The dumb questions people in relationships ask single people ...and how I draw on my boobs

If you are single and somebody asks you why you are single, you kind of feel like punching them. Then following with a series of questions of your own
Really dude?
Does my not being dependant on another person in my 20's make me a bad person?
Does being in a committed relationship make you a happy person and not being in one make you an unhappy one?
Are you retarded?
Questions like that....

I am single for a lot of reasons.

Sometimes when I'm doing something really odd like drawing around my nipples with texta to make them seem larger and pretending to be Kate Winslet, I think back to all the times I convinced somebody to say that they were in love with me ...because I really am an odd young lady.



Just yesterday when my sister mentioned the time I hurt my hand on the fan when I was dancing by myself I asked her if she remembered the other time where I hurt my foot when I was doing high kicks to Tom Jones and she responded with something along the lines of "I can't remember all the weird things you do". Well played.

Anyway back to the whole "I'm in love with you" thing. That's a big deal right?...I mean granted most of these people probably weren't actually in love with me but more in love with the cooler version of myself that I pretend to be when I start seeing somebody...you know back BEFORE I let all my crazy out...but whatever, the words were said and I'm keeping them.
If you've ever been in love you know that feeling...butterflies, rehearsing conversations in your head...making up nicknames for the person based on anagrams of your names combined...ok so maybe that last one is just me...like I said before "WEIRD"...just fyi an anagram for Michaela Kaiser Zach Braff is "Airmail crab hack sheaf fez"

Anyway before all my relationships ended in break ups of Marissa Cooper style proportions...well not quite so much...the dude that liked me didn't have a gun and try to shoot himself in front of me...oh and how about when she shoots Ryans brother? How does a gal in the OC have so much access to guns? Ok so my stories were not quite so dramatic but add in Americas lax gun laws and they might have been...ANYWAY before all that stuff that didn't actually happen I was in a few semi proper pseudo relationships...none of which really made it past the 3 month or so mark... which was usually just enough time for me to think that I was a total stud and then do something to wreck it.



I want to start by saying that my reasons for thinking I am a stud are valid and any other person single or in a relationship can probably agree that this is how the whole dating thing goes:
When you are single, for the most part you only get hit on by oddballs and uggos...or often people that fall under both of these categories.
Yet as soon as you do the whole commitment thing BANG you know that guitarist from that band you saw months ago and thought was super cute? Yeah he comes into your work and he's not only gorgeous but also hilarious and he want to hang out with you... Then the same day that you change your relationship status to "in a relationship" BOOM! FRIEND REQUEST! It's that guy that was obsessed with you in High school, you know the one who looked like Voldemort? Yeah well he looks like Ryan Gosling now and then this is just followed by a series of "FUCKYOU'S" from the universe, babes on trains, hotties on the street...that guy that 'accidentilly' walked into the ladies toilets...No scratch him, not him. I'm pretty sure he is a sexual predator and you made a lucky escape..but the rest is just the cruel joke that is life in a relationship.
 
please read in voldemort voice:"I loved yoooooou once but yooooooou can't have me now"


I do kind of stray in relationships even in the ones where I am dating people way out of my league and I know it. I don't mean that I go around banging other people but there has been the occasional kiss and the "I know I shouldn't be doing this" moment ...but more so just being a massive flirt or saying things that I know I'm not meant to say like "If I wasn't in a relationship" No! Bad! You're not allowed to say that stuff. I suppose if anything when I am seeing somebody, I still flirt with the idea of seeing other people which then makes me paranoid and jealous that the person I'm seeing is doing the same thing. That ass hole! How could he?

I tend to care about a person about 10x more after we break up...then multiply that by about a hundred if they broke up with me...oh yeah prepare yourself for a series of drunk phone calls and texts that switch between bootie calls and "I hate you"s. I used to think I could never be 'that girl' but it turns out that I can and I am awfully good at it.

I am single, yes because I am a maniac in relationships.
I am single because recently the selection of men I've had to choose from are borderline stalkers, toothless wonders and drunk dudes that don't know how to speak...I don't know, maybe it's just me being fussy?
I am also not actively looking...I don't know if some people in relationships believe that the mind of a person that isn't in a relationship is just one track playing over and over "gotta find somebody to validate me".

Look my life is fine ok. I do high kicks to Tom Jones and when I catch the bus in the afternoon and the drunk old guy sitting next to me says "You're haaawt" ...well I think that might be what he says it could be "You're a whore"...Either way Mammas still got it.