As some of you may know, I just turned
24. This means I have ONE more year left of being closer to Twenty
than Thirty.
In so many ways I am perpetually 12
years old.
The great decline:
I feel like in the years since my teens
I have actually regressed.
When I was 19, I lived out of my
parents house, I paid rent and bills, paid for my own groceries. I
now live back with Mum and Dad and do none of that.
My younger brother is looking at houses
to buy. Do you want to know what the most expensive thing I own is?
It's my laptop... and it has had more breaks downs than Britney Spears.
Some things never change:
Paul Rudd looks the same now as he did 20 years ago...
I kind of expected that adulthood would just hit you know? Like one day you wake up and you're a proper person who owns tupperware and cuttlery and who doesn't eat eggs out of the pan.
I don't drive, often my TEENAGE sister
picks me up and drives me places. Most Sundays I am too hungover
to even practice driving.
I spend my money on weird shit that I
don't need then forever complain that I am never going to get to
Europe.
People that have it together:
I know that most
people don't 'have it together' but I envy people that can at least
give off the impression that they are a fully formed person.
“Oh look at me, I study and work and DON'T stay at home watching Will and Grace and talking in weird voices to my dog”
...Did I say envy? I meant I hate you, I hate you.
Seriously? How do
you afford mortgage payments and not spend all your money on ebay
buying shoes and bidding on Dawson Leerys' licence? HOW IS THAT EVEN
POSSIBLE?
Feeling judged:
I do most of my
shopping at Woolies because they have self service, so I don't get
judged by smug checkout chicks for all my impulse purchases that
paint the picture of a slightly retarded person.
Honest to god this
is what my shopping cart looks like
-Spiderman
toothbrush
-Pack of 12 Bega
Stringers[to be consumed within the next 12 hours]
-Hair dye[to cover
up whatever monstrosity I have already created on my head on any
given week]
-Shower foam [to
make foam clothes in the shower and basically just have a great time]
-A bottle of V [to
induce heart attack]
-Stockings(mine
get a hole in them every time I drink and think its a good idea to
try to climb a wall)
-Shoe insoles (I
honestly must own every kind, I am convinced one day I will
comfortably walk in beautiful heels)
-Vitamins[in a
lame attempt to counteract the effects of all the other poison I
ingest]
I honestly think I
must have a receipt somewhere that looks EXACTLY like this
My Friends:
I have a broad mix
of pals, older, younger, some that have a very clear path lined up in
life and others that admit to being as lost as me. We like to get
together and claim “I'm so poor” while we eat expensive meals and
buy new dresses. Its awesome.
Some of my pals are getting married and having babies and buying houses..which are three things that just quietly SCARE.THE.SHIT.OUT.OF.ME.
I mean those things are huge right? I can't even commit to a hair colour... imagine if I had a baby... nah nurse, take it back, it's too white, I'm in a real Zoe Deschanel jet black phase, I think black would suit me better...do you have little black baby I could have instead?
NO MICHAELA YOU CAN'T SWAP YOUR FUCKING CHILD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?...
"Can i get one in dimonte to match my phone?"
I suppose if I just walked around saying ridiculous things like that, the court would declare me an unfit mother/human and the problem would sort it self out....ok I'm going to stop now, the mere fact that I am making jokes like this proves that I am a very incapable of being an adult.
