If I was a boy...or magic...SPOILER: this ends in me buying gold teeth

I spend way too much time in my life imagining alternate lives for my self. You know just out of curiosity. I wouldn't want to be somebody or something else permanently but just to try it out.

If I was a booooy

If I was a man for a day I probably wouldn't do all that much of the things that Beyonce sings about in her song “If I was a boy”.

My first step as a male would be to take a wee somewhere...anywhere because I would have a penis and I can whip it out at my leisure.

A lot of the things I would do as a guy would revolve around having a penis.

I'd shave to make it look bigger and then just send dick picks to all my lovely male friends who have found it funny over the years to send them to me and then I'd say “Sorry I was drunk”.

I would probably try to bang a girl too just to compare male and female orgasms.

I don't really know how this whole thing would work because there isn't the technology to make me a dude for just a day...

“Excuse me doctor, do you mind flipping my junk inside out then changing it back in 24 hours..I am just a bit curious”
...yeah I am pretty sure that's not how that procedure works at all
I understand things.

"Fuck off you mental bitch"

...also I wonder if I would be a hot guy or an uggo???...If I had bad acne I would grow a short beard to make people think I am a bit of a hipster while disguising my appearance at the same time.

I'd probably just take a nap after that and when I wake up I'd ask the doctor for my vagina back as I quite like it most of the time.

If I had super-powers

I used to always play this game with my house-mate where we would think up the best super-powers and pick which ones we would rather have.

He mostly found ways to trick me into picking a super-power then when I chose it, he'd tell me all these faults in the my choice

... “Oh yeah you chose the power of flight but I forgot to mention that you can only hover 2 centre-metres above the ground, travel at 1km per hour and it only works if you are wearing a skirt...so everyone is looking at your undies...also you have to eat loads of carrots for your flight mode to work...and then you shit your pants and die...great choice”

I also love Sabrina The Teenage witch. I am mocked by my pals for this but I don't give a shit. Sabrina gets to do all these cool things and Salem, her talking cat just sits around saying witty stuff and it.is.awesome.

As a child I also used to squint my eyes so people would think I was Alex Mac and some magic shit was about to go down...
The nineties was a difficult decade for a mentally challenged young person, such as myself


Sidenote: How hot is Larissa Oleynik?

If I was a magical person, the first thing I would do is allow my dog to talk. He would sound like James Earl Jones and we'd be best buds and no matter how badly I messed up, the episode would be resolved within half an hour and I'd learn a lesson from my magic teacher and everything would be great again.

I would do all the stuff that the Sabrinas' aunts tries to teach you is bad...because you only value things if you have to work for them....which is maybe sort of true but I wouldn't give a shit because I'M MAGIC, MOTHERFUCKER!

I would be pointing my finger at stuff to get it
Instead of walking for food I would zap it with my hand,which would mean I wouldn't get any exercise but that's fine because I could just zap away all excess fat and cellulite.

I would also do some spell so I could be hot all the time and never again be asked “are you sick?” on a day where I leave the house without makeup.

I would pause time just to really fuck with people.

If somebody was being mean, I'd pause time and then just punch the shit out of them for as long as it took for me not to be mad any more
...because in real life I could never ever beat anybody in a fight.

When I un-paused, I'd just be super chilled like nothing happened and say:

“Guy, are you ok? You look like you've just been punched in the face at least 38 times”

...holy hell there is so much magic stuff I would do if I was a magic person, this probably could be pages long. Imma stop

If I was a politician

I would seriously suck at it because I have no patience or attention span and a really limited amount of bullshit that I am able to ingest from politicians but like most people I have that brief moment when a government does something stupid that makes me think “I can run this country better...”

...which I couldn't
..... but I have loads of ideas
...with no possible grasp of how I could implement them.

I can't even make my pay last a fortnight right now so I think I would suck at trying to play with a whole countries budget

Also I am female so people would call me a 'slut' and comment on my hair colour no matter what I did;even if it was something sensible.

Here are some things I would do:

Legalise gay marriage...because why the hell not?

Get dental care covered by Medicare because I want my teeth whitened... where is all the money coming from? I don't know


WARNING
it goes down hill from here...

Abolish taxes
...hell abolish money and then make everything else free

...which I guess would mean a lot of people wouldn't work

so unemployment would go up and most things wouldn't be staying open if they weren't getting money and people were just taking free stuff

but we'd all just help each other out and have a party everyday so that's nice

...maybe we could all get a little crack addiction too because the nice crack makers would just be giving it out

and everyone's just having a great time because they are just doing whatever and life is great

....please nobody ever let me become a member of parliament.

If I was famous

I wouldn't be a winging cockhead that complains 24 hours a day about never having any privacy because if I was really just doing it 'for the love of the art' I wouldn't hang out in paparazzi infested areas every chance I got.

Hi guys, have you heard of a little somebody called Natalie Portman???
..she is famous as shit yet even in the height of her fame she manges not to end up in annoying magazines because instead of seeking attention then complaining about it, she just does her thing

...by the way her 'thing' is 'being freaking awesome'.

If I was famous, I'd want to be just like Kate Nash and use my fame to be involved in cool projects that mean something to me and raising awareness for important issues...rather than being an ignorant dipshit like Taylor Momsen.

"Um, right now I'm trying to just finish my record and getting through the last season of Gossip Girl for right now. So not so much thinking about that." - Taylor to OK magazine, on the devastating earthquake in Haiti

Kate Nash is way better at being famous

She is a huge advocate for womens rights
She is always volunteering her time to local and international issues

And an ambassador for a great music program in U.K schools that encourages girls to learn to play an instrument
She has a podcast which is an Agony Aunts type thing where she responds to teen girls questions that often centre around self esteem issues

...that is the kind of stuff people should do with fame

...I could go on about all the other stuff she is involved in but at this point I think I'd be the only one paying attention so  just look at how cute she is....

If I was rich

I would buy things I didn't need...I want to say I would donate it to the poor but I am just going to insert a Louis C.k quote intsead.

“My life is really evil, like There are people who are starving in the world, and I drive an Infiniti. That’s really evil. There are people who would just starve to death. That’s all they ever did. There’s people who are like born, and they go, “Oh, I’m hungry,” and then they just die. And that’s all they ever got to do. And meanwhile, I’m in my car, like having a great time and I sleep like a baby. It’s totally my fault, ‘cause I could trade my Infiniti for like a really good car, like a nice Ford Focus with no miles on it,and I’d get back like $20,000. And I could save hundreds of people from dying of starvation with that money, and every day I don’t do it. Every day I make them die with my car.’”

—

Louis C.K

Look at his little face

It is completely disturbing that there is enough money in the world for no person to have to die of hunger yet people do all the time

We low income earners [by Australias standards] whine and say how some Billionare has a fancy as hell house that could feed a 3^rd world country

...but a lot of us do buy useless superficial shit that makes us momentarily feel good about ourselves even though soon after it gets chucked aside and forgotten about and we cry poor. 

Guilty.

Why shouldn't we buy things with money that we earn?
And why shouldn't billionares?

People look to them like they have a social responsibility to save the world but how often do the rest of us buy an unnecessary fancy dinner which priced, could feed a starving child for a month?

It doesn't mean we don't sponsor our buddy for Movember or donate to a fund-raiser when we can but it does mean that we are all a little bit selfish and probably just thought that salmon in a restaurant sounded a whole lot better than the last pack of Migoreng in the cupboard that expired 2 years ago...

Did I just get a bit deep?

Look guys, if I am being honest, if I was a billionare, I would like to believe I cared enough about the world to donate a good chunk of my money to trying to save the world but I'd also probably buy a motherfucking yacht and some gold teeth...just because

If I was a Kardashian:

I would punch myself in the face

"We decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She's 18. And I was like, that's how I feel."- Kim Kardashian

Really? Comparing CANCER to your annoying wedding?