I am surprised you managed to look at anything long enough to review it, given that your head lives permanently inside your own anus

Fuck.

I hate elitist wankers who try to tear people down

I look at comments on some peoples videos or writing and can't believe how vicious and moronic others can be to say these things to somebody who pours their sole into making something they are proud of.

I just want to hug the people that made it and be like “Congratulations for creating something”

Congratulations for putting yourself out there and not being the person on the other side of the screen who never does anything but still thinks it's O.K to talk down to somebody that does.
 

I look at these adds uni-kid blogs created by some person that has done a semester of a writing course and gets off on writing patronising shit in their advertisement about the quality they expect of stories and that they will not even look at applicants that haven't 'something something pretentious bullshit blah blah blah' ...for a website that literally has 6 followers.

Get. The. Fuck. Over. Yourself

All I want to do is write the type of stories that I want to write and not be condescended or limited by people who I don't admire or respect.

I DO NOT give a fuck if 99% of the reading population think that anything I make is trivial, superficial or self indulgent because I don't want to read or look at the shit that 99% of the human population produce.

That doesn't mean that I don't think it has value.

Everything that anybody writes has some kind of importance to the person who writes it and when you share anything with the world, you know that you are leaving yourself open to criticism and that can make you feel pretty vulnerable so it's a risk you take.

What I can't believe is how some honestly believe that have the right to say nasty, unproductive shit about something that somebody has worked hard on and not even just be critical but just cruel.

Why does every other person think they are in a position to review shit like they are god damn Margaret and David?

Unless your opinion is specifically sought out then you can just go and write that shit on your Facebook and share it with your equally narrow-minded friends and leave people to do their own thing and be proud of it

You will neverbe this adorable. NEVER

In the words of Taylor Swift 'Why you gotta be so mean'

And also in the words of the Pope “Fuck yourself”...He says that-right?


"Talk to the hand"...he says that too now

To upset any fanatic of The Beatles, list a song by The Monkeys as your 'favourite ever Beatles song'- How I deal with elitist wankers

What I am about to say is probably going to make me unpopular with 99.9% of the music loving population but when it comes to The Beatles, when it comes to their music, I can take them or leave them.

WHAT THE HELL DID SHE JUST SAY?

KILL HER

KILL HER WITH FIRE

 

Let me finish Motherfucker!

I don't hate The Beatles and I am not disrespecting what they have done for music or the fact that most of the bands that I love were probably in some way either directly or indirectly influenced by the music of The Beatles

so just chill out and put down your weapons.

I don't dislike The Beatles. If their music was playing, I would happily listen to it, I wouldn't leave the room or send complaint emails to the venue playing them like I would if it was Nickelback

True story, I unsubscribed to Ticketek emails when they sent me a newsletter about NickelBack and my life goal is to punch Chad Kroger in the throat for creating the music that he has.

That is how much I hate Nickelback

but I do not hate The Beatles.

To me, The Beatles are like the Grandpa of a Boyfriend

I can see his value

I thank him for having sex with his wife and procreating so that his son could then go on to have a son that I could bang (His grandson in this scenario is a mixtape of music that I love... so I guess his grandmother was some strumpet of a woman who could scat and his Mum was probably Missie Elliot....don't over-think it, this metaphor is going to be really poorly constructed)

I will talk to him at family gatherings and listen to him saying a bunch of stuff but I kind of float in and out between staring at my boyfriends dad and thinking that he is surprisingly hot for a fifty-something year old...

Stay with me, my boyfriends dad is Nirvana...as in the band not the 'state of being'... I'll get back to this creepy story in a second

What brought me to writing this article was when Nirvana was playing at work today and I chose to share with my workmates that I “Didn't get the hype”

I don't know why I said it.
...I just talk sometimes.


If I had taken even half a second to think about it, I would have remembered the response that this kind of comment had evoked in people when I have previously shared my opinion on that band ..like the time when I honestly had the audacity to say that I like the Foo-Fighters more. What? Blasphemy!

I do kind of love this photo though

It's cool guys, hold yourself together. Try to stay calm.

The thing is , when it comes to The Beatles, I DO get the hype, I will listen to them at a party and even enjoy it but like Grandpa, I will not actively seek them out.

I will never make lunch plans with Grandpa in my free time

I will never text him to say “How's it going? Want to share some tapas and see the new Paul Rudd film?”

But before you attack me with your keyboards and tell me that maybe I just haven't heard enough of Grandpa, maybe I am too young to get Grandpa, maybe I am an asshole who doesn't deserve ears so you are going to cut off my ears because ears were invented to listen to Grandpa/The Beatles.

Before you do that

shut up please.

I like- nay LOVE Frank Sinatra and last time I checked he was old as fuck when I was born and dead by the time I was 10...so this isn't an age thing

... considering that most people like The Beatles, people younger than me and older than me

... then age does not really seem to be a valid argument, I will not wake up in 5 years and suddenly love them because I am 30

I have heard The Beatles... how could I not?

I have never actively sought them out but they end up on various devices that I own just because somebody put them there and I don't delete them but I have never had a moment where I am like THE BEATLES ARE WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW because they are not EVER but that doesn't mean I don't feel something when I hear 'I wanna hold your hand' or that I dismiss them BUT if the choice is between listening to them or listening to The Violent Femmes, the Femmes win.
That probably leaves me vulnerable to to some condescending Wonka meme
 

SHUT UP WONKA

...and I know I am going to be word-raped by people for that choice for the rest of my life because people that love something often believe that it is their God-given right to yell at people who don't agree with them.

So to combat this, I have invented a fun game to torment the kind of elitist Beatles Fans that that like to stand over the smaller percentage of population who do not consider themselves to be fanatics

I like to call this game;

“How to make a Beatles fan angry”
The rules of “How to make a Beatles fan angry” are simple, it merely entails picking a Beatles song at random and telling the said 'Elitist Beatles Fan' that it is your “absolute favourite song by The Monkeys”

or you can flip it and pick one of The Monkeys song titles, perhaps the famous theme-song and say “Have you heard that really fun song by the Beatles? I really like it it goes 'Hey hey we're The Monkeys....'...”

Either way will piss them off fine.

"I'm fucking with you"

If you think that The Beatles songs are the greatest songs ever made, that is cool with me and probably a popular opinion but my belief is just that it is simply not true.

Great Music is made every day and in my mind, there has been and will continue to be better.

I feel that I am justified to say this because I feel the best is yet to come

I acknowledge The Beatles for what they are which was revolutionary for the time and their music continues to live on in a time where other bands have been phased out or forgotten.

It doesn't really matter what I think anyway....so sucked in to you for reading this far!

 John Lennon is not rolling in his grave because some chick from Australia who can't even play piano properly said she was 'meh' on his music...he doesn't give a fuck.

It is only my opinion and in my opinion, on closer inspection, Nirvana/my boyfriends' dad would look ridiculous naked and I like my boyfriends creepy uncle, Foo Fighters much more and I am so far off track that I can not get back

 

"Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes " Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and she grabs me by the weiner"

worst/most sluttish analogy EVER

 AND WHO THE FUCK INVITED CHAD KROGER?

 

 

Also today while exchanging weird hate-stories, I found out that somebody who eats almost everything, including food off the ground, doesn't like bacon and and another pal doesn't like Seinfeld....WHAAAAT?

 

 

Glitter excites me more than human interaction- A guide to being a hermit

Glitter excites me more than human interaction- A guide to being a hermit

So I have just had two days off.

While most young people would take that time to socialise, maybe have a drink and go to a show, here is how I spent my time:

Saturday after I signed off at my terrible cafe job, I decided I needed new work shoes...I know what you're thinking MICHAELA THIS STORY IS SO RIVETING TELL ME MORE...DID YOU FIND YOUR WORK SHOES? I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT. I NEED TO KNOW HOW IT ALL WORKED OUT FOR YOU!

Well yes, I did ….but I have a system that dictates whenever I buy one practical thing, I then need to buy AT LEAST ten things that I don't really need... so after that I went to the dollar shop and found shit-loads of beads and glitter, I don't even know why, my home is filled with shit-loads of beads and glitter but I couldn't help it, my heart was pounding I NEEDED MORE.

My excitement suddenly came to a halt as I tried to think about the last time I had been as excited about anything as I was to unwrap all this crap and play with it.

I thought for a while and I found myself back at the last time that I had gone on a glitter rampage and it suddenly became clear to me what A Nigella-No-Friends I am becoming.

As I left the shop I was left with mixed feelings of excitement and embarrassment and I felt myself pulling a similar facial expression to one I had seen a friend of mine make when I caught him watching porn on his phone in my in my living room...the only thing missing was a boner and if girl showed excitement in the way that males do, right then I had a giant lady boner for glitter.

Glitter had become my porn.

This little guty came up when I was googling pictures for 'ashamed'...I don't know what he did, but he looks like he feels pretty bad about it

It's sad but when I think about it there are so many things in this world that I like more than I like most people. I know that is a bit pathetic and incredibly anti-social to say that but it is quite true.

These shoes I made with the shit I bought for instance....



...or playing shadow puppets (That's a howling dog)...



...or the part in 'The Wedding singer' where this happens:


...and a long list of other stuff.

I remember when I had freshly turned 18 and was so excited by all the doors that opened up...well mainly venue doors.
I could get into 'Next'...(now known as Hot Damn...holy shit I feel old) and Purple sneakers without using my terrible fake-ids that never looked a thing like me

(to the point where a security guard laughed so hard that he called another security guard over to laugh with him about how stupid I was for thinking that anybody would believe that it was me)

and at that point I centred my weeks around all the shows I wanted to go to.

While I still love music (It's on that long list of things I love more than being near other people) I find myself getting really easily annoyed at shows

and then I just feel like an old Grandma party-pooper because the people I am annoyed at are just there trying to have fun
but they are breathing on me
sweating on me
yelling near me
and my feet are hurting
WAH
I want to go home and watch Parks And Recreation by myself and eat Pringles until I fall asleep.

It is not right. I am only 24 and though many of the teenagers I cross tell me that I am old... I never expected to feel this way at this age.

The worst part is I am not even sad about it. I don't long for my teen years, they were fucking exhausting.

The thing is I feel that I should be ashamed by the admissions I have made and am about to make because apart from being a tiny bit sick (I will save all my terrible that-time-of-month-jokes for my facebook page) I actually had a pretty enjoyable two days off.

I danced around my house to the Arctic Monkeys for a while then I felt a little bit weird for dancing by myself for so long

....like Robyn in that song- Dancing on my own

...and then she starts going on about how she is stalking some guy that she used to date

and it's WEIRD ROBYN

....so naturally I invited my dog inside to dance with me

...which means I held him up and told him to act like he was enjoying himself

...it was a weird lonely time for me

....probably much weirder than any song Robyn has ever written but I still wasn't ashamed.

I like Robyn, but I get the feeling that if you don't "call your girlfriend" she would probably murder you.

 

My dog after I forced him to pretend to like me:

I contemplated going out but then watched Spirited instead then decided to go onto IMDB for a really long time and research everything about the main character, Matt King. I did it with a real sense of urgency too.

I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHINGABOUT THIS BRITISH WONDER POST-HASTE!

(I hope you read that in a weird British accent because that is how I wrote it)

I also gave myself a haircut because I wanted to look like Karen O but ended up looking more like Lloyd Christmas.

Also my 'Flocabulary' arrived today. I am teaching myself how to rap so the next time I write a rant on what a saddo I am, it will rhyme.

This entry was written for www.portwhine.com
Check out their website for content from other writers

If I was a boy...or magic...SPOILER: this ends in me buying gold teeth

I spend way too much time in my life imagining alternate lives for my self. You know just out of curiosity. I wouldn't want to be somebody or something else permanently but just to try it out.

If I was a booooy

If I was a man for a day I probably wouldn't do all that much of the things that Beyonce sings about in her song “If I was a boy”.

My first step as a male would be to take a wee somewhere...anywhere because I would have a penis and I can whip it out at my leisure.

A lot of the things I would do as a guy would revolve around having a penis.

I'd shave to make it look bigger and then just send dick picks to all my lovely male friends who have found it funny over the years to send them to me and then I'd say “Sorry I was drunk”.

I would probably try to bang a girl too just to compare male and female orgasms.

I don't really know how this whole thing would work because there isn't the technology to make me a dude for just a day...

“Excuse me doctor, do you mind flipping my junk inside out then changing it back in 24 hours..I am just a bit curious”
...yeah I am pretty sure that's not how that procedure works at all
I understand things.

"Fuck off you mental bitch"

...also I wonder if I would be a hot guy or an uggo???...If I had bad acne I would grow a short beard to make people think I am a bit of a hipster while disguising my appearance at the same time.

I'd probably just take a nap after that and when I wake up I'd ask the doctor for my vagina back as I quite like it most of the time.

If I had super-powers

I used to always play this game with my house-mate where we would think up the best super-powers and pick which ones we would rather have.

He mostly found ways to trick me into picking a super-power then when I chose it, he'd tell me all these faults in the my choice

... “Oh yeah you chose the power of flight but I forgot to mention that you can only hover 2 centre-metres above the ground, travel at 1km per hour and it only works if you are wearing a skirt...so everyone is looking at your undies...also you have to eat loads of carrots for your flight mode to work...and then you shit your pants and die...great choice”

I also love Sabrina The Teenage witch. I am mocked by my pals for this but I don't give a shit. Sabrina gets to do all these cool things and Salem, her talking cat just sits around saying witty stuff and it.is.awesome.

As a child I also used to squint my eyes so people would think I was Alex Mac and some magic shit was about to go down...
The nineties was a difficult decade for a mentally challenged young person, such as myself


Sidenote: How hot is Larissa Oleynik?

If I was a magical person, the first thing I would do is allow my dog to talk. He would sound like James Earl Jones and we'd be best buds and no matter how badly I messed up, the episode would be resolved within half an hour and I'd learn a lesson from my magic teacher and everything would be great again.

I would do all the stuff that the Sabrinas' aunts tries to teach you is bad...because you only value things if you have to work for them....which is maybe sort of true but I wouldn't give a shit because I'M MAGIC, MOTHERFUCKER!

I would be pointing my finger at stuff to get it
Instead of walking for food I would zap it with my hand,which would mean I wouldn't get any exercise but that's fine because I could just zap away all excess fat and cellulite.

I would also do some spell so I could be hot all the time and never again be asked “are you sick?” on a day where I leave the house without makeup.

I would pause time just to really fuck with people.

If somebody was being mean, I'd pause time and then just punch the shit out of them for as long as it took for me not to be mad any more
...because in real life I could never ever beat anybody in a fight.

When I un-paused, I'd just be super chilled like nothing happened and say:

“Guy, are you ok? You look like you've just been punched in the face at least 38 times”

...holy hell there is so much magic stuff I would do if I was a magic person, this probably could be pages long. Imma stop

If I was a politician

I would seriously suck at it because I have no patience or attention span and a really limited amount of bullshit that I am able to ingest from politicians but like most people I have that brief moment when a government does something stupid that makes me think “I can run this country better...”

...which I couldn't
..... but I have loads of ideas
...with no possible grasp of how I could implement them.

I can't even make my pay last a fortnight right now so I think I would suck at trying to play with a whole countries budget

Also I am female so people would call me a 'slut' and comment on my hair colour no matter what I did;even if it was something sensible.

Here are some things I would do:

Legalise gay marriage...because why the hell not?

Get dental care covered by Medicare because I want my teeth whitened... where is all the money coming from? I don't know


WARNING
it goes down hill from here...

Abolish taxes
...hell abolish money and then make everything else free

...which I guess would mean a lot of people wouldn't work

so unemployment would go up and most things wouldn't be staying open if they weren't getting money and people were just taking free stuff

but we'd all just help each other out and have a party everyday so that's nice

...maybe we could all get a little crack addiction too because the nice crack makers would just be giving it out

and everyone's just having a great time because they are just doing whatever and life is great

....please nobody ever let me become a member of parliament.

If I was famous

I wouldn't be a winging cockhead that complains 24 hours a day about never having any privacy because if I was really just doing it 'for the love of the art' I wouldn't hang out in paparazzi infested areas every chance I got.

Hi guys, have you heard of a little somebody called Natalie Portman???
..she is famous as shit yet even in the height of her fame she manges not to end up in annoying magazines because instead of seeking attention then complaining about it, she just does her thing

...by the way her 'thing' is 'being freaking awesome'.

If I was famous, I'd want to be just like Kate Nash and use my fame to be involved in cool projects that mean something to me and raising awareness for important issues...rather than being an ignorant dipshit like Taylor Momsen.

"Um, right now I'm trying to just finish my record and getting through the last season of Gossip Girl for right now. So not so much thinking about that." - Taylor to OK magazine, on the devastating earthquake in Haiti

Kate Nash is way better at being famous

She is a huge advocate for womens rights
She is always volunteering her time to local and international issues

And an ambassador for a great music program in U.K schools that encourages girls to learn to play an instrument
She has a podcast which is an Agony Aunts type thing where she responds to teen girls questions that often centre around self esteem issues

...that is the kind of stuff people should do with fame

...I could go on about all the other stuff she is involved in but at this point I think I'd be the only one paying attention so  just look at how cute she is....

If I was rich

I would buy things I didn't need...I want to say I would donate it to the poor but I am just going to insert a Louis C.k quote intsead.

“My life is really evil, like There are people who are starving in the world, and I drive an Infiniti. That’s really evil. There are people who would just starve to death. That’s all they ever did. There’s people who are like born, and they go, “Oh, I’m hungry,” and then they just die. And that’s all they ever got to do. And meanwhile, I’m in my car, like having a great time and I sleep like a baby. It’s totally my fault, ‘cause I could trade my Infiniti for like a really good car, like a nice Ford Focus with no miles on it,and I’d get back like $20,000. And I could save hundreds of people from dying of starvation with that money, and every day I don’t do it. Every day I make them die with my car.’”

—

Louis C.K

Look at his little face

It is completely disturbing that there is enough money in the world for no person to have to die of hunger yet people do all the time

We low income earners [by Australias standards] whine and say how some Billionare has a fancy as hell house that could feed a 3^rd world country

...but a lot of us do buy useless superficial shit that makes us momentarily feel good about ourselves even though soon after it gets chucked aside and forgotten about and we cry poor. 

Guilty.

Why shouldn't we buy things with money that we earn?
And why shouldn't billionares?

People look to them like they have a social responsibility to save the world but how often do the rest of us buy an unnecessary fancy dinner which priced, could feed a starving child for a month?

It doesn't mean we don't sponsor our buddy for Movember or donate to a fund-raiser when we can but it does mean that we are all a little bit selfish and probably just thought that salmon in a restaurant sounded a whole lot better than the last pack of Migoreng in the cupboard that expired 2 years ago...

Did I just get a bit deep?

Look guys, if I am being honest, if I was a billionare, I would like to believe I cared enough about the world to donate a good chunk of my money to trying to save the world but I'd also probably buy a motherfucking yacht and some gold teeth...just because

If I was a Kardashian:

I would punch myself in the face

"We decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She's 18. And I was like, that's how I feel."- Kim Kardashian

Really? Comparing CANCER to your annoying wedding?

'Nice guys' may finish last but good dudes don't.

 

Chances are if you are the kind of guy that refers to yourself as 'A nice guy', you are probably also a bit of a douche-bag.

A shitty person is capable of being 'nice' but if that sweetness is only a pleasantry to get a girl into bed then it really isn't that 'nice' at all.

"These nice flowers are for you...on the condition that we get to bang later"

I have a lot of guy friends who I love as friends but who I've spoken to about girls and seen in relationships and they are the fucking worst at it.

These guys will do all the sweet things it takes to get somebody to like them but then as soon as they have them, they treat them terribly. As soon as they have them they stop doing all the nice things it took to get them.

They revert back to being single guys, despite the fact that they no longer are.

These dudes are the same ones that will say something like “I'm sick of being the nice guy it gets me no where”....

right after saying something else like “That chick didn't say hi to me. What a slut”

… yeah man, you sound like a really kind-hearted person,I can't believe she didn't want to hang out with you, what gal doesn't want to be with a guy that refers to women as 'sluts'?

What a mental bitch

you really are a catch.

Honestly if you see a hot girl and just want to bang her because she is hot and are straight up honest about it,you are probably a nicer dude than the guy that courts her for weeks,buying her flowers then inevitably screws her over later when he finds out that she is boring as shit.

I will gladly comfort my pals that get ditched by guys or girls that they did everything right by and tell them cliché but truthful words ' You just weren't right for each other, you'll meet somebody new'.

I have stayed up many late nights over the years listening to my heartbroken friends and felt for them because they are 'The good guys'

... but I have also listened to many of stories by people who I love just as much where I've been like:

“Yeah you were a bit shit at being that persons boyfriend/girlfriend”.

If you are a person that is into grand gestures and are happy to be doing them for the rest of your life, then by all means start a relationship that way but if you are just doing something to get the girl to like you and not to make her happy, don't expect somebody to fall in love with you that way and certainly do not refer to yourself as “A good guy”

...think about this grand gesture when you are about to pay heaps of money to have somebody write Lucy's name in the sky and think:
'would I still be doing this if there was absolutely no possible way that this girl will ever touch my dick?'

if the answer is yes then go for it, if it is all about making that person happy, do it

….and even if it is just about wanting her to touch your dick, do it but don't ever complain about being 'the good guy' again, because you are not.

Come' on courtesy! Learn how to treat to people nicely [Ya wanker!]

Common courtesy seems to be not-so-common. Did you like my little play on words with the title?

It's rude not to even give me a pity laugh.

This topic is likely to overlap with other blog entries that I've written because I truly believe that manners matter.

I am a drinker, farter, and a common user of the 'f' word

... but like any [semi-]balanced human, I can get a rough gage on what kind of behaviour may offend others and know when to let my freak flag fly

...and when to pack it up, behave and present myself as a well behaved adult.

I drink and swear and have gross conversations with my like-minded pals but I wouldn't just rock up drunk and swearing at a strangers dinner party...as funny as I would find that on a sitcom, it is something that I register in my head as not being 'O.K' in the adult-world.

 

Inappropriate!
(also how much does that one girl look like Regina George?Inappropriate moves by the Mean Girls rejects )

Working in hospitality and keeping a constant smile on your face can be draining when many of the people that you serve each day are total spoilt wankers but for the most part I do it and the worst I have ever said to a customer is :

“Don't speak to me like that” …

This was after he lost his shit at me and told me to 'Wake up to myself' because I'd brought him out a drink that wasn't in the cup he ordered
...even though I had just started shift, didn't take his order at the register or make the drink
...I just brought it out to him and was greeted with that.

The old guy is now a regular ...my co-workers and I call him by his first words to me “Wake up to yourself” and he has never spoken to me like that again.

"May I offer you a side of''don't be an asshole' nuggests?"

A pal of mine says something that I think are good words to live by “I try to treat people the way that I hope people will treat my daughter”

...I don't have a daughter but I think when you love someone so much and picture them being yelled at, it would make you mad.

Yelling dickheads

You know those people who when they are mad, they don't just need you to know about it, they need EVERYONE to know.

These are the kind of saddos that get off on shouting at some teenage checkout chick at Woollies because she made a mistake with their order and accidentally forgot to give them a 0.00005% discount on their cat food

...then after that, they tell everybody on Facebook how they made the 14 year old behind the counter cry because it wasn't enough that everybody in the supermarket heard

...then they just go home to their cat (who hates them because felines can sense a unjustifiably self-righteous wanker)

I have never been a yeller. I don't see the point of damaging my voice box over somebody that I'm pissed off at... I will speak my mind but for the most part I try to be constructive and resolve a problem if it's fixable
...and if its not fixable?
...well maybe then I will sulk or eat chocolate

...but still not yell.

Screamers are the worst.
What does all that loud noise achieve?
Speak at an appropriate volume and explain what you're annoyed about.

Don't carry on like a a 3 year old, slamming and screaming. It makes everybody think you're a dick.

Even if you get your way, it's only because people are terrified of you
... or they are doing what you want so that you will leave and they can bitch about you when you go.

Wow what an accomplishment for you. You are now the screaming wanker that everybody hates. Cool life man.

loud noises

Unreliable dickheads

Predictability is boring but reliability is comforting.

I am madly in love with spontaneity and people who can constantly surprise you but I don't think that the ability to shock is a trait that is exclusive only to those who never turn up on time.

In fact I firmly believe that some of the most reliable people can also be the most surprising
...just because a guy say he'll pick you up at noon and ACTUALLY shows up right on lunchtime doesn't mean that he won't take you somewhere that will surprise you...
...and the great thing about reliable people is that they don't just remember to show up on time
they also remember stuff that's important to you so surprises are usually things that are relevant or significant to you

and not just like:

“Hey I got you flowers because girls like flowers...”

but more like:

“Hey I have super glue and a 50cent coin and we are going to glue it to the pathway at the park and watch people try to pick it up...because YOU like that...I distinctly remember you telling me that you like doing that”
Who doesn't like doing that?

"Oh darling, I've never been happier. Just look at those idiots trying to pick up that coin"

Unappreciative Dickheads
We all know those people who never get off their phone.
They are always texting or online, regardless of real-life company
but magically when you need them, you won't hear back from them for days or until they require something from you.

When you do hear back you will get a very insincere “Oh sorry I forgot”...Some don't even bother to try to string together an excuse and others will give you one that it so pathetic that you can actually feel your intelligence being insulted
...so much so that it physically hurts you and you want to physically hurt them back with a kick to the ear.
Yes people totally do read texts or miss calls and genuinely forget to respond.
I do it all the time but if you care about somebody then you apologise profusely and be a pal....or you at least come up with a good lie...I'm only half joking.

I mean honestly, answer my fucking stupid hypothetical questions or come up with a damn good reason why you didn't answer:


'Would you rather be blind for the rest of your life or have to have sex with Tony Abbott twice a day, for 20 years?'

.. .It's so hard to sleep when I don't know these things!
This:

Vs making pasty white love to that guy for 20 years?

.....(These are situations that may be very real one day and you need to be prepared)

 

In all honesty I think that feeling valued is important and it isn't even that hard to make a person feel like they are appreciated.
Sometimes it's as much as putting your phone away when you're with company that can say to a person:
 'Yes I am here in this room with you right now and I'm listening to what you're saying rather than looking for a better offer'.

... I don't think gratitude should just be reserved for big gestures by good friends but also in the random acts of kindness from near strangers.

Just saying “Thankyou” when somebody does something nice that they didn't have to do for you ...or even when they are just doing there job. If a bus driver takes you home, it's not hard to take your headphones out long enough say “Thanks, have a good day”.

If they stop to wait for you when they see you running behind the bus HELL even chuck in a
“That was so nice of you, you've just saved me waiting an hour for the next one”
... so often I see people being so stingy with their words... as if saying a quick “Thanks” requires too much effort yet its the small sweet things that people say and do that can change the whole mood of your day.

So many dickheads that non-dickheads are mistaken for being D.T.F
To me courtesy isn't just your pleases and thankyous but it's all aspects of being aware of your surroundings and how your actions can affect people.

I've spoken about most of what annoys me about people in public before in a project I used to write with a pal of mine there's not much I more I can say that I haven't already said here:

http://meyouandourlives.tumblr.com/#/13677812999

I don't exactly go around trying to engage in conversation with every person I meet, mostly at the end of the day I want to listen to music and spend the ride home not talking to anybody...once my shift is over I am all:

“HELL YEAH. NOT BEING PAID TO BE NICE TO ANYBODY. IF SOMEBODY UPSETS ME NOW I CAN TELL THEM TO GO 'FUCK A GOAT' AND NOBODY CAN FIRE ME”

...though I never have told a stranger to 'fuck a goat'
...I like having that option there.

Though even in the shittiest of moods, I still find it in me to smile at people that smile at me
...however it seems that smiling is so rare these days that some people will just take it as a go-ahead to tune you, no matter how much you insist that you're busy
...you smiled so you must want to bang
... so I keep my eye contact brief with strangers that exhibit the creep vibe.

I think its a sad day when smiles are so few and far between that people start believing that a polite facial expression is only set-aside for people who's genitals you want to touch.