Let me start by saying that this would not have been my first choice. Here are a list of things that I would rather talk about than sex:
Shoes
Fat people that cry about being fat
Burgers
Floral print dresses
Floral print anything
Tina Feyy
Why Arrested Development should have stayed on tv…forever
Why Two And A Half men should be taken off the air…immediately
Five chewing gum
I don’t feel I’m all that qualified to talk about sex these days. There was a time, in my roaring teens where I seemed to want it a lot and never had any trouble getting it.
Then I think my twenties hit and now when I look at a guy that I find attractive I don’t really think “Man I want to take him home and screw his brains out”…I kind of go “I wouldn‘t mind halving a KFC bucket with him while watching episodes of Arrested Development”…and no KFC bucket isn’t a euphemism of any kind and I don’t mean watching some fucked up dominatrix hard core porn version of Arrested development …I mean the classic Tv Show starring David Cross, Micheal Cera and Jason Bateman…but I digress as this weeks topic is not about Australian treasure, Portia De Rosis best ever work… or the contradiction of eating a lot of greasy food while watching somebody who suffered from a serious eating disorder on screen. Alas no…this blog is about sex.
I don’t mean to say that I dislike sex or that I am even indifferent to it but unless I’m really into someone these days, they don’t get ‘into’ me… yeah good one Michaela GOOD ONE.
Basically my days of one night stands seem to be a thing of the past which isn’t really something I expected to say at the age of 23. In a way I do hope that this changes when I eventually hit Europe and start travelling around. Maybe I will join the Mile-High-club and find my inner sex goddess.
There are a few contributing factors as to how Michaela lost her groove: (totally refered to myself in third person DEAL WITH IT)
The first being that my ass does not look anywhere near as good as it did when I was 19.
Once upon I time I used to look in the mirror and be like “Yeah I‘m hot” … I don’t really do that these days… If I am ever naked in front of a mirror now I generally do things like tilt my back slightly and pretend I am pregnant with Zach Braffs child or try to make it look like my tummy is singing various 90’s pop hits….I know right? How am I not fighting the guys off with a stick?…
The next thing is my social life has changed a lot also from my teens. I don’t drink as often now as I once did. Where a night used to begin at 11 or Midnight…that’s now about the time that I want to be safe in bed watching Will and Grace. This messes with things for a couple of reasons.
1. In order to be home in bed watching bad tv before the early morn, one must either
a)stay fairly close to home
or b)be prepared to catch a cab or night rider.
Staying close to home means that I generally just see a lot of the same people so unless I just want to start banging all my friends then there just is not a huge range of other people to chose from.
2. Not being drunk enough means that my standards have not yet dropped low enough to go home with the kinds of guys that hit on me (Please refer to our People in public blog… or really anything that I have ever written to fully understand the kind of freaks that I attract)… on the other hand the dudes that are out of my league are AT LEAST 10 beers away from settling for me ...see my dilemma? Once alcohol is out of the equation, sex just becomes so complicated.
My whole attitude toward sex has also changed a lot, after helping host some workshops educating teenage girls about safe sex, I really began to question whether I was practicing what I preached and it did concern me a little. WOAH DID IT GET ORPRAH IN HERE OR WHAT?
So as I am saying these things to these high school students, alarms are going off in my head…well more that noise that you hear in a game show when a contestant gets the answer wrong
Always use protection ladies…babow
Never go home with someone you’ve just met…babow
Don’t get too drunk as you may make decisions that you regret…babow… you are the weakest link goodbye.
When I think about the carelessness of my teens, I am lucky that sex for me has never led to Chlamydia… or being murdered wolf creek style because I went home with some guy I’d just met because I thought he vaguely resembled a young Rob Lowe in soft lighting.
I’ve kind of gone through all my awful sex stories in my own blog (and lets face it they are the ones worth hearing about) but I will give you the highlights:
-I once told a guy during sex that I wanted to stop seeing him and then just left without finishing the job….we have never spoken again
-A guy once seduced me then cried when we were about to do it because he missed his ex… so not an aphrodisiac. Also to make it worse he bragged about fucking me to everyone but left out the bit where he cried so I made sure I told anyone who had heard anything through the grapevine and asked me about it.
-I must have really liked this boy/we were both young and inexperienced and we got a bit carried away and fell off the couch…there were some minor injuries
-I was once really drunk and for no reason at all decided that the dude I was with (and had been seeing for a while) had an STI…and I punched him in the stomach… I repeat: for.no.reason.at.all, he wasn’t sick, everything (ahem) down there was in good health …Wow I’d kind of forgotten about that one… Its cool though once I sobered up we were able to laugh about it and eventually go on to have punch free sex.
