I don’t often tell people a ‘secret’ and expect them not to tell anybody. I generally expect that they will tell at least one person and if the goss is juicy enough, that one person tells another and it spreads like Chlamydia.
I think about it and work out our mutual friends and gage the likeliness of it getting back to somebody else and getting me in trouble(….the secret I mean…my STI metaphor is over)
If the secret is about me, it’s fair to say that I don’t have too many left anyway. I like to think I’m a little more careful with other peoples secrets.
But I think there needs to be more rules about secret keeping.
THE STUFF YOU CAN’T SAY
I’m pretty honest with my opinion of people…I mean I’m civil and professional to the people who control my pay check and I don’t go out of my way to say mean things…especially to anyone who can beat me in a fight…so anyone over the age of 5... Basically I just go around picking on toddlers…
I have very little problem telling people that I DON’T like them but big problems telling them that I do… I’m not just talking about when I have a crush on a dude and cant get the words out…
Oh boy! this goes far beyond the realms of people that I wanna bang…
have you ever wanted to ask somebody on a friend date and not known how?
…you know when you meet somebody and you just think they are amazing and you want to be their best pal…but asking them out seems too much like asking them ‘out’ so you just don’t and instead hope that you bump into each other somewhere…because your leading questions lead you to nowhere?
…Ok that didn‘t actually happen but its not THAT far from the truth…
Anyway social awkwardness aside I was trying to drive the conversation into the topic of concealing information… good shift Michaela…(I think I just wanted to include my cool cartoon.)
I sometimes wonder if not telling somebody something is as bad as lying… but then if it comes to feelings who actually wants to know what you’re feeling all the time?
I’m borderline bipolar and I’m certain that there’s a touch of ADD in there somewhere too because my attention span is miniscule (while writing this I‘ve been painting my nails, bopping along to Britney spears and had about 6 toilet breaks) so my inner monologue goes a little like this: “I‘m happy…. I‘m hungry….I need to pee… I‘m angry…. I need to pee…that chair is a nice shade of green…imagine if humans all had green skin…I want body paint ….and lime cordial…I need to pee”
Do you know how many times a day I’d get punched in the face if I voiced all my thoughts?
So what stuff do you get in trouble for not telling? And when are you not meant to tell?…and when is it better to just tell a little white lie?
Life is confusing. Lucky you have me to make up rules that don’t really apply anywhere but in my own mind…
Also I can't even ask friends out properly and am about to start referring to a fictional girl named Sally who’s 5 years old and who I’ll be using for my examples of my logic. Spoiler: Sally is a bitch
I will not blame you if you check out right now. Its only going to get worse.
WHAT’S A SECRET?
So we’ve already established that when somebody says they aren’t going to tell anyone that they are probably going to tell SOMEONE… even if you say “Don‘t tell anyone!”
…but sometimes somebody tells you something and you don’t really realise that its TOP-SECRET…because you don’t think its really that big o deal and then you get punched by 5 year old Sally because you told David that she wants to play catch and kiss with him…and Sally fights mean. WELL SALLY YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID TOP SECRET…that should be a thing.
My tendency to lie by accident
I sometimes confuse my dreams with reality…especially when drinking PLUS I think I have a naturally distorted memory as it is so sometimes I lie without even knowing it… Its never gotten me into any serious trouble but I suspect its not really ‘a good thing’.
I also sometimes exaggerate a story for entertainment purposes.. then follow it with “Yeah sorry that probably didn‘t happen”…then retell the story and its about 1/18th as exciting as my fun version.
WHITE LIES
Have you ever had somebody come up to you and point out that you have a giant pimple on your face? As if you didn’t know…even though you’ve clearly tried to cover it in ten layers of concealer? Or tell you that you’ve gained weight?
Thanks man, I had no idea, I hadn’t worked out why my old jeans didn’t fit and I just got clothes in a larger size for fun…
Oh what’s that? You don’t like my hair cut THANKS I’ll quickly grow it back for you.
What the fuck dude? Just shut the fuck up.
I can’t understand people who are THAT tactless. Have you heard of the concept of keeping your mouth shut? If my opinion isn’t asked for and my thoughts are unkind, I usually don’t speak my mind…except to Sally…because she’s a bitch.
Seriously though when it comes to comments on somebody’s appearance why do you need to say anything if you aren’t asked? That person obviously felt comfortable enough to leave the house looking the way that they do and unless you are pointing out a nip slip or something that they are clearly unaware of THEN BE QUIET.
Yes, I want to know if I have food in my teeth or if my my dress is tucked into my undies, no I do not care if you think I look better as a brunette…If I was concerned I would ask.
If my friend asks me something straight out like “Do I look ok in this?” I will answer honestly because I think white lies are for cowards…or customer service.
“I think you‘d look better in this”… Good answer, honest but sensitive… a lesson in not being a douche. … Also ‘this’ is referring to another dress that suits them…not a paper bag for their head…how mean are you? Thinking I’d make my friend wear a paper bag?..I would NEVER DO THAT…unless it was Sally because Sally is a bitch
REAL LIES
I feel like there was a time in primary school where I was ok at lying or at least I thought I was ok at it. My class was in the Library and we were talking about firemen and how they save lives and then I said that my dad was a fireman…I don’t really know why, it just seemed like a good thing to say… and everyone was momentarily jealous and I guess I’ve always been a bit of an attention seeker.
A little later Mrs O came in and ruined everything. The librarian tells her how we’d been talking about firemen and how its such a coincidence that my dad is one…but Mrs O knew my parents and gives a loud “No he’s not!”
MRS O YOU BITCH! YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY TEACHER! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE RUINING MY GLORY OF BEING THE DAUGHTER OF A FIREMAN? GET FUCKED… yeah I didn’t say that…I’m pretty sure I hardly talked for the rest of the day.
Since then my attempt at lying are almost always foiled. I am just no good. I forget an important detail even if it’s a planned lie like calling in sick …
“Oh sorry its my friends birthday, I can‘t work that day”
Oh man I can’t wait to watch Scrubs in bed while eating Pringles
“Where’s it at?”
“Where’s what at?”
“Your friends birthday?”
SHIT “The zoo”
“Oh which zoo?”
QUICK SAY SOMETHING “Campbelltown”
“There’s a zoo in Campbelltown?”
Fuck! “Oh sorry, I meant the pet store”
“She’s having a party at the pet store?”
“No….she‘s getting a puppy…and she wants to take it to the zoo…for her party…the real zoo that exists and that I didn‘t just make up so I don‘t have to work”
Ok so I only lie for comic effect…and to get out of work… and to get out of other things….I probably lie a lot more that I realised when I started writing this.
When a creepy dude asked me if I had a boyfriend I said
‘Yes’
Oh what’s his name?
‘Kyle’
What’s his last name?
‘Simpson’
Yes I did combine my high school boyfriends name and favourite childhood cartoon name to create a fake boyfriend name that I use to scare off dudes with several missing teeth who try to tune me at the bus stop.
I judge you for reading this far...this was really poorly constructed
