Sex and why I‘m not getting it: aka: Jaz got to choose the topic this week (Preview of my half of the joint Sunday blog with Jaz)

Jaz got to pick the topic this week and she went with sex.
Let me start by saying that this would not have been my first choice. Here are a list of things that I would rather talk about than sex:
Shoes
Fat people that cry about being fat
Burgers
Floral print dresses
Floral print anything
Tina Feyy
Why Arrested Development should have stayed on tv…forever
Why Two And A Half men should be taken off the air…immediately
Five chewing gum
I don’t feel I’m all that qualified to talk about sex these days. There was a time, in my roaring teens where I seemed to want it a lot and never had any trouble getting it.
Then I think my twenties hit and now when I look at a guy that I find attractive I don’t really think “Man I want to take him home and screw his brains out”…I kind of go “I wouldn‘t mind halving a KFC bucket with him while watching episodes of Arrested Development”…and no KFC bucket isn’t a euphemism of any kind and I don’t mean watching some fucked up dominatrix hard core porn version of Arrested development …I mean the classic Tv Show starring David Cross, Micheal Cera and Jason Bateman…but I digress as this weeks topic is not about Australian treasure, Portia De Rosis best ever work… or the contradiction of eating a lot of greasy food while watching somebody who suffered from a serious eating disorder on screen. Alas no…this blog is about sex.
I don’t mean to say that I dislike sex or that I am even indifferent to it but unless I’m really into someone these days, they don’t get ‘into’ me… yeah good one Michaela GOOD ONE.
Basically my days of one night stands seem to be a thing of the past which isn’t really something I expected to say at the age of 23. In a way I do hope that this changes when I eventually hit Europe and start travelling around. Maybe I will join the Mile-High-club and find my inner sex goddess.
There are a few contributing factors as to how Michaela lost her groove: (totally refered to myself in third person DEAL WITH IT)
The first being that my ass does not look anywhere near as good as it did when I was 19.
Once upon I time I used to look in the mirror and be like “Yeah I‘m hot” … I don’t really do that these days… If I am ever naked in front of a mirror now I generally do things like tilt my back slightly and pretend I am pregnant with Zach Braffs child or try to make it look like my tummy is singing various 90’s pop hits….I know right? How am I not fighting the guys off with a stick?…
The next thing is my social life has changed a lot also from my teens. I don’t drink as often now as I once did. Where a night used to begin at 11 or Midnight…that’s now about the time that I want to be safe in bed watching Will and Grace. This messes with things for a couple of reasons.
1. In order to be home in bed watching bad tv before the early morn, one must either
a)stay fairly close to home
or b)be prepared to catch a cab or night rider.
Staying close to home means that I generally just see a lot of the same people so unless I just want to start banging all my friends then there just is not a huge range of other people to chose from.
2. Not being drunk enough means that my standards have not yet dropped low enough to go home with the kinds of guys that hit on me (Please refer to our People in public blog… or really anything that I have ever written to fully understand the kind of freaks that I attract)… on the other hand the dudes that are out of my league are AT LEAST 10 beers away from settling for me ...see my dilemma? Once alcohol is out of the equation, sex just becomes so complicated.
My whole attitude toward sex has also changed a lot, after helping host some workshops educating teenage girls about safe sex, I really began to question whether I was practicing what I preached and it did concern me a little. WOAH DID IT GET ORPRAH IN HERE OR WHAT?
So as I am saying these things to these high school students, alarms are going off in my head…well more that noise that you hear in a game show when a contestant gets the answer wrong
Always use protection ladies…babow
Never go home with someone you’ve just met…babow
Don’t get too drunk as you may make decisions that you regret…babow… you are the weakest link goodbye.
When I think about the carelessness of my teens, I am lucky that sex for me has never led to Chlamydia… or being murdered wolf creek style because I went home with some guy I’d just met because I thought he vaguely resembled a young Rob Lowe in soft lighting.
I’ve kind of gone through all my awful sex stories in my own blog (and lets face it they are the ones worth hearing about) but I will give you the highlights:
-I once told a guy during sex that I wanted to stop seeing him and then just left without finishing the job….we have never spoken again
-A guy once seduced me then cried when we were about to do it because he missed his ex… so not an aphrodisiac. Also to make it worse he bragged about fucking me to everyone but left out the bit where he cried so I made sure I told anyone who had heard anything through the grapevine and asked me about it.
-I must have really liked this boy/we were both young and inexperienced and we got a bit carried away and fell off the couch…there were some minor injuries
-I was once really drunk and for no reason at all decided that the dude I was with (and had been seeing for a while) had an STI…and I punched him in the stomach… I repeat: for.no.reason.at.all, he wasn’t sick, everything (ahem) down there was in good health …Wow I’d kind of forgotten about that one… Its cool though once I sobered up we were able to laugh about it and eventually go on to have punch free sex.

New years eve hype

It’s the beginning of December…which means that people have already been going on about New years Eve Plans since April…pretty much.
I am a slight hater of New years Eve for the fact that it just has such high expectations placed on it which seems kind of silly to me….
The earth is starting a new cycle, lets have a party and expect everything to be better on this new cycle.
I know better though. I have my own monthly cycle and let me tell you that they do not improve…although between you, me and the internet: I do manage to prolong the effects for taking the pill way longer than you’re meant to…but then I inevitably still get my period and its still as awful as it was last time so yeah if you want to compare the new year to pissing blood (which I am going to) then next year is going to be as bleak as this year should you have no intention of changing your ways… also yeah maybe don’t take the pill for an extended amount of time…oh and Nurofen plus is very effective and this metaphor is pretty weak so Imma move on.


The first thing is that to me New years is just a night like any other and while I enjoy a good party as much as the next person I find that the best New years I’ve had were the low key ones.
Last year/this year was fun for me even though all I did was have a couple of friends over and we played scrabble and Singstar while my neighbours let off fireworks and yelled out “No!” when we asked them to set off more then we all laughed and played more scrabble. I’m pretty easily amused.
When I was living in Melbourne we had a ridiculously hot new years at my old place where we stripped down to our undies and danced…I’m pretty sure that I passed out before the fireworks that year but I also had a great time none the less…yet I’ve spent quite a few other years before and in between stressing over which party we should go to and then being disappointed because the parties we expected to be ragin’ turned out to be lame….
I don’t know what we were really hoping for but we never seemed to get it…and that’s what I want to say to people. If a party promises fairy floss, celebrities, your favourite band, a gigantic jumping castle, huge waterslide and a bubble machine…THAT is something to get really excited about but most new-years parties just end up being a bunch of drunk people talking and maybe AT BEST a bit of 90’s music…which is an ok night…but its hardly going to be the night of the year…if it is then that’s kind of a lame year.


As far as New years resolutions go, I think they are hilarious because I do not know a single person that sticks to them and I laugh soooo hard every year when people say shit like “New year new me. Bring on the New year!”…yeah right buddy….GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. 5 bucks says you’re gym membership is going to go unused and then you spend the money that you were saving for that something something exhibition (that you didn’t really want to see any way but thought you should so you appear cultured) on 1million cupcakes that you devour while watching reality tv that you can actually feel is making you dumber … oh and your no drinking idea wont last beyond an week and then one night when you’re drunk you’ll think ‘fuck 2012 the year of the vegan’…and you’ll eat a giant bit of bacon…then a steak…then a chicken wing…then vomit… which is all good because you fucking love not working out, eating cupcakes, shit tv, drinking , bacon, steak, chicken wings and a good vomit…
And that’s what life is about and frankly I hope my New years Eve is exactly like that.

My new blog with my pal Jaz

Hey friends. I've started a new blog with my friend Jaz, we are updating it weekly

http://meyouandourlives.tumblr.com/#13677812999

xo Michaela

The 5 most frequent and annoying things people post on Facebook

So I log into my email. I have about 6014 unread messages…most of which I’ve left unread for over a year…not anything important…they are predominantly from a bunch of stupid things I sign up to when I’m suffering from insomnia and think that a free samples will cure me…


…I accidentally confused the re: from some fortune teller as being an email from eBay because it was right above it and the header is “Do you really want to face these hard times alone?” I’m all ‘THAT’S A LITTLE PERSONAL EBAY’… then I look around to see if eBay can see me eating a chocolate biscuit…in bed…alone….staring at my tummy…is eBay psychic?…no its just some actual psychic lady named Tara who claims she will solve all my life problems…I think I will have better luck on eBay purchasing a new dvd to accompany my junk food.

I then stop myself because I am meant to be saving for Europe..I have to find another way to be entertained….Facebook is clearly the logical choice…but I feel like I’m stuck on yesterdays news feed…I check my computer to make sure this is not another eBay/psychic oversight…and it isn’t.

Why is it that I think I’ve time travelled back to yesterday in internet world you say?…well I’m glad you asked…PEOPLE JUST KEEP TALKING THE SAME SHIT.

Topics that come up daily without fail:



WEATHER:

Guaranteed every.single.day 10+ people feel the need to comment on the weather like its breaking news… which is cool if they have something entertaining to say AHEM examples of this would be HOW HOT IS IT jokes eg: “Its so hot HOW HOT IS IT?…it‘s so hot that today I poured Mcdonalds cofee into my lap to cool down”...classic ALWAYS FUNNY…Not interesting however is “OMG so hot”…yes? 90% of your friends live in the same city as you and they are all living it too…call me when there’s a tornado or a punch line



SONG LYRICS:

I like songs. I like to sing them randomly and loudly…I like to listen to them but every couple of weeks a new song gets too popular for its own good and obviously somehow resinates with a whole bunch of people and they all feel like they have to quote that one line and it turns up everywhere but still the people posting it don’t think “Hmm maybe enough people have written ‘now you’re just somebody that I used to know’ as their status update, maybe I can just accept that it’s a good song and go and listen to it instead of being the 4 billionth person on earth to post it”



LOADS OF BRAGGING ABOUT THINGS NOT WORTH BRAGGING ABOUT, WITH LOADS OF UNNECESSARY COMMAS IN BETWEEN

“drinking, dancing, vomiting, late night taxis, hungry jacks at 3pm …can‘t wait to do it all again next weekend”

I know what your thinking…pretty accurate portrayal of the shit you see people write…



BACKDOOR BRAGGING

“Oh man I’m playing this show tonight at this hip bar with one of the biggest bands in the country but I’m just so nonchalant about it because I am really tired from all the after parties I’ve been going to lately and all the sex I’ve been having with supermodels”…No you are not. Things are going pretty well for you and your psyched. I would be psyched too if I was banging loads of hotties and playing great shows…unlike the aforementioned unnecessary brag THIS sounds like something worth talking about…it’s ok to be stoked and to want to tell everyone but its fucking annoying that you’re trying to pretend it ain’t no thang



OMG I LOVE MY BABY

I am not talking about your actual baby…If you just had a baby, congratulations, its probably pretty normal to go around showing it off for a while now that its no longer in your womb

…I’m talking about the pet name ‘baby’ for ones boyfriend or girlfriend and the annoying daily declarations of love over social networks. I’ve been in love and when you are you do kind of want to say it all the time…but try saying it to each other instead…just a thought?…oh and if you do love your ‘baby’ so much why don’t you go makeout instead of facebooking about it…ay ay?



Here are a list of things I will never get sick of:

Links to videos of people falling down escalators (particularly escalators that are going up)

Pictures of hot girls

Mean girls quotes

Angry rants

Pictures of dogs

“I‘m so confused”-vague status updates that suggest fascinatingly glamorous struggles

Ha! I love when people write these ambiguous status updates like “OMG SO CONFUSED” making it sound like they have some huge life decision to make and then when people ask ‘what’s up?’ they are all “No no I cant talk about it”…despite having just posted on public forum…for 583 of their closest friends to see
Imma let you in on a secret the reason that they ‘cant talk about it’ ….it ISN’T because they are deciding between moving in with Chad Micheal Murray up on One Tree Hill or trying to make it work Adam Brody back in the OC and don’t want to risk ending up on the cover of GRAZIA when the media get wind of their celebrity scandal….
….but rather that they would like to elude to such interesting troubles… even though the biggest thing going on in their life is whether or not to eat wholegrain bread before they leave the house because they don’t want to poo in a public toilet…its cool ladies we’ve all been there but lets not pretend that you’re any more interesting than you are…

Translation of other hazy posts:

Update: “Omg so in love”---translation: “I just masturbated to ‘She’s all that’ staring Freddy Prince Jr”


“So happy right now”---translation: “I probably won’t cut myself tonight”



“Best night- thanks to everyone who was there”---translation: “I finally made a bowel movement after 3 days…thankyou prune juice”



Oh by the way I get that my references are all “Sooo 2005” but that’s where I like to live and I still believe that both CMM and the Brodster are going to make a comeback of epic proportions.

I have no friends and I am about to shit my pants (parenthesis: the story about how having violent diarrhoea taught me that I need to get out more )

One day while sitting in doctors surgery and pondering who I could call to pick me up in case my bowel movements became so frequent that I was to shit myself on the bus ride home….I starting going through my phonebook, my parents and brother were at work, my sister was at uni and I sort of started to find myself feeling a little bereft of friends ….and I don’t mean ‘friends’ …because I have around 448 of them according to Facebook…but I mean proper friends.
You know the kind that you can call up at anytime and be like “I need you” and you know that they would just be there for you? When I think about how many of them I have in the world the HONEST TO GOD the figure I came up with was FOUR...(eight if you include family …but I am not going to)…
Out of those four... two of them are currently overseas so the whole “I need you” thing is a little redundant if it means that they would have to fly across the world to help a sister out
…so lets say right now at this moment, I have two friends in this country that I can ask to come and pick me up from the doctors because I have a violent case of diarrhoea and am scared to catch the bus because I just may shit my pants…one of whom actually did do this for me.
Part of me feels a little ‘SHITTED OFF’ about the whole thing...I mean four? REALLY? Four?…
There a lot of things I could blame my lack of friends on…I could go “People are shit!” and at the time I am pretty sure that I did… but thinking about it, it mainly comes back to me.
Each week I get all the same invites that everybody gets. Somebody’s birthday, someone’s housewarming, someone’s band is playing but in the last month I have rarely ventured to any of them… the reasons are often these: I am too sick, I am too tired or I am working. Ok fine, these are valid enough reasons but then the routine is generally, apologise, talk about rescheduling to spend time together, never actually reschedule, repeat.
The thing is there are people that I know I would get along with and potentially be quite close to if I made the effort/people that I have been close with and drifted because I didn’t make the effort and while often I am sick, tired or working, I am not ALWAYS all these things and maybe on my days off I shouldn’t be laying about watching The Mitchell and Webb Situation on my own but I should actually schedule one of these elusive catch-up’s that I always talk about…because lets face it, Elise is going to be in Guyana for 3 months as of December and then who the hell is going to pick me up from the doctors when I am close to giving birth to several thousand poo babies?

Bail

Tammy, My chest is turning grey and my hairline is receding. The woman that I've been sleeping with for the past four years is the woman that I will be sleeping with the rest of my life. Tell me anything in your life that is more frightening than that..
As I write in here, I wonder how long it will take you to read over this. I wonder how often you read over these things that you write and which parts you allow others to see. I wonder which sins of yours remain a secret. I wonder how many times you have felt 'I love you' and been too afraid to say it. I wonder of the friends that miss you, for god knows you would be missed…I wonder how many would know you miss them too.
I wonder of the strangers that will never know how you analyse them. I wonder of the people that you have wronged who will never know how sorry you are. I wonder of the million more thoughts in your head that never even reach paper.
You speak aloud so often, yet there is still so much more in you to say. Mark.



This guy is walking around the streets while I wait for the tram, screaming about how cancer is not a real illness, that it was just invented to make us afraid. I laughed to myself, thinking how all those people that had died from 'supposed' cancer related causes must be really dedicated to making us all afraid.
Not too many people were paying him attention but if you looked at his eyes, you could see that he really believed it. It seemed strange to me that anyone could think like that, but then I guess that there are crazier things.
Millions of people believe the bible word for word, people believe Today Tonight News and celebrity gossip magazines, with little to no proof of facts.
We see a photograph of Brittany Spears standing next to anybody and read a headline that says she fucked them, and we believe it. We believe things that we can not understand, like science. We believe theories by logicians, because they are smarter than us.
We've seen photos of what cancer can do, we've read articles about cancer and we've known people that were diagnosed with cancer but what do we actually know?
Who is this crazy man and where the fuck is my tram?

I looked down at Richard, clenched between my thighs, moaning and gasping like an idiot while I did all the work. I knew if I didn't get up, I'd only be wasting another three minutes.
"I'm going" I say, reaching past his shoulder for my bra.
"Now???" He asks, grabbing my waist and holding me down on him.
"Yes now" I say, pulling his hands away and getting up and sitting over my bag.
He sits up and leans over my shoulders "But I was just about to-
I cut him off "Fuck. Your. Self" I say pushing him off.
"Are you breaking up with me?" he pauses "Are you breaking up with me during sex?"
"What do we actually do Richie?" I ask, throwing on my dress and putting things into my bag.
"What do you mean?" he asks, confused.
"I was thinking today, we have sex, we drink and we eat dinner" I shake my head "I have to go"
"What else is there?" He says, sitting in bed looking puzzled.
"Are you so afraid?" I ask "Are you so fucking afraid to eat, drink and sleep alone?" he stares back at me saying nothing "Where are my undies?" I ask.
"Do you want me to fight for you?" He asks.
"Where the fuck are my undies?" I say, now more irritated.
"You are so hard to please, you do this,. You don't say anything then you say everything at once and I have to take it all in, then you want a response straight away, how do I react to this, what would be the right way?"
I rummage around, then spot my underwear on the edge of the bed, I put them on and walk toward his door.
"Tamara", he calls out after me.
I turn around and look at him "What?"
"No ones asking you to be unhappy but you"
"Stop being so fucking right" I yell. "It's annoying" I slam the door.


Just because this isn't bad, doesn't mean that it is good. Rockmelon isn't bad but God knows it isn't good. Why on earth would I eat it everyday when there are so many other good things that I could be trying?
I know that you could. I know that you'd stay somewhere just because it's safe for you. I know that you're capable of that. To constantly settle for things being ok, and that is your mistake. If you eat rockmelon for long enough, soon you will not even know the taste of anything else. You won't even try because the thought of food, any kind… will make you sick. Your mouth is so fucking stale and no toothpaste can fix that kind of thing…



On the phone to Craig.
"So when does Ray go back to uni?" I ask
"Who's that?" Craig asks playfully.
"I don't know…Your boyfriend?" I laugh
"Oh that bitch…SHE doesn't, at least not for art, his Mum has convinced him to go back to medicine"
"Really? Why? I though he hated it?"
"Oh yes Tammy and I'm simply devastated"
"How does he feel? I mean he was so into it, art I mean."
"Tammy focus, me" he taunts.
I laugh and put on a British accent; "I wish you'd stop calling him a girl, its insulting to women and the feminist movement to associate feeble behaviour with female attributes"
"Look he's fucking a mummy's boy, I need to get out of this one" he pauses "lesbo"
"Craig, no- not again, Ray is sweet" I pause "And I am not a lesbo!"
"Whatever, Oh Tinky, I don't want sweet- if I wanted sweet I'd date a virgin. I need someone who'll stand up for their rights. If you and I weren't both gay I'd date you."
"I am not" I interrupt
He pauses "You know his parents still don't know he's gay- we've been together for 6 months and he's been pushing shit for years before I even came along… they still don't know. They don't even know that we live together. I've never even met them. They've come round to our place at least 5 times in the past 3 months…"
"Has it been that long?"
"…always conveniently when I'm away. I haven't been in the closet since I was a teenager, but I've suddenly jumped into his. Besides I can't marry a doctor."
"Have you spoken to him about it?"
"He starts crying, he's so emotional"
"Aaaaaw"
"No Tammy, No 'Aaw', he is a little bitch and I'm tired of it, I've been singing to the tune of Sheryl Crow: 'Are you strong enough to be my man?'" he sings tunefully, he continues "All week, All week. And you know what the answer is don't you? Its no, It's always no"
"I didn't realise it was so bad"
"Well it is, that's why I'm moving in to Jerome's' Newtown, tonight"
"Rewind- who is that?"
"Jerome"
"A friend"
"Liar! You're sleeping with him!"
"Do you really think that little of me"
"I know if you weren't, you'd just move back in with your parents"
"Well maaaaybe it's easier for work" he says childishly.
"How? Leichart is closer to your work?"
"Well maaaaybe I am sleeping with him but maaaybe I wouldn't have to if my own boyfriend could love me properly"
"Oh my god, I cannot believe you Craig, you're trying to blame him for this- how long have you been fucking him?"
"I don't know"
"Maaaaybe you should tell me the truth" I mock.
"Look, I have needs and Ray is boring, don't feel sorry for him, he's boring, I don't know, a few months"
"When?"
"Since July ish"
"What? You only got together with Ray in August"
"Yeah… well"
"Why the fuck did you keep doing it? Why did you move in with him?- you obviously weren't serious from the start"
"See, this is why I didn't tell you" he groans, I can practically hear his eyes rolling over the phone.
"I just don't understand why you had to lie, you could have had an open relationship or something?"
"Yeah, I can really see Ray going for that"
"Well then why did you go for him if you knew you weren't compatible?"
"Don't act like you don't understand emotions, like everything is so clear cut"
"How do you say you love someone, live with them, lie to them and think you aren't in the wrong?"
"I don't know Tink, how do you fuck your ex-boyfriends best friend? Maybe it's in that manual"
"You prick" I remark, bitterly.
"Sorry"
"I don't blame other people for my mistakes and I can't change things that have already been done"
"We can't all rationalise like you"
"Don't patronize me"
"Don't persecute me"
"Well stop trying to make yourself feel better by shifting the blame"
"I'm leaving now, Isn't that the right thing? I don't hear you praising me for that"
"It is the right thing"
"Frankly I blame you anyway, if you still lived here you would have acted as my conscience and kept me in line"
"you make me sound so bossy"
"You are"
"Shut up" I bite
He laughs; "But I wuv you Jimeny Cricket"

"Yoooooou're late" Hannah Harps from behind the counter as I try to tip toe in.
I stop as though I've been hit by a spotlight "Sorry I know, I missed my alarm"
"Don't worry, I was late too" she says laughing- her expression quickly neutralises; "Ben and I broke up- for good this time, he's moved out" she says, leaning over the counter and looking out side.
"Oh, are you ok?" I ask, short of words.
"Yeah I'm fine, it's been a long time coming" she sighs.
There is a silence, I opt for a safe bet; "Men are wankers" I blurt
"True that-What about you, Are you seeing anyone?" she asks looking up.
"Nah" I say throwing my bag behind the counter
"Hey Tammy"
"Yeah?"
"Are you a lesbian?"
"No" I laugh
"Oh, ok" She says, with a slight disbelief in her tone
"Why?" I ask
"I was just wondering if it was a possible avenue for me, Julie at the café next door is gay, she's always in a good mood"
"That MUST be because she's a lesbo" I say sarcastically, then pausing for a moment to think how I am always so sarcastic.
"So you've been with girls though, yeah?" She asks.
I slip out of my daze "Yeah, I dated a girl for a while"
"I've had a few one night stands with women …Do you think you might be gay?" she looks at me wide eyed.
"I guess emotionally it works but physically it doesn't really" I half heartedly respond, bored of having to explain my sexuality, daily.
"So you're straight?"
I shrug and smile "I guess"
"Its hard right, God's cruel, women understand each other, we speak the same language but men, they just haven't got a clue, I think I'm getting my period" she rants.
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah I have some plugs in my bag" She says waving her hand
"I mean- about the other thing…. Ben?"
"I said its fine didn't I Tammy?" she says, in a condescending type way.
I figure I wont mess with a women who's hormonal and just broken up with her boyfriend of 6 years "Yeah, sorry"



Men are like tampons; they sit inside you and take what ever they can get.
In Richards' case it never took him more than a few minutes to get everything that he wanted.
I am not blind to my own ways; I can see that I am far too complicated and that my expectations at times are too high.
Generally I would just stay in relationships where I was not quite happy and wait to be dumped so I could blame someone else for my misery. Something had changed though, I'd suddenly stopped fearing being alone.
When you are lying next to someone that bores you so much that you can't breathe, you suddenly start warming to your own company.


I am sitting in the café near my house, writing and onto my second red bull.
"You know a girl died from drinking too many of those" A man says to me from the next table. He looks about late 30s, glasses and a receding hairline. You can tell he's the type of guy that used to be attractive; he has that kind of arrogant attitude.
"There is the same amount of caffeine in this as there is your coffee there" I say rolling my eyes.
He laughs "What are you writing?"
"Nothing" I snap.
"Sorry?" he asks standing up and walking over to my table.
I pick up my purple notebook and hold it against my chest. "I said I'm not writing anything"
"Liar" he laughs, placing his coffee down in front of me.
"Can I read your 'nothing' then?" he says as he pulls out a chair.
"No, not at all, I don't even know you" I say shaking my head.
"Fair enough" He pauses, offering his hand "I'm Mark"
"Tammy" I say, ignoring his hand and taking a sip of my red bull. "Was there anything else, Mark?"
"Nope" he says drinking his coffee and grinning.
I stare at him and raise my eyebrows "I'm trying to write"
"Don't let me stop you" he smiles, placing his chin on his hands and batting his eyelids.
I close my notepad and sit it down. "Look, I'm here because I can't get any privacy at home, I can't concentrate with people looking at me"
He starts laughing.
"What?" I ask, annoyed "what's so funny?"
He laughs more "Beg my pardon, Tammy. You can't ‘concentrate’ in your own home so you come to a public place, a busy café and expect-" He pauses and laughs again "privacy?"
I shake my head, "You know what, you're right- It was a silly idea" I grab my red bull, shake it and realise its empty. I stand up and walk out onto the street, I hit the button on the traffic light, it flashes green almost immediately.
He follows me "Hey Tammy, wait"
This is familiar; I turn around "What?"
"I'm sorry, that was rude. I just don't really know how to approach new people" He pauses "I just always find writers so interesting- the look on your face when you were writing, it was like you really had something to say"
I smile "I'm a female; I always have something to say"
"So talk to me, I'm interested" he points at the notebook in my hand.
I put it in my bag ""I have to go"
"Where?" He asks.
"Home" I say, looking at him for a moment "It was nice to meet you" I turn and hit the button at the traffic lights, again.
"But you'll only be distracted" He grabs my arm "I'm not trying to sleep with you" he holds up his left hand "I'm married"
The green light starts flashing again, I stand with on foot on the curb and half turn, facing him for a moment, I turn around and cross the road. I look back and he is still standing there "what are you trying to do then?" I yell to him.
"Don't you ever meet someone and feel that you have to get to know them?" he shouts back, cars start moving again.
I laugh and I pull out my notebook and take my pen out of the spirals and cross the road, ignoring the cars coming from either direction, I can only watch the ground. I walk back over to him. I can hear beeping but it seems so far away. I stand in front of him on the kerb but don't look up, I quickly jot down my mobile number on the last page.
"Here" I say holding it out, looking at his shoes. They are brown chucks, they look so old. He takes the book, I make eye contact for a moment.
"Let me know when you're done" I say, before turning back around and hitting the traffic light again.
I can feel him staring at my back. I turn around to see him smiling at me "What?" I ask, rolling my eyes and hitting the button several more times.
"Nothing" his grin widens "I'll talk to you soon" he says, saluting.
"Fine" I say turning in the other direction and walking.
"Hey!" he yells
"Yeah?" I ask.
"Weren't you going THAT way?"
"I can go this way" I say shaking my head. As I walk the longer way home, things seem surreal and I'm unsure of what just happened.


Apparently scientists have found this void in the universe. It's not made up of matter or anti matter, its just nothing. Nothing? How can you even imagine nothing? How can ANYTHING be nothing? Its not? It cannot be? But if it is, our world as we know it is untrue. Craig tells me that the whole universe could just be some kids' science project, that we could all be the size of an atom…or even smaller. That everything seems so big because we see it in comparison? Maybe he is right?...Or maybe we have to believe in more because the whole world is not enough for us?

Its 10:30. I'm lying in my room. My housemate, Kain knocks on my door, before I can answer he opens it.
"You hungry? I'm cooking"
"Nah, thanks"
"You know you'll get diabetes if you keep living on Chocolate, Pringles and red bull" he says in a fatherly like tone.
"Or I could die of cancer if I go outside" I smile.
He laughs, shaking his head "Alright, goodnight" He leans my door for a moment then opens it again. "Hey, you aren't still seeing that dickhead are you?"
I pause for a moment- almost about to ask 'which one?'.
"Nah" I blow air and scratch my head "that is over"
"Good" he smirks, shutting my door.
All night I sit up, wondering if I'll hear from Mark, wondering why I would want to. Nothing.

It's Friday, 10:28 and I am at work, I'm trying to take a shit. I can hear the work phone ringing and I'm just contemplating what kind of customer might be on the line. Will it be:
'What's the best price you can do on that vanity in the catalogue?'
'Hey Love, Do yous deliver to the country? Eooow, you sound nice, what's your name?'.
'Do you custom make bathtubs? I need one to match my Louie Vitton wall paper'
Kill me now. I need the longest holiday, Somewhere so far.
I need a career, I can practically look into a window outside this bathroom and see myself, selling myself for the rest of my life… answering stupid questions, forever.
Last year it was clothes, now its furniture… next thing you know its ding dong, AVON calling. I'm sick of being a spokesperson for bullshit. I'd love to work for a cause that I actually believe in, like helping to plan the assassination of George Cluny or finding a cure for period pain…
I know I'm young but I have to stop using it as an excuse to be lazy, I wish I actually knew what I wanted, I'm far too fickle.
My phone is vibrating in my shorts and banging against my knees. It's a message:
"Read your binder and am speechless. Mark, alias: The weird man from swan St Cafe"
I write back "Why speechless?"
I stay in the bathroom for at least another 7 minutes, further contemplating my life and helping to insight theories with the staff at work that I may very well have eaten some bad Curry last night…I don't even eat curry!
Around an hour later on the shop floor, I receive a message from Mark: "lunch?"

11:43:11 "I'm at work" I write, putting my phone back under the counter.

I think about it as I troll around the store for the next 15 minutes or so but am determined not to check if he's replied
11:43:57 "Don't sales girls eat?"

12:01:03 "I break at 12:30 for half an hour" I reply, throwing my phone back in my pocket this time.

12:05:08 "where is your store? I'll be there at 12:28"

12:06:09 "I'll just meet you at the cafe"

Its lunch and I have to walk so quickly to get to the café, its worse because my stomach is bubbling and I feel like I have diarrhoea- do I have diarrhoea? Is that even how you spell die-oh-re-ah? Any moment now I could shit my pants and somehow between all my internal movements and the poo in my undies I'm going to have to fit everything that I want to say to this man I barely know into fifteen minutes, less if I order food, god I can't even think about eating.
I see Mark standing out front; he has already spotted me and is smiling.
"Hey there" he says cheerfully.
He looks so happy
Its weird
"but I jusI don't want food" I blurt then raise my eyebrows at my own statement…in a manner that would suggest I was a mute that just realised they had a voice.
"Don't tell me you want to skip straight to 'dessert'" he laughs.
"No- I don't know where that came from. Look basically I have a lot to say and I don't know if I'm actually going to see you again after this so I'm just going to speak"
He raises his eyebrows t continue talking and avoiding eye-contact "I've felt like I have had a hurricane inside my stomach for the past three days, Its like I need to constantly go to the bathroom- do you know what that's like?- wait, don't answer, I don't care. Basically I keep thinking that I'm about to poo my pants and it's horrible, it's like that feeling you get before a big play or when you are waiting for a phonecall and actually I had been waiting for a phonecall, from you and I'm not actually sure why. I didn't actually like you when we met, actually I thought you were weird and kind of desperate and you were wearing bad shoes" I pause and look at his shoes "-and you are still wearing them and I'm not saying that I'd want to bed you now, which doesn't really matter because you're married anyway…even though I cant really work out what kind of guy you are and if you would do 'that' to your wife… I wouldn't anyway so don't think ‘that' that is why I care. But the thing is that I DON’T know and I DO care what you think and why you think it and I want to know and I don't want to know because if its bad I will care and if its good I will care and then things will just be weird and its going to affect me and I KNOW what you are thinking. Why would she care about what I think? And Oh is this girl on crack? and well no I'm not, perfectly sober, never taken drugs, in fact very anti drugs but you'd be thinking it anyway and then of coarse you'd be thinking something else about me an opinion of me that was in your mind prior to this rant but that has probably worsened through the duration of it and I would like to know what that is…no I wouldn't…Yes ok, yes I would" I breath in for a moment.
Mark looks at me bitting his lip and nodding his head.
"I see" he says trying to look thoughtful, but quite obviously holding back laughter "So you DON'T want dessert?" he puffs, laughing and ruffling his hair
I pause, wide eyed "I have to go back to work".
"I'll walk you" he smiles
"really?" I ask
"I said 'I'LL WALK YOU'" he patronises
"ooookaaay" I respond hesitantly, turning back to work and pulling a milkyway out of my bag. I begin chewing
"I find you charming" he smiles, walking next to me.
"Huh?" I look at him with a mouth full of food.
He looks around as we walk "I find you charming…sarcastic…thoughtful…" He pauses "You lazily claim to be 'self-involved' in fear of being named so, by others. In fact I think you are probably one of the most empathetic and thoughtful people I have met or will ever meet. And yes, though obsessed with your own thoughts, you are not obsessed with YOURSELF. If I had to pick one word to sum you up though, it would be 'curious'…"
I stop walking for a moment, as does he, we face each other, and I'm still chewing my chocolate. We make complete eye contact, he continues;
"…and merely for the fact that the word is so ambiguous- for as curious as you are of your surroundings, you fail to notice that all around you, you are inspiring everyone else to be curious about who YOU are. You know nothing about me and wish to know more yet I know so much about you after reading that journal of yours - and if you were to tell me twice as much I'd still want to know more, I'd still be…. curious"
"Ok" I say, nodding my head in the same manner that he had previously, I continue walking "thankyou- for saying that…you know…what you've said" I say, sheepishly.
"You don't have you thank me, its not like I said I like you" He laughs.
"You don't like me?" I ask, offended.
"I do" he smiles.
"Thankyou" I say, munching.
"Well now you know that I like to talk too"
"How old are you??
"I am 37"
"I'm 19" I smile
"I know"
"It's unjust that you know that and everything else and I know nothing about you" I grumble
"You're right, its 'unjust'…right up there with whaling, no no, world hunger" he teases.
"What's your job?"
"I'm a computer engineer"
"So is my dad!” I get overly excited for a moment “How long have you been married?"
"Two years"
"What's your wife's name?"
"Mariah"
"How old is she?"
"38"
"Oooh older woman"
"Only by a year, we have the same birthday, one year apart"
"When's your birthday?"
"Monday, week"
"What does she do?"
He laughs "Apart from nag and spend all my money, she's a nurse- but currently working at childcare centre"
"For sick kids?"
"No" he laughs again "rich kids"
"Oh" I pause "hey, this is me so uh… see ya?"
"Nice little shop front, did you do those?" he says waving his hand at the furniture display in the window.
"I'm going to be late" I wave.
He army gestures me and I reach for the door.
"Are you in love with her?" I ask.
He smiles, one of those smiles that you half try to fight back for a moment, but simply cant because the thing that you're thinking about is too amazing
"yeah, I really am"
I smile back, but my smile seems half hearted now
"See ya"
"Hey" He calls "Did you really think I wouldn't see you again?"
I turn around and shrug "I dunno?" I'm not being cute, I really don't know.
"I didn't bring your journal; I'll bring it next time"
"Ok" I nod, as if ‘next time’ for us was second nature to me.

It's Saturday and I have to work, I'm dreading it completely, my alarm is buzzing and I keep hitting Snooze until Harry knocks on my door and cheerfully choirs "Tam meee, it's time to get uuuup"
I hate anyone that is happier than me at any time but I especially hate anyone who is awake before me AND still happier than me.

"Mariah is pregnant"
"Shit! good news…Wait- is it good news?"
"Yeah, it is" He beams
"Good- so how far along?"
"Almost two months"
"Wow, so she just found out?"
"No she found out 2 weeks ago"
"But she just told you?"
"No, she told me straight away"
"Huh?- Oh, okay, good- so your telling me now? and I actually have no reason to be upset that you didn't tell me two weeks ago because I have only known you for two weeks…I have to go"
My phone rings, its Mina. "What have you been dooooing?" she asks, before launching into talking "I'm on my lunch break at work, Fuck I'm so sick of work it just consumes you, to top it all off I'm having problems with Kate again, its like ‘Oh my god, what do you want from me? I share my bed with you, I share my money with you, I give you all my love, do you want me to bleed?’ I love her I do, I couldn't see myself with anyone else its just like hello, I want to see my friends too. Are you there?"
"Yeah I am" I smile
"What have you been doing? Honestly I never see you. God, sorry I cut you off –I always do that, tell me to shut up."
"No its fine- are you and Mina ok?"
"Yeah you know, I'm just whining, I'm actually really happy, I miss you, I've barely seen you in weeks, like not just us- I'm having mass withdrawals. I'm like 'Tina DO YOU UNDERSTAND, I NEED TO SEE TAMMY- DO YOU UNDERSTAND?'"
"Yeah me too, we should catch up"
I really do want to see her
"What's wrong?"
"Nothings wrong, I'm just tired"
"Something is wrong, I can tell, you know I can tell- what is it?"
"Nothing, seriously, I've just been working all week, I'm exhausted"
That’s not a complete lie
"Yeah me too, fuck, I better go back, I only have fifteen minutes and I wanted to speak to you but its like 'what can you do in fifteen minutes?' you know, unless you're like a smoker or something- ok I love you, promise me I'll see you soon"
"You will, I love you too, bye"

Richard goes to the bathroom and I go to order a drink, I'm standing at the bar when I turn around and see Mark sitting across from a lady, who I'd assumed to be his wife.
I storm over "Hi Mark" I say squinting my eyes.
"You must be Mariah" the lady says looking at me and putting out her arm.
"NO- ARE YOU?" I ask rudely before realising the stupidity of my question
"Tammy – Margaret. Margaret- Tammy" Mark waves his hand and rolls his eyes.
I storm off back to the bar.

"I pictured him to be skinnier and I thought he'd have curly hair, he looks older, how old is he?" Mark teases.
"It's none of your business. Besides, I'm not 38- why would she think I was your wife? I don't appreciate you letting your girlfriends think that we are married MARK"
"Girlfriends? Margaret is a lady from work, and not everyone is as nosey as you, she doesn't know how OLD Mariah is, you could have easily been her"
"Nosey? No I could not have easily been her, don't compare me to someone who would let you fuck her!"
"How old is he then? Huh?"
"He's 34"
"He's almost as old as me"
"He doesn't look as old as you, he has a better complexion"
"Yeah, his boyfriend probably gives him facials"
"He's not gay Mark"
"That's not what that leather jacket of his said"
"How old is Margaret then?"
"Late 20s”
"She looks early 40s, Mariah's a lot prettier"
I say that laughing in my head because I have not met her and only seen a bad pixilation photo
"Thankyou"
"It's not a compliment to YOU, you are fucking the other one"
"Where are you getting these ideas? You've had too much to drink."
"You said you had a date tonight"
"I did, with my wife, MARIAH, who is here now"
"Well then what is SHE doing here?"
"Margaret and I finished up early at work so I thought we'd come here for a few drinks before I met up with Mariah. You told me to come to this place"
"YESS but not when I'M here"
"Well I didn't think that you two would be here yet. I thought we'd have been and gone… what sane people start drinking at 7?"
"Well YOOOO are"
"So what then? So what if I was spying? And say I was with Margaret, how on earth does that concern you?"
"YOU YOU YOU YOU FUCK OFF"
"Stoppit, you're acting like…"
"What? A child?"
"Oh my god- stand still, don't move"
I get home and Harry and Kain are sitting in the kitchen. There are the usual greetings and the 'Oh how was your day?' …the boring responses 'It was ok, I just worked'… God we are all such liars
I'm cooking pasta and Kain is staring at me 'let me guess, macaroni and cheese?'
I roll my eyes "Yes Kain, Macaroni and cheese"
"Don't you ever eat anything else? Don't you get bored?"
Kain goes through stages of trying to piss me off…there are lots of different ways he goes about it… being condescending and arrogant, talking to me as though he's donning words of wisdom. I'm clearly just young and stupid and he needs to show me the paths toward a better life…basically acting as though he's really concerned about my well-being but really just trying to belittle me.
Then there are just basic rude big brotherish style acts like throwing me in a sink and turning on the cold water or putting a mattress against my door to stop me from getting out... throwing water on me when I have a cold…
I think his biggest triumphs are when he traps me into insulting myself…saying things with innuendo but making me throw in the punch line.
It's my own fault for biting.
I suppose it's worse at the moment because he hasn't got uni. I just imagine him sitting around trying to think up ways to irritate me.
I'm being pretty hard on him I guess, he can be encouraging too, like when he found out I wanted to go to Europe he found me his handbook on all the awesome spots and a travel guide. Once I was lying on my floor whinging about my period and he went out and got me a hot water bottle and chocolate and I guess most the time when he's a real jerk, he recognises it. Right now I'm doing the 'I'm ignoring you' trick. It seems to be working because he and Harry are talking about chicks with big heads.
"Total prawn" Kain says
"Huh?" Harry asks
"Well you know, like a prawn. You eat the body but throw the head away, she's got it all going on in her body but you know that face, horrible"
"Oh yeah? You think? Stacy's alright you know?" Harry continues.
"I think she's pretty" I add.
"Silence! Small head!" Kain beams.
"I don't have a small head" I argue.
"You kind of do" Harry laughs.
I try to act insulted but I can't help laughing.
"Oh piglet, what are we going to do with you?" asks Kain.
"I don't know, but for now I'm going to my room to eat macaroni and cheese"



"What's that?" he says pointing at a flannelette shit hanging on my dresser.
"A shirt" I say, defensively.
"Is it one of your housemates?"
"No"
"It's not yours is it?"
"No"
"Is it Richards?" he asks, bluntly.
"If you are so fucking good at relationships then why the hell aren't you with your wife now?" He stares at me, expressionless.
I stand up and walk to the door "It's not Richards fucking shirt, one of the Sydney guys left it here when they were on tour" I pause "and no I didn't fuck them" I say storming out and slamming my front door. I realise that I don't have my key.
"Fuck" I say jumping up and down, my eyes fill up with tears, I sit down on the steps in front of my house and throw my head in my hands. My phone starts to ring, Its Mark.
"What?" I grumble down the line
"You left your keys" he says, his voice echoes as he opens the door behind me.
He is carrying my bag, sitting down next to me he places it on his lap. He sits down next to me, puffing out his cheeks and nodding his head. We both smile and it quickly turns to intense laughing.
"Don't you think that it's weird that we keep hanging out?" I ask
"Why?" he responds.
"I don't know I-"
He interrupts "Yeah I do" he pauses.
There is a silence.
"I'm moving to New Zealand"
"What?" I scowl.
He looks at me raising his eyebrows and nodding his head, silently.
"I mean, I heard you but… What?" I ask.
"Mariah's family is there and now that she's pregnant…she wants to be closer to them"
I laugh sarcastically, pretending not to be offended "Oh right well it's not like you owe me an explanation" I laugh again "You know, it's not like I'm your 'girlfriend' or even your friend- I mean we've known each other like what- a month?" I force another laugh and look away.
"I leave Friday" he says staring fore ward "And what do you mean we aren't friends?" he says, angrily.
My heart drops "As in, what- Friday, week?" I blurt, looking at him.
He looks back at me "No, as in this Friday, 2 days away"
"Oh" I look away "Well ah, that's …good. That's very…good" I say, I try to smile but my cheeks just feel like they are being weighed down by metal marbles, I push out my bottom lip but my teeth don't show.
I can't see myself but I don't imagine that it's the most convincing performance.
"You don't have to pretend to be happy, I'm sad too" he says, putting his arm around me.
"What?" I defend; pushing his arm off "You know well maybe I was going to move to Paris next week anyway"
"Were you?"
"Well no…but you don't have to be so arrogant."
"Are you telling me you're fine? You don't feel anything?"
"Uh-yeah."
"Are you lying?"
"Uh-yeah."
"Really? I won't miss you at all" he teases.
I push his arm "I wish you'd told me sooner"
"When was I going to tell you? We've known each other like what? 4weeks?"
"4weeks, Exactly….How long have you known?"
"4 weeks. Exactly" he says "Don't be mad, would you have tried to get to know me if you knew I was leaving?" he asks
"Would you have tried to get to know me if you weren't?" I stand up, walk inside and slam the door

To make anything sound legitimate, just add numbers… L'Oreal's '5 signs of aging'…Head and shoulders '5 signs of dandruff'… and my all time favourite, the ' 5 stages of grieving'.
What makes any philosopher think that he knows that much about human kind that he can pin point exactly how death will affect you? That every single person will go through denial and isolation, anger, bargaining and that depression will eventually lead to acceptance? What a load of shit to ever try to classify things as normal.
'It's normal to cry when your mum dies'… "It's normal to miss her'… 'It's normal' is exactly what is driving an entire society of people to think they need medication for any behaviour that isn't 'normal'.
Telling people how they should act and giving them guidelines is just why half the children in this country are diagnosed with ADD… and bipolar has become a common excuse for people to treat someone else badly and get away with it.

"Are you stalking me?"
"No" he laughs
"Its valentines day, you prick. fuck off"
haha
"you're such an asshole, you planned this, Don't you know that it's the most emotional day of the year? Can't you just disappear quietly? Whatever you have, I don't want it"
"Who says it's for you?"
"Well if it isn't you're fucked"
"Some girl told me that I'm fucked anyway, in fact when I told her that I loved her, I think her exact response was: 'you're fucked'"
"Sorry for not being poetic with my insults"
"Sorry for not being so cynical…maybe you should apologise for being incapable of showing weakness?"
"Look at me you shit-head I'm fucking weak, I haven't eaten all day or had a thought inspired conversation with anyone since Tuesday. F.Y.I: that was you"
"shit-head. You ate a mars bar an hour ago and a cheeseburger before that."
"Stoppit, stop repeating me, you're trying to be condescending, I don't feel stupid for saying it, you're the one who should feel stupid"
"Why? For caring? For trying to rectify a situation?"
"Look where you are, You're in front of the bin. You are getting on a plane in 12 ½ hours to move to another country and you know what time I go to put foam in the bin! And I'm the weak one?"
"If I tell you that it meant nothing, I'm an asshole and a liar. If I tell you I'm in love with my wife, then I'm exactly who you want me to be… but if I feel anything for you, it contradicts everything that you like in me? If I say I want to go, I'm a prick for not valuing you enough. If I ask you to come with me, because I need you, I'm fucked. If I accept that everything that happened, just happened what I am I? A but plug? A poofter? A fanny fart?"
"All of the above"
"What if I say that I've had an amazing time and that I respect you more than anyone else I have ever met…. That I am absolutely crazy about having gotten to know you and that you've completely changed me, forever… If I say that I know you better than I've known anyone in 37 years of breathing? That I can't understand how you've ever been afraid to be completely yourself, when everything I've seen is so fucking amazing? What about if I just say that it has been the weirdest, most intense 4 weeks and two days of my life?"
My eyes well up “I‘ll miss you”
“I‘ll call”
“Don’t” I say shaking my head and sitting down next to the bin. He sits down too
“Will you visit?” he smiles
“No” I say, wiping my face
“Are you lying?” his grin grows wider and he puts his arm around me
“Yes” I nod
“I know you let your guard down and it wasn’t easy. I‘m sorry for not telling you sooner”
“It‘s ok, I thought about it and you were right, I wouldn’t have tried to get to know you if I knew you were going”
“What do we do now?” he asks
“Makeout at the garbage bin?” I say shrugging my shoulders
We both laugh
“Would you have talked to me that day?… if you weren’t going?”
Our eyes meet
Its not sexy
Or romantic
But it’s the realest moment of my life
“I don’t know” he touches my cheek “You’re warm”We sat there for another minute. It was all I could spare before my boss would get suss
　
　

5 questions/ yes I am in the BSC

It probably seems all a little Baby sitters club but whatever I liked those books. So my friend and I are sending 5 things about ourselves back and forth each week. One week she sends me 5 points to elaborate on and the next week I send her 5. Its kind of a sweet way to keep in touch with somebody that I never get to see anymore and has made me realise how little I know about a lot of my friends. These are my answers for this week



Michaela

　



My favourite thing to do is: Paint or watch movies. I love doing both in good company…eg talking over movies and painting dumb cartoons of my friends but I also like to do both on my own. I know neither sound that exciting but both are relaxing and I am happiest when I am able to chill…

　



The saddest I’ve ever been was:

There were a few boys that broke my heart from when I realised that the cute black boy from the kids show Lift off was a tv character…(I am sorry for calling him the cute ‘black boy’ but I don’t remember his name but if you ever read this oh cute black boy from children’s Tv show, Life off ‘call me’)… to semi proper adult romances where I had actually met the guys I was in love with. I think at the time some of the heartbreak that followed seemed like ‘the worst’ but I got over it.

No break up is anything like death and whenever a relationship doesn’t work out I kind of think “well at least nobody is dead”…so I guess death is ultimate sadness. Nothing really compares to a life being over.

My grandmothers stroke was a really hard time for me. Even knowing the logic and how it couldn’t have been prevented, I did blame myself for a really long time for not visiting her that day. Even thinking about it now sends me back to being a little 8th grader.

Earlier this year a friend of mine committed suicide and I started to have similar feelings. I don’t think much compares…well this has all gone a little sad… I preferred talking about Lift off.





The last time I was sick:

Today…. really, I am generally in a bad state. My pals all pay me out for carrying a Vicks inhaler everywhere I go.



Scars?

I have a few. One on my chin from when I fell off a swing and had to get stitches…one on my hip…it’s a big’n, its from when I was riding a skateboard down our old driveway…I wasn’t even standing, I was sitting down but I fell and it hurt baaayd. I also have one on my little toe from when I walked into my parents wine rack…no I wasn’t drunk either, I was pretty young then also.



If I was a movie character I would be:

Well I don’t know if this means someone I would like to be or somebody who represents me…but one that is a bit of both is Edie Sedgewick. I’ve been told many times that I remind people of her and I like that…even if its just because of my hair… She was a bit of a free spirit and I like to see myself like that…though I’m not really the drug taking type…maybe I am a bit more Maria from the Sound of Music..yeah lets go with that

Reasons why I hate dating/ My worst dates of all time

There are many reasons why I enjoy being single…for one I like to sleep next to my computer and my sketch pads with a familiar movie playing and I keep weird hours and apparently make chipmonk noises in my sleep so sharing a bed with anyone and being comfortable and two very conflicting factors…Its always awkward…also when I share a bed with somebody I like, I often stay awake worrying that I will fart in my sleep.
I do honestly enjoy my own company and easily feel crowded and short-tempered when I spend too much time with anyone…in saying that I have been madly in love before and it can be awesome.
I would put ‘having sex with whoever I want’ in this category but that’s not something I actually do…
Cons of being single include: my Opa constantly asking me why I am not married while questioning my life-plan …oh and Valentines day…oh and DATING…Its something I try not to do because it stresses me out even more than the thought of growing old with a body pillow with Zach Braffs face painted on it.
Why does dating scare me you ask? Well friend, let me tell you.


So pretty much the worst date I ever had was when I was hanging out at this guys place and we were watching a movie that included a sequence where this couple were role-playing a rape and the guy I am with turns to me and says “So do you have an unfulfilled desire for Fantasy rape?”…Um…really?… “No I don’t”…he then follows this with an “Oh- why not?”…. as if I am the one being completely out of line…
I continue to focus on the movie then casually looking around at his room that has all kinds of weird masks and completely disturbing pictures, I then wonder how I didn’t realise this guy was a fucking freak before… and I kind of resign myself to the idea that I am probably going to die… but its cool guys, I escaped the rape dungeon.
It is fair to say that I am a Freak magnet and a times a little naïve. I like to believe that people have redeeming qualities… like whatever, he’s a psychopath but he kind of looks like Jude Law… in dim lighting…while squinting.


I often end up on ‘dates’ that I didn’t actually realise were dates.
One of those times I was out with this guy on what he thought was a date and what I thought was just a trip to see a Jim Carey Movie… this was before my weird Jim Carey sex dreams… but seriously when you hear about the guys I date.- is it really that odd that I fantasise about Jim Carey…?
Anyway so I am on this date, before the movie starts he is doing that thing you do when you like somebody where you make up dumb reasons to touch them “Oh your hands are so small”… “What are your earrings meant to be”… “got your wallet- try to get it back”
…really? I hate you…keep my wallet… I will give you all the money I have if it means you will stop touching my hands and my earrings…
Anyway I fall asleep in the movie…afterward he asks if I want to go for coffee and I am all “I don’t drink coffee [HAHA but really -take.me.home!]” … He drives me home…on the ride home, I fall asleep for the SECOND TIME because I am so bored hearing about him dumb corporate job. We arrive at my place and he leans in for a hug which I am reluctant to go into and then he sort of holds the hug for way longer than is necessary for me …and then does that whole ‘our cheeks are touching now’ and I quickly pull away and am all “Goodnight”. I do not invite him in, do not comment on how much fun I had (because I didn’t) . I don’t apologise for falling asleep (I‘m not sorry, that was the best part of my night) and I do not even end with anything even vaguely suggesting that I EVER want to see him again… I figured I could POSSIBLY expect a text about how cold I am or perhaps he would just think I was such a bitch that he would leave me alone…no, he does not. Instead I get a message saying that it was lovely to see me and that its so cute that I fell asleep …twice …and that we should do it again. (Dear God.)

I once met potentially the only straight guy in a gay club who asked me out to a lunch and a movie for the next day and when I was hungover and didn’t answer my phone, he called me from several different numbers then sent a text saying that if I am not interested that I needed to tell him and he’d leave me alone. I did just that and he didn’t. He demanded to know why I wasn’t interested and why I would give him my number if I didn’t want to go out with him. I said that he was coming on too strong and I am not into it…he then tried to call me from a few other numbers….How did he have so many numbers?…professional freak

Another time I knowingly went on a kind-of-date with this guy, we were meeting up and just going to make a day of it…We walked past this place and I told him that this exhibition was on that I was keen on seeing and he’s like “Oh man I am really poor you know…student” ..I look at the cover charge …its $10.…Is he kidding me? I am modern lady right… I do not expect him to pay for my dinner or open the car door for me…but if you are going to ask a gal out, you could maybe have a few bucks on you… I wanted to go anyway so I said I’d pay for both of us and I did.
He was completely uninterested in anything and spent half the time on the phone IN A MUSEUM being totally obnoxious and talking loudly to his mate about how ‘this girl’ dragged him to an exhibition. Why? I ended up leaving before I saw half of what I wanted to see and thinking, man there must be something good about this guy and fair enough he wasn’t interested in the exhibition, I was the one that suggested it. I think, maybe I should make some kind of attempt to get to know him. Somehow we get into a conversation where he tells me his exgirlfriend a slut which somehow leads to him continuously trying to hold my hand and stop in the middle of the park several times where we were walking through and then face me as if we are about to kiss, despite me moving my head to the side EACH TIME.
He later did call me a bitch…and I suspect he told the next girl that he tried to date that I was a slut.

I have also been on bad dates with guys that I have somehow ended up with for a while after… bumping my head really hard on the wall from laughing too much after ordering the LEAST sexy dish in the world…spaghetti…and getting it all over my clothes and face…how could he NOT want to be with me?

On the other side of the spectrum are the dates where I was the weird one but just didn’t realise it… like a guy asking me if I wanted to stay at his place to save me a ride home oh yeah I bet you want to ‘save me a ride home’…I think to myself, assuming that we are going home to fuck… only to find out that he is a complete gentleman…at the one time you do not want a man to be… and that he sets me up in his room while he sleeps in the guest room… and I am left sexually frustrated and unable to sleep…not even weird Jim Carey Dreams can console me now…

I once also lent in for a kiss with a guy who’s response was not even to give me the cheek but to actually say “No thankyou”…very politely too…like I just offered him a chip…I cant believe I just admitted that but its out there now…oh my how the tables have turned…I am totally “Got your wallet” guy now.
I cant even remember this dudes name but he has permanently scarred my self confidence.

Basically I think dates are awkward and ‘outdated’…see what I did there? I think its best to be drunk for the entire first month of dating a person…even if you don’t like them all that much you might not really notice and you will do a whole bunch of things that you wouldn’t sober which might make for an exciting story to tell your future baby who is a product of the unprotected sex you had after a few Vodka Redbulls…See Opa I have a plan!

A nation that is in no way ‘moving forward’- Or a Nation that doesn’t believe in Gay marriage or quality of life for anyone who is not Anglo-Saxon

 

I didn’t register to vote until I was 19... And probably closer to 20. My reason for not wanting to vote was largely because I just felt as though I wasn’t aware enough about the politics of this country to make an educated decision about who should be running it. I had watched Question time and they all looked like a pack of wankers to me.
The Kevin 07 campaign was happening and I was living in Melbourne. One of my housemates discovered that I was not registered and was outraged. The other guy I was living with admitted that he didn’t really understand how it all worked either, so we set ourselves on a mission to work it all out.
I liked the sound Labours’ policies and the prospect of having new leadership made me feel like this country could make a real turn around…whatever that meant…I’ll be honest, I just wanted to be buds with K-Rudd…I still do.
When Ol’ Kev made his apology to the Indigenous people, like most Australians I was pretty moved. A few things did change after that but then things got flat again. I know the whole Julia Gillard thing was just Labour saving face but I kind of thought they were taking it as a small stance too…maybe somewhat naively I thought that bigger changes would start happening.
Instead election time rolled around and we got to watch her and Tony Abbot behave like children and avoid answering any questions on policy. When he brought up the topic of ‘boat people’, she/Labour had the option of taking the highroad… like discussing more in depth how few refugees Australia actually take in compared to other smaller countries….instead Labour stooped to the Libs level and played on The Racist Australian vote and promised stricter laws on boat people… as if that was such an issue in the first place?
The thing that pisses me off the most is this whole concept of ‘moving forward, if anything it seems that we are regressing. I feel that way for a lot of reasons but the main one is that I fear this Country is becoming increasingly unwelcoming and increasingly discriminatory. When I hear the prejudice things that people that so many people I know have said, it doesn’t shock me that we are heading in this direction. It does however disgust me.

Gay marriage:
“Who do they think they are? Gays can't own rainbows. I reserve my right as a homophobic man to fly a rainbow flag and wear rainbow clothing for no other reason other than they are pretty and I like them...Rainbows I mean...not gays…definitely not Gays"
That was my impression of a person of a homophobic person. It was made up but it is pretty much how every homophobic person sounds to me…
I feel like most discrimination, homophobia is built on fear. Fear that they are going to turn us all gay. Fear that the institution of marriage which is traditionally something that is entered into by a male and a female will forever be ruined…just like our precious rainbows.
I have actually heard people say things like “Well cant they get their own tradition? Why would they want to be the same as straight people?”…I’m.sorry.what?
Oh yeah totally, why would two people want to be recognised as a married couple?
I don’t know GARSH ….could it be for the same reasons that a heterosexual couple gets married? Because they are in love an committed to one another, that they want to settle down and make a future together?
WHAT A CRAZY THOUGHT
I have heard people bang on with the most ridiculous arguments about why Gay marriage shouldn‘t be legalised.
“If everyone was gay then humans would die out”…is one of my favourite arguments… UH I don’t even know where to start…For one: EVERYBODY is not going to become gay…but lets just say they were…they could still procreate the same way that gay couples procreate now…the technology is far older than your iphone…maybe use it to look it up…but gay couples have been having kids for years.

Migrants:
Last year I did placement working with refugees and migrants.
On one occasion we hosted a ‘refugee tent’ at a Multicultural festival. The tent was set up like an actual tent in a refugee camp to show people in the community how basic refugee standard of living can be. There were loads of information sheets and photos of real refugee camps and we gave people tours around in an attempt to give everyone a bit of insight as to the kinds of problems that refugees are facing. After doing the spiel for about the 56^th time that day, talking about disease, maltreatment, and all the other troubles that they may go through, even after leaving their home… a lady approached me and said this:
“But isn‘t it true that refugees just come here to get on Centrelink?”
(Please note that this was a MULTICULTURAL DAY)
I tried to explain to her that most people don’t risk their lives in a boat to get to a country where they are likely to be imprisoned for years at a time…you know just on the off chance that they may eventually get on benefits. That in fact most of them do want to work and they are fleeing their country because they are genuinely afraid for their own welfare….
After my rant she just sort of went “mmm” and walked out of the tent
I wanted to punch her in the head but it may have jeopardised my placement somewhat.

I see people joining ridiculous discriminatory Facebook groups everyday and I see how rampant intolerance is in our society and I am left with little wonder over why political parties choose to target minority groups for a quick vote.

I am not a lesbian…though I have had the odd lady fling (who hasn‘t?). I don’t plan to marry a woman but I think it should be allowed on the off chance that Michelle Williams ever switches teams and gives me a call… though I am really holding out for Zach Braff at the moment, I would like to know the option is there….
I have gay friends and I feel like they have the right to get married and have that marriage recognised as much as my straight pals do.
If you’re worried about people making a mockery of the institution of marriage… just Youtube wedding videos and see that its been done… people getting married while sky diving… dogs dressed as flower girls… Marriage is already a joke and frankly it looks like a lot of fun, so let gays in on the joke.

I am not a refugee either and I consider myself to be blessed to grow up in a country where I am allowed to speak my mind and not be jailed or killed for disagreeing with my Government. Sadly some people are not born into such privilege.
The only reason I am living in this country is that my Grandparents on both sides were Immigrants… and unless you are of Indigenous Australian decent…then somebody in your family was in Immigrant at some point too…maybe just something to consider next time you join a racist Facebook group.
I don’t expect to change the world of anything…but maybe if a few people took a stance for things that matter, then our political parties would start designing policies that cater to real change and not have to play on our fears.

Fort making Monday

I’ve been looking for a way to express my thoughts and work and have found that twitter does not do it for me (seriously what can you say in 140 characters?!) and I am going to alienate all my face book buds if I keep forcing them to read through all my posts about how I saw a guy with good eyebrows (oh they were good)or how much I love British tv…so I have decided to make a page just especially for those who are curious to know what is going on in my life/my brain…not that I am that special or anything but I do make some pretty fun art and I’ve been told that I am a bit ‘unusual’ so you know I am just going to run with it.
FORT MAKING MONDAY
My first Blog post is about ‘Fort making Monday’ an event that my sister and I came up with.
It came about when she realised that her Uni break was nearing and she was going to have some spare time and when we realised that we were both perpetually about 5 years old.
I seriously wanted to make a fort last week after she had planted the idea in my head but then she told me that she had ONE LAST ASSIGNMENT to do. I was fucking pissed. I wanted to hang out in a fort, drink hot chocolate and talk about boys while having a ‘No boys allowed’ sign on the front of a amazing fort. But nooooooooo she had work to do.
…So to try and lure her in, I started to come up with as many fort puns as I could “Hey Viv, it‘s unFORTunate that we cant make a fort tonight. Maybe next FORTnight”…anything with the prefix fort, I tried to make it work…I also tried to spin a pun out of a few other words where it didn’t really fit… “Have you seen the weather FORTcast? Its going to be rainy outside, better stay in and build a fort with your sister”…yeah I didn’t say that but it would have been cool.
I then laughed at myself and posted a facebook status about it and found out that I had a few likeminded pals who chimed in and I repeated things to her about how it wouldn’t take too much efFORT…(Thanks Dean)
I get pissed that she wont help me and would rather ‘work’ so I go to my brothers old room and attempt to make a fort on my own. I sit a mattress next to the wall and drape a blanket off the side of it and over to his bed. The mattress falls over. I am tired “I started it! Come have a look!” I yell.
She has a look and laughs.
Yeah fuck this, I am taking a nap.
Eventually we set the plans for ‘FORT MAKING MONDAY’, an afternoon dedicated specifically to making a fort.
I start getting messages from her on Sunday night enquiring about when I will be home the following day.
I am on my way home from work and receive another message “are you almost home? just wondering, there's no reason for it”.
When I get to the house, the front door is shut and I am carrying a bunch of stuff and trying to play with the dog at the same time. I ring the doorbell because I know she is around and I am not bothered to find my keys. She opens the door, she is standing there in her Long-Johns and yells “You‘ve ruined the element of surprise!”
Ah what?
"Alriight” she says “wait here for approximately 30 seconds before you come in”
Ok
I am reading a letter anyway and by this time, my excitement level for building a fort was much lower than it had been a few days ago.
I go to my room and she has left me a note “Can you guess what is missing? Let me enLIGHTen you”… Yeah…she stole my lamp.
Then this is what I find:

(The Gareth Keenan investigates sign made me laugh most)
....So basically fort making Monday consisted of me making a lot of puns but not making a fort at all because she had built the entire palace. We then watched Secret life of us which had way more nipples and butterfly clips than we had first thought which made for a new game of “spot the Nip/clip”… and boy did we ever. THE END