There are many reasons why I enjoy being single…for one I like to sleep next to my computer and my sketch pads with a familiar movie playing and I keep weird hours and apparently make chipmonk noises in my sleep so sharing a bed with anyone and being comfortable and two very conflicting factors…Its always awkward…also when I share a bed with somebody I like, I often stay awake worrying that I will fart in my sleep.
I do honestly enjoy my own company and easily feel crowded and short-tempered when I spend too much time with anyone…in saying that I have been madly in love before and it can be awesome.
I would put ‘having sex with whoever I want’ in this category but that’s not something I actually do…
Cons of being single include: my Opa constantly asking me why I am not married while questioning my life-plan …oh and Valentines day…oh and DATING…Its something I try not to do because it stresses me out even more than the thought of growing old with a body pillow with Zach Braffs face painted on it.
Why does dating scare me you ask? Well friend, let me tell you.
So pretty much the worst date I ever had was when I was hanging out at this guys place and we were watching a movie that included a sequence where this couple were role-playing a rape and the guy I am with turns to me and says “So do you have an unfulfilled desire for Fantasy rape?”…Um…really?… “No I don’t”…he then follows this with an “Oh- why not?”…. as if I am the one being completely out of line…
I continue to focus on the movie then casually looking around at his room that has all kinds of weird masks and completely disturbing pictures, I then wonder how I didn’t realise this guy was a fucking freak before… and I kind of resign myself to the idea that I am probably going to die… but its cool guys, I escaped the rape dungeon.
It is fair to say that I am a Freak magnet and a times a little naïve. I like to believe that people have redeeming qualities… like whatever, he’s a psychopath but he kind of looks like Jude Law… in dim lighting…while squinting.
I often end up on ‘dates’ that I didn’t actually realise were dates.
One of those times I was out with this guy on what he thought was a date and what I thought was just a trip to see a Jim Carey Movie… this was before my weird Jim Carey sex dreams… but seriously when you hear about the guys I date.- is it really that odd that I fantasise about Jim Carey…?
Anyway so I am on this date, before the movie starts he is doing that thing you do when you like somebody where you make up dumb reasons to touch them “Oh your hands are so small”… “What are your earrings meant to be”… “got your wallet- try to get it back”
…really? I hate you…keep my wallet… I will give you all the money I have if it means you will stop touching my hands and my earrings…
Anyway I fall asleep in the movie…afterward he asks if I want to go for coffee and I am all “I don’t drink coffee [HAHA but really -take.me.home!]” … He drives me home…on the ride home, I fall asleep for the SECOND TIME because I am so bored hearing about him dumb corporate job. We arrive at my place and he leans in for a hug which I am reluctant to go into and then he sort of holds the hug for way longer than is necessary for me …and then does that whole ‘our cheeks are touching now’ and I quickly pull away and am all “Goodnight”. I do not invite him in, do not comment on how much fun I had (because I didn’t) . I don’t apologise for falling asleep (I‘m not sorry, that was the best part of my night) and I do not even end with anything even vaguely suggesting that I EVER want to see him again… I figured I could POSSIBLY expect a text about how cold I am or perhaps he would just think I was such a bitch that he would leave me alone…no, he does not. Instead I get a message saying that it was lovely to see me and that its so cute that I fell asleep …twice …and that we should do it again. (Dear God.)
I once met potentially the only straight guy in a gay club who asked me out to a lunch and a movie for the next day and when I was hungover and didn’t answer my phone, he called me from several different numbers then sent a text saying that if I am not interested that I needed to tell him and he’d leave me alone. I did just that and he didn’t. He demanded to know why I wasn’t interested and why I would give him my number if I didn’t want to go out with him. I said that he was coming on too strong and I am not into it…he then tried to call me from a few other numbers….How did he have so many numbers?…professional freak
Another time I knowingly went on a kind-of-date with this guy, we were meeting up and just going to make a day of it…We walked past this place and I told him that this exhibition was on that I was keen on seeing and he’s like “Oh man I am really poor you know…student” ..I look at the cover charge …its $10.…Is he kidding me? I am modern lady right… I do not expect him to pay for my dinner or open the car door for me…but if you are going to ask a gal out, you could maybe have a few bucks on you… I wanted to go anyway so I said I’d pay for both of us and I did.
He was completely uninterested in anything and spent half the time on the phone IN A MUSEUM being totally obnoxious and talking loudly to his mate about how ‘this girl’ dragged him to an exhibition. Why? I ended up leaving before I saw half of what I wanted to see and thinking, man there must be something good about this guy and fair enough he wasn’t interested in the exhibition, I was the one that suggested it. I think, maybe I should make some kind of attempt to get to know him. Somehow we get into a conversation where he tells me his exgirlfriend a slut which somehow leads to him continuously trying to hold my hand and stop in the middle of the park several times where we were walking through and then face me as if we are about to kiss, despite me moving my head to the side EACH TIME.
He later did call me a bitch…and I suspect he told the next girl that he tried to date that I was a slut.
I have also been on bad dates with guys that I have somehow ended up with for a while after… bumping my head really hard on the wall from laughing too much after ordering the LEAST sexy dish in the world…spaghetti…and getting it all over my clothes and face…how could he NOT want to be with me?
On the other side of the spectrum are the dates where I was the weird one but just didn’t realise it… like a guy asking me if I wanted to stay at his place to save me a ride home oh yeah I bet you want to ‘save me a ride home’…I think to myself, assuming that we are going home to fuck… only to find out that he is a complete gentleman…at the one time you do not want a man to be… and that he sets me up in his room while he sleeps in the guest room… and I am left sexually frustrated and unable to sleep…not even weird Jim Carey Dreams can console me now…
I once also lent in for a kiss with a guy who’s response was not even to give me the cheek but to actually say “No thankyou”…very politely too…like I just offered him a chip…I cant believe I just admitted that but its out there now…oh my how the tables have turned…I am totally “Got your wallet” guy now.
I cant even remember this dudes name but he has permanently scarred my self confidence.
Basically I think dates are awkward and ‘outdated’…see what I did there? I think its best to be drunk for the entire first month of dating a person…even if you don’t like them all that much you might not really notice and you will do a whole bunch of things that you wouldn’t sober which might make for an exciting story to tell your future baby who is a product of the unprotected sex you had after a few Vodka Redbulls…See Opa I have a plan!
I do honestly enjoy my own company and easily feel crowded and short-tempered when I spend too much time with anyone…in saying that I have been madly in love before and it can be awesome.
I would put ‘having sex with whoever I want’ in this category but that’s not something I actually do…
Cons of being single include: my Opa constantly asking me why I am not married while questioning my life-plan …oh and Valentines day…oh and DATING…Its something I try not to do because it stresses me out even more than the thought of growing old with a body pillow with Zach Braffs face painted on it.
Why does dating scare me you ask? Well friend, let me tell you.
So pretty much the worst date I ever had was when I was hanging out at this guys place and we were watching a movie that included a sequence where this couple were role-playing a rape and the guy I am with turns to me and says “So do you have an unfulfilled desire for Fantasy rape?”…Um…really?… “No I don’t”…he then follows this with an “Oh- why not?”…. as if I am the one being completely out of line…
I continue to focus on the movie then casually looking around at his room that has all kinds of weird masks and completely disturbing pictures, I then wonder how I didn’t realise this guy was a fucking freak before… and I kind of resign myself to the idea that I am probably going to die… but its cool guys, I escaped the rape dungeon.
It is fair to say that I am a Freak magnet and a times a little naïve. I like to believe that people have redeeming qualities… like whatever, he’s a psychopath but he kind of looks like Jude Law… in dim lighting…while squinting.
I often end up on ‘dates’ that I didn’t actually realise were dates.
One of those times I was out with this guy on what he thought was a date and what I thought was just a trip to see a Jim Carey Movie… this was before my weird Jim Carey sex dreams… but seriously when you hear about the guys I date.- is it really that odd that I fantasise about Jim Carey…?
Anyway so I am on this date, before the movie starts he is doing that thing you do when you like somebody where you make up dumb reasons to touch them “Oh your hands are so small”… “What are your earrings meant to be”… “got your wallet- try to get it back”
…really? I hate you…keep my wallet… I will give you all the money I have if it means you will stop touching my hands and my earrings…
Anyway I fall asleep in the movie…afterward he asks if I want to go for coffee and I am all “I don’t drink coffee [HAHA but really -take.me.home!]” … He drives me home…on the ride home, I fall asleep for the SECOND TIME because I am so bored hearing about him dumb corporate job. We arrive at my place and he leans in for a hug which I am reluctant to go into and then he sort of holds the hug for way longer than is necessary for me …and then does that whole ‘our cheeks are touching now’ and I quickly pull away and am all “Goodnight”. I do not invite him in, do not comment on how much fun I had (because I didn’t) . I don’t apologise for falling asleep (I‘m not sorry, that was the best part of my night) and I do not even end with anything even vaguely suggesting that I EVER want to see him again… I figured I could POSSIBLY expect a text about how cold I am or perhaps he would just think I was such a bitch that he would leave me alone…no, he does not. Instead I get a message saying that it was lovely to see me and that its so cute that I fell asleep …twice …and that we should do it again. (Dear God.)
I once met potentially the only straight guy in a gay club who asked me out to a lunch and a movie for the next day and when I was hungover and didn’t answer my phone, he called me from several different numbers then sent a text saying that if I am not interested that I needed to tell him and he’d leave me alone. I did just that and he didn’t. He demanded to know why I wasn’t interested and why I would give him my number if I didn’t want to go out with him. I said that he was coming on too strong and I am not into it…he then tried to call me from a few other numbers….How did he have so many numbers?…professional freak
Another time I knowingly went on a kind-of-date with this guy, we were meeting up and just going to make a day of it…We walked past this place and I told him that this exhibition was on that I was keen on seeing and he’s like “Oh man I am really poor you know…student” ..I look at the cover charge …its $10.…Is he kidding me? I am modern lady right… I do not expect him to pay for my dinner or open the car door for me…but if you are going to ask a gal out, you could maybe have a few bucks on you… I wanted to go anyway so I said I’d pay for both of us and I did.
He was completely uninterested in anything and spent half the time on the phone IN A MUSEUM being totally obnoxious and talking loudly to his mate about how ‘this girl’ dragged him to an exhibition. Why? I ended up leaving before I saw half of what I wanted to see and thinking, man there must be something good about this guy and fair enough he wasn’t interested in the exhibition, I was the one that suggested it. I think, maybe I should make some kind of attempt to get to know him. Somehow we get into a conversation where he tells me his exgirlfriend a slut which somehow leads to him continuously trying to hold my hand and stop in the middle of the park several times where we were walking through and then face me as if we are about to kiss, despite me moving my head to the side EACH TIME.
He later did call me a bitch…and I suspect he told the next girl that he tried to date that I was a slut.
I have also been on bad dates with guys that I have somehow ended up with for a while after… bumping my head really hard on the wall from laughing too much after ordering the LEAST sexy dish in the world…spaghetti…and getting it all over my clothes and face…how could he NOT want to be with me?
On the other side of the spectrum are the dates where I was the weird one but just didn’t realise it… like a guy asking me if I wanted to stay at his place to save me a ride home oh yeah I bet you want to ‘save me a ride home’…I think to myself, assuming that we are going home to fuck… only to find out that he is a complete gentleman…at the one time you do not want a man to be… and that he sets me up in his room while he sleeps in the guest room… and I am left sexually frustrated and unable to sleep…not even weird Jim Carey Dreams can console me now…
I once also lent in for a kiss with a guy who’s response was not even to give me the cheek but to actually say “No thankyou”…very politely too…like I just offered him a chip…I cant believe I just admitted that but its out there now…oh my how the tables have turned…I am totally “Got your wallet” guy now.
I cant even remember this dudes name but he has permanently scarred my self confidence.
Basically I think dates are awkward and ‘outdated’…see what I did there? I think its best to be drunk for the entire first month of dating a person…even if you don’t like them all that much you might not really notice and you will do a whole bunch of things that you wouldn’t sober which might make for an exciting story to tell your future baby who is a product of the unprotected sex you had after a few Vodka Redbulls…See Opa I have a plan!
