Alcohol and other drugs and how my loser friends made up the name 'mode' for valium and said "It'lgetyadrunk"

Every time I am hugging a toilet and calling out for death to find me, I make a promise to myself that I will never drink again.

Every time I read some dumb incoherent text that I sent the night before, I make a promise to myself that I will never drink again.

Every time I see a photo of myself sprawled across the floor or dancing on a chair, I promise that was the last time.

I drink more than I should. I have never touched another real drug... well what I constitute as a 'real drug'.

I remember when I was a teenager, my friends gave me some stuff called 'mode'...I didn't know for a long time that this was just a made up name they had decided to give valium.. they just told me “It'll getya drunk”. (I hung out with some fucking losers)..It is a good trick though if you want to get loose but have very little money...but maybe don't give your pals a fucking shit load of muscle relaxants without telling them what it is first.

Drugs intrigue me. There are some people in my life that I have only ever known when they are drunk or stoned... not that they always are (well most of them aren't) but because I only see certain people on the weekend, that's just they way it works out.

SO WHY DON'T YOU?

I get pretty exhausted when people grill me about not wanting to snort, smoke or ingest whatever drug is on offer. People ask you like “What so you've NEVER tried it? WHY THE HELL NOT?”

I feel like I'm not the one who has to explain or defend myself... and I kind of feel like saying WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO?

Just today, a guy I work with told me that he often has people ask him why he doesn't drink which I think is sort of fucking rude.

I get why people do take stuff and I'm not being all High and Mighty or ever ruling out the idea that I may one day take something but I don't feel like I need to and I feel much safer drinking, just because I'm a lot more certain about what is going into my body.... even if I don't know exactly how its going to effect me....please refer to hugging toilets and any previous blog entry that talks about me professing love or calling people cock heads when I drink.

MY PERSONAL RISK

Alcohol can be fun when it doesn't make you vomit and piss your pants and generally wish you could die.... and I presume that drugs are also fun but for me its the risk factor. I just don't know how things will effect me physiologically and I am not willing to fuck myself up long term for a short term high.

I've spent a lot of time in hospital due to my mental health being a mess and let me say that 1. I don't need drugs to be fucked up and 2. in that time I was given enough medication to last me a life time.

Since then I have learnt to value the feeling of freedom when you don't have to rely on a pill to make your brain work.

I know that I have a predisposition that makes myself a little more sensitive to any kind of stimulant than the average person so while most people can smoke a joint and just get the munchies... it could potentially be enough to send me back into hospital for a week...It could also be fucking awesome but I'm not curious enough to get all Girl Interrupted again.

YOU LOOK LIKE A DICK

I've been sober when people around me are drunk. Sometimes it's kind of funny but often when you're the only sober one you think “Is this how I look when I'm wasted? AM I 'THAT GIRL'???”... and the answer is probably yes.

This is what we think is happening when we are drunk grinding

This is probably more accurate>>>>>>>>>>>

And this is the heartthrob you're dancing with.>>>>>>>

ADDICTION

I have had a lot of friends that have had drug or alcohol issues, some to the point where they can't function without it. After a really shitty break up a few years back, I made a concious decision to not spend so much time with those people.

I can hack people taking a pill on the weekend or smoking the occasional joint and I won't yell at you if you decide to do lines on a Friday night but if it's Monday morning and you need that shit just to get out of bed...if you are taking days off work just to stay home and get stoned...if you have no money for food because you spent it all on alcohol...and after all that you can still say“I don't have a problem” then I don't really feel like I can be in your life without being a nag.

I don't blame people for having addictions, I have plenty of my own and I don't judge them for how they got there because I think how easily I could have been there too had one thing happened differently.

BEING AN UPPITTY JUDGEMENTAL BITCH

At one point I do remember being that girl that was like “How when our generation is so educated do people pick up these habits?” but I get how the risk can be so low when you feel you have nothing left to lose and I also get that some things are just fucking addictive and what starts out as fun just ends up being a daily requirement.

A lot of people do just try things out and are able to monitor that,

I know that I am not that good at self restraint... fuck I am insane when I decide I want a TimTam, like my mind is just one track “GOTTA HAVE IT!”...could you imagine me on crack?...It would probably kill the TimTam cravings but I think I'd be the most mental bitch out.

"Get me a side of crack to go with my Tim Tam please kind sir"

I remember meeting the sweetest girl in hospital. I was so shocked to find out that she was there for an Ice addiction...I mean “what the fuck?”.

There she is, this girl, my age, my sense of humour with an upbringing not so different to mine and somehow she got messed up in this drug ….a drug that everybody knows you are not meant to touch.

It broke my heart because I felt so in-tune with her, we were best buds from the get go but she was going through this unbelievable struggle that I could not understand and that up until meeting her, it was an addiction that I made no effort to try to understand.

I' would just sort of look at people like that and wonder how they could be so stupid. I think a lot of people think that way and a lot of people that don't do drugs have this narrow mind set of “You did this to yourself so why would I help you?”.

Its kind of silly when you think about it because if your pal smoked cigarettes and got lung cancer, I'm pretty sure you would still go visit them in hospital and bring them flowers not just go “SUFFER BITCH, YA DID IT TO YOSELF SUCKER”...if you did, you would probably be a bit of a psycho, so good luck with that...also why are you yelling?...and did you go all the way to the hospital to say that? So many unanswered questions

WHERE IS THE LINE(of coke and how do I get it?)

I have been offered every kind of drug I can think of at some point between hanging out in seedy bars and people I met in hospital. I have been tempted at times but something has always happened to stop it, whether it was my brain/mouth saying “No thanks” or some dude saying “Whoops I just finished it” and the universe being like NOT TODAY BITCH, NOT TODAY.

I feel like its inevitable that I am going to want to have hash cookies in Amsterdam or that one day when I'm drunk and in the right/wrong place I'm going to smoke snort or ingest some kind of illegal substance that my P.E teacher told me that I shouldn't.

…..but I don't ever look at my life and think that it needs drugs to make it more interesting and for me I don't know where the line between what's ok and what is not gets blurred... somewhere between caffeine and crystal meth I guess?