you upset?..Oh wait I don't care”

The remedy: Go do some volunteer work...maybe watch The Green Mile, Rabbit Proof Fence or the first 7 minutes of Pixars film Up!.... If you cry, Congratulations! You are capable of empathy! There is hope for you yet!

"Tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people"

People who believe rules do not apply to them

I'm not sure what the deal is, these people come from all kinds of socio-economic backgrounds so it's not just a 'posh' kind of thing. Some people just have this unfounded sense of entitlement that makes them believe they are allowed to jump the queue, smoke in non-smoking areas, park in loading zones and pretty much just ignore every sign ever made.

Catchphrases: “I'm just going to go before you”

Remedy: WAIT YOUR TURN MUTHAFUCKA!

People who run hot and cold

One day they are sending you a million texts and want to hang out all the time... then you don't hear from them for weeks but they turn up suddenly and now require a large quantity of your attention for another few days ….then rinse and repeat. These people are exhausting.

Catchphrases: “Lets hang”....followed by 4+ weeks of no contact then “lets hang”

The remedy: look up the word 'consistency' in the dictionary and try to implement it in some way shape or form before everybody gets sick of your temperature changes and decides to get a new fancy hot water system...oh I don't know guys, its really fucking cold and I think I've taken this blog entry as far as I can go and now I just want a bath. Ok Bye

proof....



And uh......................................................................