The 5 most frequent and annoying things people post on Facebook

So I log into my email. I have about 6014 unread messages…most of which I’ve left unread for over a year…not anything important…they are predominantly from a bunch of stupid things I sign up to when I’m suffering from insomnia and think that a free samples will cure me…


…I accidentally confused the re: from some fortune teller as being an email from eBay because it was right above it and the header is “Do you really want to face these hard times alone?” I’m all ‘THAT’S A LITTLE PERSONAL EBAY’… then I look around to see if eBay can see me eating a chocolate biscuit…in bed…alone….staring at my tummy…is eBay psychic?…no its just some actual psychic lady named Tara who claims she will solve all my life problems…I think I will have better luck on eBay purchasing a new dvd to accompany my junk food.

I then stop myself because I am meant to be saving for Europe..I have to find another way to be entertained….Facebook is clearly the logical choice…but I feel like I’m stuck on yesterdays news feed…I check my computer to make sure this is not another eBay/psychic oversight…and it isn’t.

Why is it that I think I’ve time travelled back to yesterday in internet world you say?…well I’m glad you asked…PEOPLE JUST KEEP TALKING THE SAME SHIT.

Topics that come up daily without fail:



WEATHER:

Guaranteed every.single.day 10+ people feel the need to comment on the weather like its breaking news… which is cool if they have something entertaining to say AHEM examples of this would be HOW HOT IS IT jokes eg: “Its so hot HOW HOT IS IT?…it‘s so hot that today I poured Mcdonalds cofee into my lap to cool down”...classic ALWAYS FUNNY…Not interesting however is “OMG so hot”…yes? 90% of your friends live in the same city as you and they are all living it too…call me when there’s a tornado or a punch line



SONG LYRICS:

I like songs. I like to sing them randomly and loudly…I like to listen to them but every couple of weeks a new song gets too popular for its own good and obviously somehow resinates with a whole bunch of people and they all feel like they have to quote that one line and it turns up everywhere but still the people posting it don’t think “Hmm maybe enough people have written ‘now you’re just somebody that I used to know’ as their status update, maybe I can just accept that it’s a good song and go and listen to it instead of being the 4 billionth person on earth to post it”



LOADS OF BRAGGING ABOUT THINGS NOT WORTH BRAGGING ABOUT, WITH LOADS OF UNNECESSARY COMMAS IN BETWEEN

“drinking, dancing, vomiting, late night taxis, hungry jacks at 3pm …can‘t wait to do it all again next weekend”

I know what your thinking…pretty accurate portrayal of the shit you see people write…



BACKDOOR BRAGGING

“Oh man I’m playing this show tonight at this hip bar with one of the biggest bands in the country but I’m just so nonchalant about it because I am really tired from all the after parties I’ve been going to lately and all the sex I’ve been having with supermodels”…No you are not. Things are going pretty well for you and your psyched. I would be psyched too if I was banging loads of hotties and playing great shows…unlike the aforementioned unnecessary brag THIS sounds like something worth talking about…it’s ok to be stoked and to want to tell everyone but its fucking annoying that you’re trying to pretend it ain’t no thang



OMG I LOVE MY BABY

I am not talking about your actual baby…If you just had a baby, congratulations, its probably pretty normal to go around showing it off for a while now that its no longer in your womb

…I’m talking about the pet name ‘baby’ for ones boyfriend or girlfriend and the annoying daily declarations of love over social networks. I’ve been in love and when you are you do kind of want to say it all the time…but try saying it to each other instead…just a thought?…oh and if you do love your ‘baby’ so much why don’t you go makeout instead of facebooking about it…ay ay?



Here are a list of things I will never get sick of:

Links to videos of people falling down escalators (particularly escalators that are going up)

Pictures of hot girls

Mean girls quotes

Angry rants

Pictures of dogs

“I‘m so confused”-vague status updates that suggest fascinatingly glamorous struggles

Ha! I love when people write these ambiguous status updates like “OMG SO CONFUSED” making it sound like they have some huge life decision to make and then when people ask ‘what’s up?’ they are all “No no I cant talk about it”…despite having just posted on public forum…for 583 of their closest friends to see
Imma let you in on a secret the reason that they ‘cant talk about it’ ….it ISN’T because they are deciding between moving in with Chad Micheal Murray up on One Tree Hill or trying to make it work Adam Brody back in the OC and don’t want to risk ending up on the cover of GRAZIA when the media get wind of their celebrity scandal….
….but rather that they would like to elude to such interesting troubles… even though the biggest thing going on in their life is whether or not to eat wholegrain bread before they leave the house because they don’t want to poo in a public toilet…its cool ladies we’ve all been there but lets not pretend that you’re any more interesting than you are…

Translation of other hazy posts:

Update: “Omg so in love”---translation: “I just masturbated to ‘She’s all that’ staring Freddy Prince Jr”


“So happy right now”---translation: “I probably won’t cut myself tonight”



“Best night- thanks to everyone who was there”---translation: “I finally made a bowel movement after 3 days…thankyou prune juice”



Oh by the way I get that my references are all “Sooo 2005” but that’s where I like to live and I still believe that both CMM and the Brodster are going to make a comeback of epic proportions.

I have no friends and I am about to shit my pants (parenthesis: the story about how having violent diarrhoea taught me that I need to get out more )

One day while sitting in doctors surgery and pondering who I could call to pick me up in case my bowel movements became so frequent that I was to shit myself on the bus ride home….I starting going through my phonebook, my parents and brother were at work, my sister was at uni and I sort of started to find myself feeling a little bereft of friends ….and I don’t mean ‘friends’ …because I have around 448 of them according to Facebook…but I mean proper friends.
You know the kind that you can call up at anytime and be like “I need you” and you know that they would just be there for you? When I think about how many of them I have in the world the HONEST TO GOD the figure I came up with was FOUR...(eight if you include family …but I am not going to)…
Out of those four... two of them are currently overseas so the whole “I need you” thing is a little redundant if it means that they would have to fly across the world to help a sister out
…so lets say right now at this moment, I have two friends in this country that I can ask to come and pick me up from the doctors because I have a violent case of diarrhoea and am scared to catch the bus because I just may shit my pants…one of whom actually did do this for me.
Part of me feels a little ‘SHITTED OFF’ about the whole thing...I mean four? REALLY? Four?…
There a lot of things I could blame my lack of friends on…I could go “People are shit!” and at the time I am pretty sure that I did… but thinking about it, it mainly comes back to me.
Each week I get all the same invites that everybody gets. Somebody’s birthday, someone’s housewarming, someone’s band is playing but in the last month I have rarely ventured to any of them… the reasons are often these: I am too sick, I am too tired or I am working. Ok fine, these are valid enough reasons but then the routine is generally, apologise, talk about rescheduling to spend time together, never actually reschedule, repeat.
The thing is there are people that I know I would get along with and potentially be quite close to if I made the effort/people that I have been close with and drifted because I didn’t make the effort and while often I am sick, tired or working, I am not ALWAYS all these things and maybe on my days off I shouldn’t be laying about watching The Mitchell and Webb Situation on my own but I should actually schedule one of these elusive catch-up’s that I always talk about…because lets face it, Elise is going to be in Guyana for 3 months as of December and then who the hell is going to pick me up from the doctors when I am close to giving birth to several thousand poo babies?