Ways to feel like less of an ass-face without even leaving your computer screen

Ways to feel like less of an ass-face without even leaving your computer screen

Ever felt like you are a bit of an ass-face? Said or done something that was just a little bit stupid? Are you searching for somebody to make fun of to make your own life feel a bit less empty and sad? Look no further! I've got you covered....
With Michaela's-list-of-people-who-are-definitely-way-sadder-than-you-and -if-they-are-not-then-maybe-you-should-sort-your-shit-out
... it's a long title


People who post at the bottom of any current affair article
When I want to feel better about myself, I just read the comments posted on pretty much any type of current affair article and watch ass-holes trying to blame every single thing that has ever gone wrong on their Government...
First these geniuses talk about how they could do a better job of running their country than their President/ Prime-minister...which would be ok if they weren't the most ill-...informed individuals and mostly spouting made-up statistics mixed with racist or sexist or digs at their Parliamentary leader...or sometimes just picking on a physical trait...oh wow, you are so smart, Julia Gilard is a 'stupid ranga'....yes her hair colour must really come into play when she's coming up with that carbon tax...A brunette never would have gone for such a thing! 'What an absolute whore she is!'
...
Maybe instead of focusing on the gender, race or hair colour of the politician, take a look at what the party is doing and what is wrong with their policy.
If your only issue is: “TAXES! FUCKING TAXES”
...Do you have any concept on how a country is actually run? Have you ever had to see a doctor? Driven on a road? Done a little wee on a side-walk?
Where do you think the money for all of this comes from?
It is perfectly ok to be unhappy with your Government, I am hardly Labours biggest fan right now but maybe educate yourself and go running your mouth off. What a bunch of wankers

Read comments at the bottom of any youtube video

The people who comment on youtube clips are about 90% dickhead...I don't mean that 90% of people that comment on these clips are dickheads...I mean that every single person that comments on a youtube clip is made up of 90% dickhead.

Seriously, have you ever read youtube comments? They are so stupid that it hurts. Mostly its people just quoting the video that you just watched... what dude? We all just watched it, why are you quoting it? Oh Will Ferel said “miiilk was a bad choice”... I know that he says that... Do you know how I know? Because I just watched the clip and shit my pants laughing even though I've seen it 861 times but it's as funny now as it was when I watched it the first time...STILL you don't need to say it..the actual name of the video is “Milk was a bad choice”... Its a 12 second video with very little dialogue... In fact the only words in it are mentioned in the title...you don't have to say anything. You are the worst.

The other kinds of people that like to comment on youtube videos are straight up argumentative ass-faces (technical name)...these ass-faces come in all shapes but these are my faves

The I-know-more-than-you ass-face

As the name may suggest, this guy/gal likes to prove that they know more than you about everything. If you are watching a band video, they knew them first, they knew them before they were famous, they touched the singers penis and know his favourite colour... If you are watching a comedy, they think you are such an ass-hole because you never watched the comedian do stand up before they got their big break...like get off the bandwagon you pretender, who are you? How have you not seen every single comedians stand up ever? And I bet you only know who the Moldy Peaches are because you heard them on Juno....

Yeah that is actually how some people talk... Does it really matter if somebody only heard a song yesterday? Are they not allowed to like the song? Is there only a certain amount of 'like' allowed for a song and if they suddenly like it are they stealing your 'like'...is there not enough 'like' to go round?

The What-you-like-is-shit ass-face

You're not even sure why this character is here. They kind of turn up on this really awesome Hanson video just to say they don't like Hanson. First off, What the fuck dude? Why do you not like Hanson? Do you have working ears and a heart?...

Anyway they just say a bunch of stuff about how the thing that you like is actually shit...but why? Why are they looking at this video in the first place? Do something else. You're very weird

I have no interest in Twighlight..so I don't watch Twighlight videos...why don't you go do something that you do like?

The if-you-don't-agree-with-me-I'm-going-to-make-homophobic-comments assface

This dude just calls everyone 'faggot' and tells them to eat a dick because they are obviously gay... and that's what homosexuals do. How clever. What a very clever ass-face

Have you heard of a little website called “Guys with iphones”...??

This site contains a lot of penis...I'm not going to lie to you it's like 99% wang...as in its mostly naked dudes and at the bottom of the page it says “Powered by a love for hot men who appreciate the finer gadgets in life.” and then there are heaps of advertisements for porn on the site...

I blame my pal, Elise for this mishap because when we were trying to look up pictures of severely obese people (hint:another way to feel good about yourself) she so kindly suggested that I take my google search off 'moderately safe mode' and now when I look up anything in google images, all I get are boobs and dicks...boobs and dicks...Google search: Betty White and I bet even a few boobs and dicks pop up

Anyway, I wouldn't recommend going on there...I was honest to god trying to look up pictures of douchey guys with stupid topless facebook photos of them being vain and so ya'll could laugh at them too...but I was subjected to something 'vein' in an altogether different way...penises...I'm talking about penises.... and a lot of them ...but because I care about my audience, I persevered and have brought you a [G rated] collection of douchey guys and girls who will make you feel much better about yourself

"I'm taking this photo of myself and I'm really surprised"


"I only like to open my eyes half way because I think it makes me look like Ryan Gosling"...It doesn't

"Just two bro's, taking photos in front of the mirror...like bro's do"



"I can do this with my arm and hold my phone with the other arm but I still haven't worked out the timer feature on my camera"


I don't even....
The ones of girls were not as funny so I am just posting a bunch of duckfaces described as "specquackular" by http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/50-specquackular-duckfaces

Please appreciate the amount of dick-picks I scrolled through to find these gems....And speaking of Dicks....

How can you not feel better about yourself when you see that guy?

What an ass-faced dick

Home remedies for a brain that behaves like an asshole...And pictures of Paris Hilton

Every brain is so different and I spend a lot of time trying to understand other peoples minds and motives. There is an endless list of things that I fail to understand about the human mind and since I'm hopped up on caffine, I'm going to write about 6 things that don't make sense to me... until I get sleepy or distracted.

I think even the most confident people are going to have periods of self doubt. I blame self esteem for most misunderstandings. If people knew how to express themselves properly maybe there would be less jerks around.

Insecurity can manifest itself so differently from person to person. For some people it just makes them feel the need to take topless pictures of themselves and put them on Facebook and write annoying status updates about needing hugs...then there are the kind of people that just get really fucking mean.

Mean People

Lately I've been fixated on how people can be so mean. Didn't they sing songs in preschool about being nice to others? Didn't they fucking watch Barney?

I don't think that people are mean for no reason at all, I think people are mean because they are afraid of something...generally afraid of losing something or afraid of feeling something...I know it's often the case for me.

Sometimes I see somebody doing something cruel and I wonder why. I wonder what they have to gain from making another person feel small.

I've never enjoyed being patronised and I've never been any good at being condescending myself. I've never felt any kind of thrill from making another person feel awful, even if they have made me feel awful... I don't mean that I haven't ever said or done mean things but I generally feel so bad that I end up apologising profusely because the guilt eats at me like I'm a hamburger and the guilt is Kirsty Alley....


 THAT'S MEAN MICHAELA! SORRY KIRSTY! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

Though lately I am wondering whether compassion and empathy are missing personality traits for some people because things that people say and do can sometimes only be described a heartless, callous, insensitive...or may favourite “FUCKED”.

Social networking is like a breeding ground for wankers... People thrive having an audience to watch their dumb internet bullying.

So often, you see somebody write something that is clearly not intended with any malice and even with the ambiguity of text and no matter how many times you read over the statement, you can't find anything cruel in it.... but some argumentative asshole decides that the comment was definitely a personal attack on them. And some dumb online war breaks out

“Oh I read your status, You love cookies? What is that? Are you some kind of racist?”

What could that even mean?

The remedy for being an asshole: Look at your life and try to work out why you get off on talking down to people. If constantly humiliating people gives you a boner then maybe you should seek psychiatric help because in medical terms, you are 'fucked'

Grown adults who think they are adorable when they talk like babies

You are not! Please stop with your fake speech impediments. People spend years and loads of money to learn how to correct their speech defects yet you are purposely putting on a voice that makes you sound like a toddler. The only kind of person you are going to attract with your baby talk is a blind paedophile.

Catchphrases: “I need snuggles”

“I wuv my baby”

The remedy: I don't know? A lobotomy? A dictionary...? A John Cusack film? A book on how-to-express-yourself-with-real-words? A montage of Sylvester from Loony Tunes saying things vs Jude Law saying things and you can decide which one has a sexier voice?

vs

Unreliable people

Unreliability in general just annoys me, though I can look past it if somebody is a generally nice person but just not that organised, because I am not that organised myself.

I am an over-committer. Oh what's that you say facebook? 26 events all on the same night? And one is in Melbourne? I can totally do that. This is how I get burnt out and sick all the time. Overcommitting is one thing I do understand.

I have come to accept that the majority of my friends are going to be late for almost every occasion and I can forgive that as long as they recognise when something is important and make the effort.

What I struggle to comprehend is the idea of verbally committing to thing's when you have no intention of doing them. Honestly it's much easier for somebody to tell you in advance that they can't do something than to find out 5 minutes before that you are going to see the Backstreet Boys on your own. Honestly, if you have no intention of doing something, just straight out say you can't...make up a lie if you have to. I'd probably rather you lie to me a day in advance and feed me some elaborate story about why you can't make it, than you call me on the night and say “I have no money” or some other lame flakey excuse...really?

The thing that I find most intriguing about these erratic beings is that they are often not all that understanding when you have to bail on plans yourself...Even if you have a decent excuse....WHAT DO YOU MEEEEAN YOUR GRANDMA IS IN HOSPTITAL? WE HAD PLANS BITCH....never mind that last week they skipped your birthday because some dude in a band asked them to go back to his place and drink bong water.

The remedy: prioritise

Complete selfishness

I believe its healthy to be selfish at times. I don't think its possible to be completely selfless and still be happy all the time but I am baffled by just how many people will not do anything that doesn't get them some kind of personal gain.

I think that the average person can not be that busy in their own world that they can not spare time to occasionally do something just out of the goodness of their heart. Perhaps if that's too much to ask, they can start with baby steps and just be a little bit considerate of the people around them.

I had this wicked bitch of a customer come into the choclateria that I work at with her friend. Her friend said about 8 times that he was allergic to chocolate but instead of being like “Hey that's cool, let's go pretty much anywhere else...somewhere where everything isn't chocolate with a side of dipping chocolate so you can have something”...she proceeded to stare at our menu for the next 10 minutes...I seriously wanted to punch her for him.

He kept saying “Yeah I can't have anything here” and she just kept saying things that made me want to hit her “Oh this looks good”

HE CAN'T FUCKING HAVE IT YOU MENTAL BITCH. This is like taking a vegan to a steakhouse, why the fuck are you here?

I get that people don't have time to be all Mother Teresa and volunteer every day of their life but do you think you could have a little fucking understanding for somebody who is meant to be your friend?

Catchphrases: “me me me”

“Why are you upset?..Oh wait I don't care”

The remedy: Go do some volunteer work...maybe watch The Green Mile, Rabbit Proof Fence or the first 7 minutes of Pixars film Up!.... If you cry, Congratulations! You are capable of empathy! There is hope for you yet!

"Tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people"

People who believe rules do not apply to them

I'm not sure what the deal is, these people come from all kinds of socio-economic backgrounds so it's not just a 'posh' kind of thing. Some people just have this unfounded sense of entitlement that makes them believe they are allowed to jump the queue, smoke in non-smoking areas, park in loading zones and pretty much just ignore every sign ever made.

Catchphrases: “I'm just going to go before you”

Remedy: WAIT YOUR TURN MUTHAFUCKA!

People who run hot and cold

One day they are sending you a million texts and want to hang out all the time... then you don't hear from them for weeks but they turn up suddenly and now require a large quantity of your attention for another few days ….then rinse and repeat. These people are exhausting.

Catchphrases: “Lets hang”....followed by 4+ weeks of no contact then “lets hang”

The remedy: look up the word 'consistency' in the dictionary and try to implement it in some way shape or form before everybody gets sick of your temperature changes and decides to get a new fancy hot water system...oh I don't know guys, its really fucking cold and I think I've taken this blog entry as far as I can go and now I just want a bath. Ok Bye

proof....



And uh......................................................................

Alcohol and other drugs and how my loser friends made up the name 'mode' for valium and said "It'lgetyadrunk"

Every time I am hugging a toilet and calling out for death to find me, I make a promise to myself that I will never drink again.

Every time I read some dumb incoherent text that I sent the night before, I make a promise to myself that I will never drink again.

Every time I see a photo of myself sprawled across the floor or dancing on a chair, I promise that was the last time.

I drink more than I should. I have never touched another real drug... well what I constitute as a 'real drug'.

I remember when I was a teenager, my friends gave me some stuff called 'mode'...I didn't know for a long time that this was just a made up name they had decided to give valium.. they just told me “It'll getya drunk”. (I hung out with some fucking losers)..It is a good trick though if you want to get loose but have very little money...but maybe don't give your pals a fucking shit load of muscle relaxants without telling them what it is first.

Drugs intrigue me. There are some people in my life that I have only ever known when they are drunk or stoned... not that they always are (well most of them aren't) but because I only see certain people on the weekend, that's just they way it works out.

SO WHY DON'T YOU?

I get pretty exhausted when people grill me about not wanting to snort, smoke or ingest whatever drug is on offer. People ask you like “What so you've NEVER tried it? WHY THE HELL NOT?”

I feel like I'm not the one who has to explain or defend myself... and I kind of feel like saying WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO?

Just today, a guy I work with told me that he often has people ask him why he doesn't drink which I think is sort of fucking rude.

I get why people do take stuff and I'm not being all High and Mighty or ever ruling out the idea that I may one day take something but I don't feel like I need to and I feel much safer drinking, just because I'm a lot more certain about what is going into my body.... even if I don't know exactly how its going to effect me....please refer to hugging toilets and any previous blog entry that talks about me professing love or calling people cock heads when I drink.

MY PERSONAL RISK

Alcohol can be fun when it doesn't make you vomit and piss your pants and generally wish you could die.... and I presume that drugs are also fun but for me its the risk factor. I just don't know how things will effect me physiologically and I am not willing to fuck myself up long term for a short term high.

I've spent a lot of time in hospital due to my mental health being a mess and let me say that 1. I don't need drugs to be fucked up and 2. in that time I was given enough medication to last me a life time.

Since then I have learnt to value the feeling of freedom when you don't have to rely on a pill to make your brain work.

I know that I have a predisposition that makes myself a little more sensitive to any kind of stimulant than the average person so while most people can smoke a joint and just get the munchies... it could potentially be enough to send me back into hospital for a week...It could also be fucking awesome but I'm not curious enough to get all Girl Interrupted again.

YOU LOOK LIKE A DICK

I've been sober when people around me are drunk. Sometimes it's kind of funny but often when you're the only sober one you think “Is this how I look when I'm wasted? AM I 'THAT GIRL'???”... and the answer is probably yes.

This is what we think is happening when we are drunk grinding

This is probably more accurate>>>>>>>>>>>

And this is the heartthrob you're dancing with.>>>>>>>

ADDICTION

I have had a lot of friends that have had drug or alcohol issues, some to the point where they can't function without it. After a really shitty break up a few years back, I made a concious decision to not spend so much time with those people.

I can hack people taking a pill on the weekend or smoking the occasional joint and I won't yell at you if you decide to do lines on a Friday night but if it's Monday morning and you need that shit just to get out of bed...if you are taking days off work just to stay home and get stoned...if you have no money for food because you spent it all on alcohol...and after all that you can still say“I don't have a problem” then I don't really feel like I can be in your life without being a nag.

I don't blame people for having addictions, I have plenty of my own and I don't judge them for how they got there because I think how easily I could have been there too had one thing happened differently.

BEING AN UPPITTY JUDGEMENTAL BITCH

At one point I do remember being that girl that was like “How when our generation is so educated do people pick up these habits?” but I get how the risk can be so low when you feel you have nothing left to lose and I also get that some things are just fucking addictive and what starts out as fun just ends up being a daily requirement.

A lot of people do just try things out and are able to monitor that,

I know that I am not that good at self restraint... fuck I am insane when I decide I want a TimTam, like my mind is just one track “GOTTA HAVE IT!”...could you imagine me on crack?...It would probably kill the TimTam cravings but I think I'd be the most mental bitch out.

"Get me a side of crack to go with my Tim Tam please kind sir"

I remember meeting the sweetest girl in hospital. I was so shocked to find out that she was there for an Ice addiction...I mean “what the fuck?”.

There she is, this girl, my age, my sense of humour with an upbringing not so different to mine and somehow she got messed up in this drug ….a drug that everybody knows you are not meant to touch.

It broke my heart because I felt so in-tune with her, we were best buds from the get go but she was going through this unbelievable struggle that I could not understand and that up until meeting her, it was an addiction that I made no effort to try to understand.

I' would just sort of look at people like that and wonder how they could be so stupid. I think a lot of people think that way and a lot of people that don't do drugs have this narrow mind set of “You did this to yourself so why would I help you?”.

Its kind of silly when you think about it because if your pal smoked cigarettes and got lung cancer, I'm pretty sure you would still go visit them in hospital and bring them flowers not just go “SUFFER BITCH, YA DID IT TO YOSELF SUCKER”...if you did, you would probably be a bit of a psycho, so good luck with that...also why are you yelling?...and did you go all the way to the hospital to say that? So many unanswered questions

WHERE IS THE LINE(of coke and how do I get it?)

I have been offered every kind of drug I can think of at some point between hanging out in seedy bars and people I met in hospital. I have been tempted at times but something has always happened to stop it, whether it was my brain/mouth saying “No thanks” or some dude saying “Whoops I just finished it” and the universe being like NOT TODAY BITCH, NOT TODAY.

I feel like its inevitable that I am going to want to have hash cookies in Amsterdam or that one day when I'm drunk and in the right/wrong place I'm going to smoke snort or ingest some kind of illegal substance that my P.E teacher told me that I shouldn't.

…..but I don't ever look at my life and think that it needs drugs to make it more interesting and for me I don't know where the line between what's ok and what is not gets blurred... somewhere between caffeine and crystal meth I guess?

24...going on 5

As some of you may know, I just turned 24. This means I have ONE more year left of being closer to Twenty than Thirty.

In so many ways I am perpetually 12 years old.

The great decline:

I feel like in the years since my teens I have actually regressed.

When I was 19, I lived out of my parents house, I paid rent and bills, paid for my own groceries. I now live back with Mum and Dad and do none of that.

My younger brother is looking at houses to buy. Do you want to know what the most expensive thing I own is? It's my laptop... and it has had more breaks downs than Britney Spears.

Some things never change:

Paul Rudd looks the same now as he did 20 years ago...

I kind of expected that adulthood would just hit you know? Like one day you wake up and you're a proper person who owns tupperware  and cuttlery and who doesn't eat eggs out of the pan.

I don't drive, often my TEENAGE sister picks me up and drives me places. Most Sundays I am too hungover to even practice driving.

I spend my money on weird shit that I don't need then forever complain that I am never going to get to Europe.

Why would you ever need this Michaela?

People that have it together:

I know that most people don't 'have it together' but I envy people that can at least give off the impression that they are a fully formed person.

 “Oh look at me, I study and work and DON'T stay at home watching Will and Grace and talking in weird voices to my dog”

...Did I say envy? I meant I hate you, I hate you.

Seriously? How do you afford mortgage payments and not spend all your money on ebay buying shoes and bidding on Dawson Leerys' licence? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

Feeling judged:

I do most of my shopping at Woolies because they have self service, so I don't get judged by smug checkout chicks for all my impulse purchases that paint the picture of a slightly retarded person.

Honest to god this is what my shopping cart looks like

-Spiderman toothbrush

-Pack of 12 Bega Stringers[to be consumed within the next 12 hours]

-Hair dye[to cover up whatever monstrosity I have already created on my head on any given week]

-Shower foam [to make foam clothes in the shower and basically just have a great time]

-A bottle of V [to induce heart attack]

-Stockings(mine get a hole in them every time I drink and think its a good idea to try to climb a wall)

-Shoe insoles (I honestly must own every kind, I am convinced one day I will comfortably walk in beautiful heels)

-Vitamins[in a lame attempt to counteract the effects of all the other poison I ingest]

I honestly think I must have a receipt somewhere that looks EXACTLY like this

My Friends:

I have a broad mix of pals, older, younger, some that have a very clear path lined up in life and others that admit to being as lost as me. We like to get together and claim “I'm so poor” while we eat expensive meals and buy new dresses. Its awesome.

Some of my pals are getting married and having babies and buying houses..which are three things that just quietly SCARE.THE.SHIT.OUT.OF.ME.

I mean those things are huge right? I can't even commit to a hair colour... imagine if I had a baby... nah nurse, take it back, it's too white, I'm in a real Zoe Deschanel jet black phase, I think black would suit me better...do you have little black baby I could have instead?

 NO MICHAELA YOU CAN'T SWAP YOUR FUCKING CHILD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?...

"Can i get one in dimonte to match my phone?"

I suppose if I just walked around saying ridiculous things like that, the court would declare me an unfit mother/human and the problem would sort it self out....ok I'm going to stop now, the mere fact that I am making jokes like this proves that I am a very incapable  of being an adult.

Beautiful people... and bad photoshopped pictures of John C Rielly

Today I am going to talk about beautiful people and I don't mean any of that 'inner beauty' shit that that they teach you in Primary School. I am talking about perfect cheek bones, good eyebrows and ass that won't quit type hotties that you bang with your eyes.
Beautiful people make me both extremely excited and incredibly depressed...which makes looking at magazines a confusing process.

We let beautiful people get away with much more than we do 'normies'
On a scale of 1-10 a guy can probably be about a 6 and still get away with being a prick... for girls its slightly higher, if you are are anything over an 8.5 then your bitchyness makes you sassy, anything less...your bitchyness just makes you a fucking bitch.
I know what you're thinking "Michaela this is so scientific, I got enough of science from school and science books"... And I'm sorry but sometimes my blogs are educational as well as funny.

I seriously HATE being called 'babe' in any situation other than when it's my friends making fun of me for how much I hate it...but if a hot dude that I just met calls me 'babe' and he has great eyebrows I will probably let him live under my skirt.


 It's not my fault, beautiful people just have a power over us. We laugh at their dumb jokes just in hopes of seeing them naked. We try to see the good in them when they are total cockheads and basically just put up with way more shit than we would if they looked like John C Rielly.


Seriously? Would you have sat through that?

Sometimes we let beautiful people get away with too much
A perfect example of people being too beautiful for their own good is Lara Bingle. Lara Bingle is mostly known for being a model, being in a tourism add for Australia then letting a couple of sports stars who's names I don't know 'go down under'.
I thought it would be fun to look up some of her quotes to see if she actually was interesting and if I'd just missed the point....
the first one I found "Being Irish was a big thing for me, particularly growing up in Chicago."...then I realised it was actually Lara Flynn Boyle because Lara Bingle actually does not say anything interesting enough to be quoted on anybodies website...that and I only looked for about 2 minutes....I'm really not that invested and I probably won't watch her show.

Why tha bloody hell are ya famous?


Speaking of boring hotties who get their own shows...Kim Kardashian... is an actual idiot, I mean she is fucking beautiful but there is not a lot going on upstairs....though I could be wrong because she clearly knows how to market herself and a show about her doing almost nothing almost all of the time.
 The fact is, she is famous because she is hot, nobody would watch it if she wasn't extremely good looking and her family was not marginally attractive...that show would just be called Big Brother  and they'd need Gretel Kileen to host it and make up pretend love triangles and add some weird games because nobody wants to look at ugly people doing nothing..they mostly want to see them suffer and cry and fail at house challenges.

I am going to copywright this shit
Why its ok to be a 'normie' or even an uggo:
Not being able to rely solely on your looks means that there are often cases where average looking people have to develop this thing called a 'personality', If you are reading this and you are already beautiful then you need read no further...chances are you probably can't read any further because your parents and 1st grade teacher probably saw your potential as a hottie at a young age and let you try on pageant dresses while the other kids learnt the alphabet. I kid, I kid, I know that pretty people can be intelligent and interesting ...just look at...Lara Flynn Boyle


"You know the bigger you get and the more famous you get, the more people you can get to fill your house and tell you how great you are. You can do that"-Lara Flynn Boyle

Some of the most lucrative and interesting people in the world are not necessarily 'goodlooking'. A lot of the best comedians in the world are funnier simply because they are not good looking...some people make an actual career out of it.

I'm so mean. I actually love him, just look at his little face.


I always wonder when there's that fat lady in a tv shows being cast as "an ugly lady" you know the one I mean, where other characters actually refer to her being fat or gross and she doesn't have any lines, shes just there to be fat and/or gross...what did that casting lineup look like?!


 And how fucking depressed would you be if you didn't get that role! I guess you could always go home and eat a cheesecake, not wash your hair and try again next time...
I don't know that this blog entry has a moral...maybe just 'If you're an uggo, its ok, just get on tv'...good moral Michaela

To finish I will leave you with this collection of Lara Flynn Boyle's quotes that I actually can't believe somebody made

People need to chill out about food- the most annoying things that people say in a cafe

I would like to start by saying that I like food, food is awesome but I think people take it just a tad to seriously.
My job itself is not particularly difficult, which is why I get paid minimum wage to do it. I mean I help manage a dessert cafe and I make coffee... but some people believe that makes me a wizard. 'Hi customer, no I can not produce 56 coffees for your entire office within 3 seconds. Nobody can. It will take as long as it fucking takes'.

I have had a lot of jobs including a series of volunteer work that included working with people who have been seriously mentally and physically abused... I am talking people who have real fucking reason to be pissed of at the world but instead chose to be resilient and move on with life...which to me is so amazing.
Yet daily I serve people on the other side of the spectrum...over privileged wankers with some false sense of entitlement who act like you just told them that their Grandma is dead when they hear that they have to wait two minutes for a giant banana sundae dessert [that the size of there ass is proof they do not need].
Today I want to talk about some of the most irritating yet commonly used phrases in our cafe.

"Can I have the Strawberry bowl but instead of strawberries can I have brownie, Ice cream and churros?"
Ok I lie nobody has ever said that but people honestly do pick things on the menu and then try to substitute 90% of the ingredients. I'm sorry? Are you 8? Did you mistake this for your house and me for your mother? You are in a cafe, I am not your personal server that you pay by the hour.
We have a menu. If you are allergic to nuts, I won't give you nuts but you can't make up your own meal and then still expect to pay the price of a single ice cream scoop..Please leave. Please leave and never return back into my life... then punch your Mum in the ovaries for not having you aborted...
Too far?


Oh you'll eat your ice cream you little cunt-shitter-mutherfucker and you'll like it too

"Why is everything so expensive?"
Do you realise that you do not have to eat here? Go get a soft serve from Mc Donald's for 40c if that is what you want. I will not be personally offended. Also, I just work here, I didn't price the items myself just to piss you off...though I must admit its a perk.
People come in and act so hardly done by because they have to pay 8 bux for a fancy dessert. Nothing in here is a necessity. If that is honestly the biggest problem in your life right now, you are pretty lucky.


Go annoy this guy, he has a permenant smile plasterd on his face so he always looks like his smiling...even though he also thinks you're an asswipe.

"CAN YOU MAKE IT NOW?"
If you look around a shop and see 30 other people sitting down and you say to the person serving you "make it now", to me this is the equivalent of saying "I am more important than every other person in this room". You are an ass hole. Everybody thinks you are an ass hole. People probably do things faster for you so they don't have to be around you any longer. I kind of hate that about the world. That a polite patient person who makes your day nicer and just says things like "take your time" or "that's OK, its worth waiting for, I can see you're busy"...they get no special treatment. Yet psycho's that walk in on their high horse, yell and scream and get things for free.

I breathe such a sigh of relief when another customer acknowledges what a cock head somebody has just been.  I apologised to a sweet older lady once when I brought out her drink after another customer, explaining that the previous woman was a bit impatient so I just made it quickly first and she responded with "Don't worry,she was a bit of a bitch wasn't she? you handled it well". She totally made my day.


"Why can't you stay open later?"
Seriously almost every time I have to close the shop some dickhead comes up to one of us and trys to lay down some wisdom about how we should stay open later. As it is, our store shuts at 9:30/10 which is late enough for us to be at work on our weekends.
By the time we've cleaned up, we can be stuck back for anything up to 3 hours after.
Apart from the fact that we aren't insured to do that, would you like to hang around and clean up until that time? Would you like your mother, daughter or your girlfriend to do that? No? Then please shut the fuck up and go hang out with your friends somewhere else. Every single person working here wants to kick your ass for asking that...but we are all too fucking tired.



"I'm in a rush"
Nothing on our menu is proper food, its dessert...which is generally the stuff you eat after a meal so I suppose that's why I find it hard to understand why people get that worked up. I mean we serve coffee but again, not many people go "Wow I'm so thirsty I need a coffee" If you are dying of thirst you drink water. So when you walk into a place that primarily sells chocolate and Spanish doughnuts at a relatively expensive price...I don't think I am crazy to assume that you did not just come back from a trip to the middle of the Sahara where you have been without food for weeks- right?

"The first thing imma do when I leave the desert is get some dessert"

The reactions people give to even a 'five minute' wait time is astounding. The most common being "FOR COFFEE? FIVE WHOLE MINUTES FOR A COFFEE?"
I'm guessing that you and your equally stuck up friend are planning on sitting in here for a little while... but I understand within 2 seconds of meeting you that you are both so horrible that your mutual company may be unbearable for either of you to take... so I will get your drinks out as soon as possible so you can avoid any kind of interaction with each other...

"I came in here to drink coffee with my friend I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HER"

If you do not allocate enough time in your day that is not my fault. You have walked into a cafe not a fast food chain and the cafe is full of other people, some as arrogant and self absorbed as yourself who would freak the fuck out if I bumped your order in front because you're pouting.
Oh by the way, in the amount of time that you stand at the counter complaining that a drink should not take 5 minutes to make, I could have made it for you and gotten through season 1-6 of Dawsons Creek...and tried out all Michelle Williams hairstyles from the series...
(please check out this website for reference)
http://www.fanpop.com/spots/dawsons-creek/picks/results/446392/best-season-jens-hair
but no, instead I was here, with you, pretending to look concerned but instead wishing I could say what I really wanted to say to you and make you cry like Dawson Leery cried when he found out about Joey and Pacey...