Ways to feel like less of an ass-face without even leaving your computer screen

Ways to feel like less of an ass-face without even leaving your computer screen

Ever felt like you are a bit of an ass-face? Said or done something that was just a little bit stupid? Are you searching for somebody to make fun of to make your own life feel a bit less empty and sad? Look no further! I've got you covered....
With Michaela's-list-of-people-who-are-definitely-way-sadder-than-you-and -if-they-are-not-then-maybe-you-should-sort-your-shit-out
... it's a long title


People who post at the bottom of any current affair article
When I want to feel better about myself, I just read the comments posted on pretty much any type of current affair article and watch ass-holes trying to blame every single thing that has ever gone wrong on their Government...
First these geniuses talk about how they could do a better job of running their country than their President/ Prime-minister...which would be ok if they weren't the most ill-...informed individuals and mostly spouting made-up statistics mixed with racist or sexist or digs at their Parliamentary leader...or sometimes just picking on a physical trait...oh wow, you are so smart, Julia Gilard is a 'stupid ranga'....yes her hair colour must really come into play when she's coming up with that carbon tax...A brunette never would have gone for such a thing! 'What an absolute whore she is!'
...
Maybe instead of focusing on the gender, race or hair colour of the politician, take a look at what the party is doing and what is wrong with their policy.
If your only issue is: “TAXES! FUCKING TAXES”
...Do you have any concept on how a country is actually run? Have you ever had to see a doctor? Driven on a road? Done a little wee on a side-walk?
Where do you think the money for all of this comes from?
It is perfectly ok to be unhappy with your Government, I am hardly Labours biggest fan right now but maybe educate yourself and go running your mouth off. What a bunch of wankers

Read comments at the bottom of any youtube video

The people who comment on youtube clips are about 90% dickhead...I don't mean that 90% of people that comment on these clips are dickheads...I mean that every single person that comments on a youtube clip is made up of 90% dickhead.

Seriously, have you ever read youtube comments? They are so stupid that it hurts. Mostly its people just quoting the video that you just watched... what dude? We all just watched it, why are you quoting it? Oh Will Ferel said “miiilk was a bad choice”... I know that he says that... Do you know how I know? Because I just watched the clip and shit my pants laughing even though I've seen it 861 times but it's as funny now as it was when I watched it the first time...STILL you don't need to say it..the actual name of the video is “Milk was a bad choice”... Its a 12 second video with very little dialogue... In fact the only words in it are mentioned in the title...you don't have to say anything. You are the worst.

The other kinds of people that like to comment on youtube videos are straight up argumentative ass-faces (technical name)...these ass-faces come in all shapes but these are my faves

The I-know-more-than-you ass-face

As the name may suggest, this guy/gal likes to prove that they know more than you about everything. If you are watching a band video, they knew them first, they knew them before they were famous, they touched the singers penis and know his favourite colour... If you are watching a comedy, they think you are such an ass-hole because you never watched the comedian do stand up before they got their big break...like get off the bandwagon you pretender, who are you? How have you not seen every single comedians stand up ever? And I bet you only know who the Moldy Peaches are because you heard them on Juno....

Yeah that is actually how some people talk... Does it really matter if somebody only heard a song yesterday? Are they not allowed to like the song? Is there only a certain amount of 'like' allowed for a song and if they suddenly like it are they stealing your 'like'...is there not enough 'like' to go round?

The What-you-like-is-shit ass-face

You're not even sure why this character is here. They kind of turn up on this really awesome Hanson video just to say they don't like Hanson. First off, What the fuck dude? Why do you not like Hanson? Do you have working ears and a heart?...

Anyway they just say a bunch of stuff about how the thing that you like is actually shit...but why? Why are they looking at this video in the first place? Do something else. You're very weird

I have no interest in Twighlight..so I don't watch Twighlight videos...why don't you go do something that you do like?

The if-you-don't-agree-with-me-I'm-going-to-make-homophobic-comments assface

This dude just calls everyone 'faggot' and tells them to eat a dick because they are obviously gay... and that's what homosexuals do. How clever. What a very clever ass-face

Have you heard of a little website called “Guys with iphones”...??

This site contains a lot of penis...I'm not going to lie to you it's like 99% wang...as in its mostly naked dudes and at the bottom of the page it says “Powered by a love for hot men who appreciate the finer gadgets in life.” and then there are heaps of advertisements for porn on the site...

I blame my pal, Elise for this mishap because when we were trying to look up pictures of severely obese people (hint:another way to feel good about yourself) she so kindly suggested that I take my google search off 'moderately safe mode' and now when I look up anything in google images, all I get are boobs and dicks...boobs and dicks...Google search: Betty White and I bet even a few boobs and dicks pop up

Anyway, I wouldn't recommend going on there...I was honest to god trying to look up pictures of douchey guys with stupid topless facebook photos of them being vain and so ya'll could laugh at them too...but I was subjected to something 'vein' in an altogether different way...penises...I'm talking about penises.... and a lot of them ...but because I care about my audience, I persevered and have brought you a [G rated] collection of douchey guys and girls who will make you feel much better about yourself

"I'm taking this photo of myself and I'm really surprised"


"I only like to open my eyes half way because I think it makes me look like Ryan Gosling"...It doesn't

"Just two bro's, taking photos in front of the mirror...like bro's do"



"I can do this with my arm and hold my phone with the other arm but I still haven't worked out the timer feature on my camera"


I don't even....
The ones of girls were not as funny so I am just posting a bunch of duckfaces described as "specquackular" by http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/50-specquackular-duckfaces

Please appreciate the amount of dick-picks I scrolled through to find these gems....And speaking of Dicks....

How can you not feel better about yourself when you see that guy?

What an ass-faced dick

Home remedies for a brain that behaves like an asshole...And pictures of Paris Hilton

Every brain is so different and I spend a lot of time trying to understand other peoples minds and motives. There is an endless list of things that I fail to understand about the human mind and since I'm hopped up on caffine, I'm going to write about 6 things that don't make sense to me... until I get sleepy or distracted.

I think even the most confident people are going to have periods of self doubt. I blame self esteem for most misunderstandings. If people knew how to express themselves properly maybe there would be less jerks around.

Insecurity can manifest itself so differently from person to person. For some people it just makes them feel the need to take topless pictures of themselves and put them on Facebook and write annoying status updates about needing hugs...then there are the kind of people that just get really fucking mean.

Mean People

Lately I've been fixated on how people can be so mean. Didn't they sing songs in preschool about being nice to others? Didn't they fucking watch Barney?

I don't think that people are mean for no reason at all, I think people are mean because they are afraid of something...generally afraid of losing something or afraid of feeling something...I know it's often the case for me.

Sometimes I see somebody doing something cruel and I wonder why. I wonder what they have to gain from making another person feel small.

I've never enjoyed being patronised and I've never been any good at being condescending myself. I've never felt any kind of thrill from making another person feel awful, even if they have made me feel awful... I don't mean that I haven't ever said or done mean things but I generally feel so bad that I end up apologising profusely because the guilt eats at me like I'm a hamburger and the guilt is Kirsty Alley....


 THAT'S MEAN MICHAELA! SORRY KIRSTY! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

Though lately I am wondering whether compassion and empathy are missing personality traits for some people because things that people say and do can sometimes only be described a heartless, callous, insensitive...or may favourite “FUCKED”.

Social networking is like a breeding ground for wankers... People thrive having an audience to watch their dumb internet bullying.

So often, you see somebody write something that is clearly not intended with any malice and even with the ambiguity of text and no matter how many times you read over the statement, you can't find anything cruel in it.... but some argumentative asshole decides that the comment was definitely a personal attack on them. And some dumb online war breaks out

“Oh I read your status, You love cookies? What is that? Are you some kind of racist?”

What could that even mean?

The remedy for being an asshole: Look at your life and try to work out why you get off on talking down to people. If constantly humiliating people gives you a boner then maybe you should seek psychiatric help because in medical terms, you are 'fucked'

Grown adults who think they are adorable when they talk like babies

You are not! Please stop with your fake speech impediments. People spend years and loads of money to learn how to correct their speech defects yet you are purposely putting on a voice that makes you sound like a toddler. The only kind of person you are going to attract with your baby talk is a blind paedophile.

Catchphrases: “I need snuggles”

“I wuv my baby”

The remedy: I don't know? A lobotomy? A dictionary...? A John Cusack film? A book on how-to-express-yourself-with-real-words? A montage of Sylvester from Loony Tunes saying things vs Jude Law saying things and you can decide which one has a sexier voice?

vs

Unreliable people

Unreliability in general just annoys me, though I can look past it if somebody is a generally nice person but just not that organised, because I am not that organised myself.

I am an over-committer. Oh what's that you say facebook? 26 events all on the same night? And one is in Melbourne? I can totally do that. This is how I get burnt out and sick all the time. Overcommitting is one thing I do understand.

I have come to accept that the majority of my friends are going to be late for almost every occasion and I can forgive that as long as they recognise when something is important and make the effort.

What I struggle to comprehend is the idea of verbally committing to thing's when you have no intention of doing them. Honestly it's much easier for somebody to tell you in advance that they can't do something than to find out 5 minutes before that you are going to see the Backstreet Boys on your own. Honestly, if you have no intention of doing something, just straight out say you can't...make up a lie if you have to. I'd probably rather you lie to me a day in advance and feed me some elaborate story about why you can't make it, than you call me on the night and say “I have no money” or some other lame flakey excuse...really?

The thing that I find most intriguing about these erratic beings is that they are often not all that understanding when you have to bail on plans yourself...Even if you have a decent excuse....WHAT DO YOU MEEEEAN YOUR GRANDMA IS IN HOSPTITAL? WE HAD PLANS BITCH....never mind that last week they skipped your birthday because some dude in a band asked them to go back to his place and drink bong water.

The remedy: prioritise

Complete selfishness

I believe its healthy to be selfish at times. I don't think its possible to be completely selfless and still be happy all the time but I am baffled by just how many people will not do anything that doesn't get them some kind of personal gain.

I think that the average person can not be that busy in their own world that they can not spare time to occasionally do something just out of the goodness of their heart. Perhaps if that's too much to ask, they can start with baby steps and just be a little bit considerate of the people around them.

I had this wicked bitch of a customer come into the choclateria that I work at with her friend. Her friend said about 8 times that he was allergic to chocolate but instead of being like “Hey that's cool, let's go pretty much anywhere else...somewhere where everything isn't chocolate with a side of dipping chocolate so you can have something”...she proceeded to stare at our menu for the next 10 minutes...I seriously wanted to punch her for him.

He kept saying “Yeah I can't have anything here” and she just kept saying things that made me want to hit her “Oh this looks good”

HE CAN'T FUCKING HAVE IT YOU MENTAL BITCH. This is like taking a vegan to a steakhouse, why the fuck are you here?

I get that people don't have time to be all Mother Teresa and volunteer every day of their life but do you think you could have a little fucking understanding for somebody who is meant to be your friend?

Catchphrases: “me me me”

“Why are you upset?..Oh wait I don't care”

The remedy: Go do some volunteer work...maybe watch The Green Mile, Rabbit Proof Fence or the first 7 minutes of Pixars film Up!.... If you cry, Congratulations! You are capable of empathy! There is hope for you yet!

"Tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people"

People who believe rules do not apply to them

I'm not sure what the deal is, these people come from all kinds of socio-economic backgrounds so it's not just a 'posh' kind of thing. Some people just have this unfounded sense of entitlement that makes them believe they are allowed to jump the queue, smoke in non-smoking areas, park in loading zones and pretty much just ignore every sign ever made.

Catchphrases: “I'm just going to go before you”

Remedy: WAIT YOUR TURN MUTHAFUCKA!

People who run hot and cold

One day they are sending you a million texts and want to hang out all the time... then you don't hear from them for weeks but they turn up suddenly and now require a large quantity of your attention for another few days ….then rinse and repeat. These people are exhausting.

Catchphrases: “Lets hang”....followed by 4+ weeks of no contact then “lets hang”

The remedy: look up the word 'consistency' in the dictionary and try to implement it in some way shape or form before everybody gets sick of your temperature changes and decides to get a new fancy hot water system...oh I don't know guys, its really fucking cold and I think I've taken this blog entry as far as I can go and now I just want a bath. Ok Bye

proof....



And uh......................................................................