Why can I see your chest pubes?Why are you wearing thongs over socks? And other fashion trends that baffle normal people

I enjoy fashion but there are some trends that just don‘t make senses to me….

As a general rule I think that looking good is mostly about attitude, if you think you look good, you do…with a few exceptions

Thongs over socks- and other weather contradicting clothing

Sandals and thongs are made for summer…for when its too hot to wear real shoes.

You don’t under any circumstances need to wear them with socks…apart from looking ridiculous it just makes no sense! If your feet are cold, there are miraculous inventions called enclosed shoes which are specifically designed to cover your WHOLE FOOT (wow?)…


Don't be 'that guy'

Beanies worn with singlets are the stupidest look. I always see dudes wearing those super baggy singlets that show off their nips and THEN they pair it with a beanie I’M SORRY WHAT? So your nipples are hot? …are those three chest pubes that I can see keeping them warm?…but your head is cold?…even though there is an unlimited supply of Hanson style hair on your scalp? Please tell me why. You look like an insane person. Please put on a real shirt and take that thing that looks like a used condom off your head NOW.


or that guy

Fake knock offs-

stop trying to pretend you can afford Chanel. You think you look fab but EVERYBODY knows it’s a fake. Do you know how expensive Chanel is?

The first hint that it‘s a fake? People who own anything that fits into the category of authentic haute couture do not pair it with thongs and a shitty fake tan…unless the bag was given to them by a rival company to drive down the value…I hear that’s how Snooki gets all that expensive shit…do you want to be like Snooki? …

And while we are at it Chanel don't make fingernails...do you know who do? $20 a session workers at a nail salon.  Next time tell them to skip the  fake )( symbol on your nails and go with shellac colour.
You do not need a tacky symbol on your bag to look good and your cheap knock offs are still probably more expensive and more likely to fall apart than an adorable bag from Collette.

Denim underwear…and clothes that don’t fit

If you’ve got it flaunt it…well kind of. There are short shorts and they look good on women with great bottoms…We all envied Kyle Minogue in that spinning around video, wearing those tiny shorts…that’s the kind of ass that CAN wear those shorts

Then there’s denim underwear…which looks good on zero percent of the population. Please believe me when I say this, I.can.see.your.pubes.
Lets confirm- chest pubes out- bad look. Front bottom pubes- also a bad look. Ok. Glad I cleared that up.

Considerd hot 10 years ago:

Not considerd hot....ever:

There is a rule in fashion that women should know and abide by whenever they are in public and that is “Show 40 % of flesh,”. I’m pretty sure I read this in cleo when I was 13 and any fashionista will tell you its true, beyond that 40 % is a world of trashy that you can only get away with if you are performing onstage or at the beach otherwise NO and to denim underwear ALWAYS NO.

Clothes with words-where to draw the line.

I like funny shirts ok, I’m THAT girl. I will laugh at a guy who’s shirt says “Pants”…Its funny ok, his shirt says “pants” and its CLEARLY a shirt. THAT MAKES ME LAUGH…



what makes me laugh in a altogether different way are shirts that try to be “cheeky” but are not actually clever or funny…and more come across as sleazy

Eg:1% angel 99% devil…what is that? Its not even remotely intelligent? I had to waste 2 seconds trying to pretend I wasn’t looking at your boobs to read that? Seriously? Go away




Your clothes can have writing if you’re sending a message…I’m not going to punch you for wearing a shirt that says “save the whales”…I might laugh if you’re a fatty though hhaha ‘save the whales’ GOOD ONE!

Catchphrases or movie slogans are universally accepted as being ok. I like them because I think a persons movie taste says a lot about them and a person who wears a shirt with a picture or slogan from a movie is probably really into that movie…as in they probably ordered it online for a stupid amount of money and waited 8 weeks for it to be shipped here…if a person likes a movie THAT MUCH they should be allowed to wear that shirt. Also they are conversation starters.

‘Vote for pedro’. You seem like a hip guy. You intrigue me…Did you like the movie that much that you’re still wearing the shirt? Are you wearing it ironically… I don’t know? I bet people just point at you and go “ha! Napoleon Dynamite” …it’s a conversation starter, I get it. Wear the shirt, if it makes you happy to wear the shirt, just wear it.

Shirts with Fonzie on them make me want to be your friend, mostly because I feel like you won’t be intimidating if you’re wearing a Fonzie shirt..because I like The Fonz and I am not the least bit cool.


Cut offs-
Get away from me you abomination! Why god why?




ONLY FOR COMEDY PURPOSES
otherwise:NEVER

Valentines day-tips to get you laid

First off. I want to begin by saying that I don't hate Valentines day. I've never had a truly amazing one but I‘m not a completely cynical single gal.

I think it is great in a sense because if you are crushing on somebody it might give you the added confidence to be all “Hey I like you” and if you’re already with somebody it gives you the chance to say “I‘m glad I found you” so that’s pretty neat.

Though I do have a bone to pick with Vday and maybe a tip or two for people who have their heart set on doing the whole cliché gift thing this year.

Myth: All girls love flowers

Flowers are a crap gift...unless they are orange. I think of flowers as being one of those 'I actually don't know you at all' type gifts and in the worst way ...because they die pretty fast.

Teddies are another lame one…but then again if you like somebody and they get you a shitty gift it can still be kind of special. Are you writing this down boys? Unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure that she already likes you then do not get her flowers because the only thing that will die faster than those roses is her already dim affection toward you…but all is not lost, I will give you some gift ideas later that are sure to woo her…even if you are not that amazing…which lets face it if you are taking advice from me, your options are probably pretty slim.

Make it personal:

The best valentines gift I've ever received (not that its a competition but yeah it kinda is) was a Family guy key-ring from this boy that I liked . He also gave me a toy bee that said something like 'bee mine'... This saved it from being another lame stuffed toy because I fucking love puns. Anyway I loved it because I felt like it was a gift that said 'hi. I actually know you. I know that you think Stewie Griffin is the best and I know that you will laugh at a bad pun'…. And that’s what I think gift giving should be like …rather than red roses which sort of say “It’s what the other dudes were doing and today about a billion other gals will get roses so yeah I didn‘t think too much about making this a really personal gift…but it did cost me $12.99...sooooo wanna bang anyway?” No. She does not.

Michaela’s gift ideas (Guaranteed to get you laid***)

Ok I know I said that teddy bears are lame but you know when something is so pathetic that it goes beyond the realms of being shit and becomes good again? Ok No? Mike Myers is really good at it… when a joke starts of funny then gets ridiculous…then gets so ridiculous that its funny….well I want you to think of Valentines day as being Austin Powers…and I don’t mean that I want you to start talking in a shitty British accent…I want you to think of the cheesiest thing ever…then do something even cheesier.

I am talking make a mix tape…with a card that includes why you chose each song…please try to include as many puns as possible….and then a shitty drawing on the front…don’t worry if you cant actually draw because it will probably make it better. For brownie points, include a song that you wrote yourself…again don’t worry if its bad, they will think its really sweet that you tried and you will definitely get pity-sex.

Alternatively Van Gogh seemed like a pretty romantic dude…Why not give a loved one a piece of you this Vday? I wouldn’t cut off an ear though if I was you …or limb that you particularly needed…like your arm…maybe just a toe or something so a piece of you will always be with them…don’t have any second thoughts or wonder “Is this creepy?” totally.not.creepy.

***Disclaimer: Michaela will not be held liable if you do not get laid using these tips…you should actually consider that attempting any of these this a reflection of your own insanity and seek help. I mean really? Why are you taking my advice? These are all terrible suggestions




this guy knows^^^^

Addiction and how I think celebrities are other celebrities

My Addiction

Addiction is easy to talk about because I have an extremely addictive personality. In fact my biggest issue is going to be trying to fit all my addictions (and thoughts on addiction) into less than 2 pages….because I’m addicted to talking.

Milkyways-my gateway drug

Ever since I was little I have been obsessed with milky way chocolates. When I first moved out of home I seriously went days where that’s all I would eat…and then spend half of those days on the toilet screaming “Milky ways, you will milky pay for what you are doing to my ass” (…ha! I did it!… barely even a paragraph in and I’m talking about my bowel movements…)

I tried rationing and trying to use them as a reward like “you finish this essay and you can have 1”…but then I would just get ahead of myself and eat them all. Now I don’t keep them in the house and definitely do not buy packets because I just can’t be trusted…

This little anecdote kind of sums up how I see addiction; If I find something I like and stick with it until it makes me sick enough to stop….and that’s kind of how I think it is for most people, you keep doing it until you lose something you care about…for me I lost control of my bowels…and I care about that.

IMDB

Another thing about addiction is that whole idea of replacing the ritual that they teach alcoholics…you know when you spend your time NOT doing something you end up needing to fill that time with something else. Eg: I am not eating milky ways and subsequently spending 127 minutes on the toilet so now I have time to watch a movie.

I have the most unhealthy addiction to film and tv so its fitting that after Facebook and google that my most visited website would be imdb.

If I am watching a movie and decide that I’ve seen the actor somewhere else, I then feel the need to 100% confirm it, I will track that mother fucker down by all means necessary… (by which I mean I will go on imdb)

I am possibly the most annoying person to watch a movie with for the fact that I am wrong about 70% of the time so even if we get to go back to the movie I will probably sit there shaking my head for the rest of it saying “I was so sure it was them”…so maybe I also have an addiction to never being wrong.

Here are some of the faces I have confused:

https://

I often wish life had an instant imdb search so that the next time a marginally attractive person calls me by my name I could hit the search button and learn their name and work out where I know them from… then I would stop calling people weird made up names or saying “hey….yooooou”

Other addictions of mine:

Painting my nails

My fingernails are generally painted up like little tuxedos or watermelons. I spend way more time on them than most people could generally be bothered with

Shoes

I’ve lost count but I must be up to over 100 pairs by now yet still lay around saying “I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR”



Zach Braff

You know it

Music:

Yes I know, everyone likes music but I get really hooked on ONE song and play it on repeat for weeks. When I first heard Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard in Highschool, I played it for a really really long time and everybody in my house hated me and now when I find I new song that I love I refer to it as “My new Ocean Avenue” and my sister knows to keep her door shut for a month or so in order to avoid hearing “I‘m Not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with yooooou do do do do do do do do do do”





Addictions that annoy me (it wouldn‘t be me of I didn‘t complain):

Smoking

Smoking stresses me for a lot of reasons. Chiefly because I highly doubt anyone has their first cigarette and just loves it…its not like other drugs that give a quick release…it takes some getting used to before you start to enjoy or crave it.

I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong but when I finally tried a cigarette for the first time a few years back I just coughed and spat and felt gross…which is why I don’t understand how a person takes it up as a habit to begin with, knowing that it is going to make you feel awful and cost a lot of money…but I guess you look oh so cool doing it so ok…personally I just dress like The Fonz and say “Beey” a lot when I want to be cool…I changed it to “Beeey” rather that ‘Eeey’ because I call myself the Blond Fonzie or ‘Blonzie’ and I wanted to have my own blonde catchphrase…oh and if you’re reading this and thinking “NOWAY! She‘s lying, she couldn‘t possibly be THAT cool”… my sister will tell you all about it…but my sister has a disorder where she says things are ‘annoying’ when she actually means that they are ‘cool’ so disregard when she says “Yes she does it and its very annoying”…she DEFINITELY means cool.

I digress. Basically, I feel like people have the right to smoke if they want to but so many believe they have the right to do it anywhere they want. No, I believe you have the right to pollute your own body but non smokers have the right to breathe clean air.

The area out the front of the café I work at is Non-Smoking, there are signs everywhere. Its non-smoking because people dining there don’t want a side of fucking cancer with their decaf soy latte…. But guaranteed daily, somebody smokes there or questions why they can’t smoke there.

If you smoke around me, I’ll usually stand back but I‘m not among the category of people who feel the need to stand there telling you to give it up because its bad for you….I do loads of things that are bad for me but If you smoke in my face, I will get the shits. If you smoke near a child, I will think you are a moron.

Phones

People who can’t put their phones down when they are in the company of other people seriously annoy me. If I’m waiting for a call I will apologise and tell the person I’m with but it stresses me out when somebody asks to hang out and then spends the entire time texting somebody else.

At work, people always come in on their phones, make their order and then if you need to confirm anything they look at you like you’re interrupting them. Um asshole that’s rude!

I want to give these texting freaks and people who talk on their phones a taste of their own medicine…yeah punk! How about when you’re talking to me I will just turn and talk to somebody else, because that’s how it feels when you do that.

People addictions

Ok this may sound a little contradictory because I listed Zb as one of my addictions but people that get overly fixated on other people stress me out. I am talking real world not fantasy maybe-if-we-ever-meet-we-might-get-married world…because I am not ruling that out (Zach Braff call me!)

Anyway…you know when your friend gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend or perhaps just makes a new pal and suddenly life revolves around that one person.

For the sake of explanation, I’m going to call this one person ‘Eglantine’ because its not a very common name to hopefully it won’t offend…oh and if your name is Eglantine its cool because this isn’t about you…so lets just clarify, if your name isn’t Eglantine, this isn’t about you and if your name IS Eglantine, this still isn’t about you…Ok? Good lets start…

Eglantine comes along and now even if you and Bob (Bobs your pal ok…or Bobita if it’s a girl…Sorry if your name is Bob/Bobita….fuck I don’t have time for this)…so now you and Bob/Bobita cant hang out as much which is ok but then when you do actually see Bob/Bobita all he/she does is talk about Eglantine(Eglatinis if it’s a boy) so if he/she is not talking about Eglantine/Elatinis (lets just say ‘Egg’ for short)…if THEY are not talking about Egg its because Egg is there…so Egg is always there, whether in body or spirit because everything is about Egg…then they break up with Egg or stop hanging out with egg and you think “phew its over” but now they just keep talking about Egg even more. Yeah I feel like I’ve lost you

Basically I am pretty independent for the most part, I hate being reliant on one specific person. Even when I’m madly in love I need a break from people in general to keep my sanity… so people that can not get through a sentence without making reference to their ‘other half’… or basically anyone who refers to their boyfriend/girlfriend as their ‘other half’ stress me out. You are a complete person. Be in love for sure, that’s awesome but if you rely on another person to fill all your time and make you happy then I probably find you a bit annoying…

….What’s that? I’m running out of room because I’ve spent too much of it trying to make up pseudo names and talking about Milky ways and shitting? Are you serious? Whatever I was totally in the mood for some scrambled EGGS anyway