My job itself is not particularly difficult, which is why I get paid minimum wage to do it. I mean I help manage a dessert cafe and I make coffee... but some people believe that makes me a wizard. 'Hi customer, no I can not produce 56 coffees for your entire office within 3 seconds. Nobody can. It will take as long as it fucking takes'.
I have had a lot of jobs including a series of volunteer work that included working with people who have been seriously mentally and physically abused... I am talking people who have real fucking reason to be pissed of at the world but instead chose to be resilient and move on with life...which to me is so amazing.
Yet daily I serve people on the other side of the spectrum...over privileged wankers with some false sense of entitlement who act like you just told them that their Grandma is dead when they hear that they have to wait two minutes for a giant banana sundae dessert [that the size of there ass is proof they do not need].
Today I want to talk about some of the most irritating yet commonly used phrases in our cafe.
"Can I have the Strawberry bowl but instead of strawberries can I have brownie, Ice cream and churros?"
Ok I lie nobody has ever said that but people honestly do pick things on the menu and then try to substitute 90% of the ingredients. I'm sorry? Are you 8? Did you mistake this for your house and me for your mother? You are in a cafe, I am not your personal server that you pay by the hour.
We have a menu. If you are allergic to nuts, I won't give you nuts but you can't make up your own meal and then still expect to pay the price of a single ice cream scoop..Please leave. Please leave and never return back into my life... then punch your Mum in the ovaries for not having you aborted...
Too far?
Oh you'll eat your ice cream you little cunt-shitter-mutherfucker and you'll like it too
"Why is everything so expensive?"
Do you realise that you do not have to eat here? Go get a soft serve from Mc Donald's for 40c if that is what you want. I will not be personally offended. Also, I just work here, I didn't price the items myself just to piss you off...though I must admit its a perk.
People come in and act so hardly done by because they have to pay 8 bux for a fancy dessert. Nothing in here is a necessity. If that is honestly the biggest problem in your life right now, you are pretty lucky.
Go annoy this guy, he has a permenant smile plasterd on his face so he always looks like his smiling...even though he also thinks you're an asswipe.
"CAN YOU MAKE IT NOW?"
If you look around a shop and see 30 other people sitting down and you say to the person serving you "make it now", to me this is the equivalent of saying "I am more important than every other person in this room". You are an ass hole. Everybody thinks you are an ass hole. People probably do things faster for you so they don't have to be around you any longer. I kind of hate that about the world. That a polite patient person who makes your day nicer and just says things like "take your time" or "that's OK, its worth waiting for, I can see you're busy"...they get no special treatment. Yet psycho's that walk in on their high horse, yell and scream and get things for free.
I breathe such a sigh of relief when another customer acknowledges what a cock head somebody has just been. I apologised to a sweet older lady once when I brought out her drink after another customer, explaining that the previous woman was a bit impatient so I just made it quickly first and she responded with "Don't worry,she was a bit of a bitch wasn't she? you handled it well". She totally made my day.
"Why can't you stay open later?"
Seriously almost every time I have to close the shop some dickhead comes up to one of us and trys to lay down some wisdom about how we should stay open later. As it is, our store shuts at 9:30/10 which is late enough for us to be at work on our weekends.
By the time we've cleaned up, we can be stuck back for anything up to 3 hours after.
Apart from the fact that we aren't insured to do that, would you like to hang around and clean up until that time? Would you like your mother, daughter or your girlfriend to do that? No? Then please shut the fuck up and go hang out with your friends somewhere else. Every single person working here wants to kick your ass for asking that...but we are all too fucking tired.
"I'm in a rush"
Nothing on our menu is proper food, its dessert...which is generally the stuff you eat after a meal so I suppose that's why I find it hard to understand why people get that worked up. I mean we serve coffee but again, not many people go "Wow I'm so thirsty I need a coffee" If you are dying of thirst you drink water. So when you walk into a place that primarily sells chocolate and Spanish doughnuts at a relatively expensive price...I don't think I am crazy to assume that you did not just come back from a trip to the middle of the Sahara where you have been without food for weeks- right?
"The first thing imma do when I leave the desert is get some dessert"
The reactions people give to even a 'five minute' wait time is astounding. The most common being "FOR COFFEE? FIVE WHOLE MINUTES FOR A COFFEE?"
I'm guessing that you and your equally stuck up friend are planning on sitting in here for a little while... but I understand within 2 seconds of meeting you that you are both so horrible that your mutual company may be unbearable for either of you to take... so I will get your drinks out as soon as possible so you can avoid any kind of interaction with each other...
"I came in here to drink coffee with my friend I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HER"
If you do not allocate enough time in your day that is not my fault. You have walked into a cafe not a fast food chain and the cafe is full of other people, some as arrogant and self absorbed as yourself who would freak the fuck out if I bumped your order in front because you're pouting.
Oh by the way, in the amount of time that you stand at the counter complaining that a drink should not take 5 minutes to make, I could have made it for you and gotten through season 1-6 of Dawsons Creek...and tried out all Michelle Williams hairstyles from the series...
(please check out this website for reference)
http://www.fanpop.com/spots/dawsons-creek/picks/results/446392/best-season-jens-hair
but no, instead I was here, with you, pretending to look concerned but instead wishing I could say what I really wanted to say to you and make you cry like Dawson Leery cried when he found out about Joey and Pacey...
