How not to be a wanker and Grudges...not 'the grudge' the hit film starring Sara Michelle Gellar

HOLDING A GRUDGE MAKES YOU A WANKER [UNLESS THEY KILLED YOUR MUM THEN ITS OK]
I've never really got the idea of holding a grudge. It seems like a lot of effort...unless you know somebody kills your mum or something... then it's like 'Yeah it's ok to awkwardly look them up and down and maybe leave flaming bags of shit on their front porch and ring the doorbell'...I get that, I do.




.


...but I think people today are just way too sensitive and lose their shit way too easily when somebody says or does anything that they don't agree with.
I'm not saying that there aren't people I don't like but if we have mutual friends and we run into each other, out of respect to my pals and respect for the fact that I'm not a 7 year old, I will generally try my best to be polite...then say something bitchy behind their back like a normal person.





YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A WANKER
The thing is no matter how much I dislike a person, I do not want my last memory of them to be a negative one. Seriously, imagine if they got hit by a car tomorrow? I know I've had some Ally McBeal style fantasies of this happening to my nemesis when they are being all condescending toward me but really if it did, I would not feel pleased with myself.
I would feel like I was a pretty crap person and then even though they are being scraped of the sidewalk, they still kind of win because I have to spend the rest of my life living with the fact that as a human, I am kind of on par with Chad Kroeger....now thats a man who's doorstep I'd thoroughly enjoy taking a dump on. Seriously dude what were you thinking? This.is.how.you.remind.me? No! Bad human!


Ok yeah, it seems like I have a pretty unfounded hatred toward Chad Kroger but let me tell you something about this. It's ok for me to hate Chad Kroeger because the likeliness of me ever running into him is about as low as him writing a song that didn't make me want to tare off my ears.
What I have trouble with is when friends start feuding and somehow, myself as a gal who sadly now fits into the category of 'a person in their mid 20's'... is forced to pick sides.
Even Tom Petty thinks this is small minded. HAHA get it? Petty, Tom Petty. CLASSIC



YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT A WANKER UNTIL YOU TALK TO A REAL WANKER
As an outspoken young lady, I have disagreements with people on a daily basis about topics that seriously fucking matter to me and if I stopped talking to every single person that made a racist comment or who thinks that gay people shouldn't be allowed to get married I wouldn't talk much at all. It also wouldn't achieve a single thing.
I enjoy discussion and I enjoy debate. The world would be a boring place if everyone agreed on everything. I like being challenged and open to the idea that my mind could be changed or even that I'd just get a better insight to why somebody else sees things as they do. Though in these cases it's often the latter... I don't see myself becoming a homophobic refugee hater anytime soon but I'd love to know why some people are built that way.



I know I wasn't just born with all the ideals I have today, they grew from the people around me. So I think that when you just dismiss a person because they don't agree with the way you live or the way you think, then you stand to miss out on something... even if it's just a laugh at how narrow minded somedody is (hehehehohohoho that conversation made me feel much better about myself because you actually are a fucking idiot)

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR PALS TO THINK YOU'RE A WANKER
Are you ever out at a show or a party and you see your pal but then the other friend that you're standing with tells you "We cant go over there"...now this friend your standing with has no problem with the friend that you want to talk to but they aren't talking to the person who's standing with them so YOU CAN'T GO OVER THERE...even though you don't even know that other person...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SPIDERWEB OF FRIENDSHIP BULLSHIT? Sorry for swearing, I just get worked up. Your friend is being a wanker! This behaviour is not ok past highschool.

The thing is that the person that they are mad at doesn't even recognise that they are not talking to them because that person plays such a trivial part in their life.
So you just want to turn to your friend and say "CALM DOWN MOTHERSHITTER THIS IS NOT THE HILLS...not that I ever watch The Hills...also sorry for swearing but you are being a wanker"
But isn't it just a little bit true that the person holding the grudge is often so much more invested in it that the person who's being shunned? Whats the point of spending your life avoiding somebody? Not going places because they might be there? Turning your head swiftly when you do see them? ...that shit is going to hurt your neck!... Not to mention that in between all this ignoring you're still talking about them and telling everyone how much you hate them...which kind of means that you waste a lot of time thinking about them too. Wouldn't it just be easier to smile and wave politely?


CHAD KROEGER IS A WANKFACE
I do think that people do shitty things and sometimes people are just not compatible so you'd rather not have them in your life. Some people [Chad Kroeger] just annoy the shit out of me no matter what they do. So I don't actively go out and try to be in place where he might be...it's pretty easy because he's Canadian and I've never been to Canada but I like to think that if Chad Kroeger ever happened to be at a bar in Sydney, and my pal wanted to chat to him that I wouldn't put my black hair over my eyes and whisper "the grudge"...oh who am I kidding, I totally would.
So to sum up, grudges are shit when they are a movie starring Sarah Michelle Gellar or pretty much any other time but are allowed when it comes to Chad Kroeger.
THANK YOU AND SORRY FOR SWEARING

Technology and how it sucks but also sometimes doesn't suck

I am a bit technology illiterate. Well not totally. I can use my phone, my pc and a toaster but if you hand me your iphone to put my number in or to do pretty much anything I will literally shriek and throw it back at you like it's a hot potato
.


I can use facebook and as you know from the amazing pictures on my blog, I am not all that familiar with how to do much else other than copy paste and write rude words in paint.
I kind of love and hate technology at the same time.


The Mystery is gone
Are you ever out with a group of people and somebody asks a question and instantly somebody gets out their phone and googles the answer? before the Internet was that easily accessible, even just a few years ago when it existed but nobody really had it on their phone, you could all argue about the answer and it would be a fun guessing game then eventually you'd get home and check on line and text Dean and say "Fuck you Dean! Shawn Mullins DID sing Shimmer so suck on that!". Now it's like people don't even give themselves time to have that interaction because the answer in in their back pocket- wheres the fun in that?

"Shawn Mullins 'shimmer' was on the Dawsons Creek Soundtrack Dean! How could you not know that? Don't question my knowledge on the creek!"




People are more confident behind their keyboard:fact
Have you ever reconnected with somebody online and thought "Fuck! this is great, we get along so much better now that we did in school, they used to be so difficult to talk to but now they are totally lovely, we should catch up!" Then you see them out and you KNOW that they see you but their gaze is clearly being diverted on purpose so you walk off thinking "what a wanker" and then you get a message later saying "Did I see you today?"??? Yes you saw me bitch, you know you saw me.

You know that facebook 'friend' that likes and comments on every single post you write on facebook but the second you suggest hanging out, they have an excuse not to... Even though you know they will just be online all night wanking and playing words with friends.

The confidence of the keyboard is another one of those things that I love and hate about technology.
I hate that you can deliver awful news via text because you're too cowardly to see the response...that's not to say that I haven't done it (whoops)...I should edit that to I hate being on the RECEIVING END of a text filled with awful news.
I write much better than I speak. The words in my head often don't form properly before I have the chance to say them and there is no 'edit' button so for that reason I think it's great that I can write words rather that speak them when I need to... but technology enables us to be really ignorant of how our words might affect somebody. I mean seriously you could send your boyfriend/girlfriend/transgender-lover a text that says "you're dumped" and take their lack of reply as them just taking it really well. For all you know they are having an "I got dumped party"...except probably not or it would have come up in their facebook events.






Geeeeettting to knooow yooooou getting tooo know aaaall about you

I've never seen the King And I but if you had and it was your favourite movie, I could probably tell just by looking at your facebook GREAT SEGUE MICHAELA.
It's kind of scary how much information about you can end up visible via social networking. Even if you don't have a facebook profile, which lets be honest would not apply to a lot of people... say your friend has one and your friend is the type of freak that doesn't just check into fun places to be like  WHADDUP WORLD I'M AT SEA WORLD. I'M ABOUT TO PARTY WITH DOLPHINS but also feels the need to check in at work and the mall and bed and the toilet.
Firstly: What the fuck!
Secondly they decide to write "at the mall with [insert your name here]"...(I'm choosing the mall because I hope you are not in the toilet with your annoying friend because the fact that they sign in EVERYWHERE in the presence of other people speaks volumes about their character and I doubt they even have time to wipe their bum between tweets so that is NOT the kind of person you want to share a cubicle with ya know? )



Anyway DESPITE the fact that you chose not to be a social networker, your friend has now told all of his/her 9977 friends that they are at the mall with you...Oh! and their friends list includes that weird dude from Subway that used to stalk you so bad that you had to change your number and make up an elaborate story about how you moved to Iceland to study puffin in their natural habitat. Well now he's at the mall and he wants answers! ...subway guy not puffin...oh if only it were puffin

PLEASE THANK YOUR STUPID FRIEND THAT I MADE UP FOR PROVING A [pretty poorly assembled] POINT ABOUT HOW THE INTERNET IS DANGEROUS AND GIVES OUT TOO MUCH INFORMATION ....
BUT ALSO CONTAINS CUTE PICTURES OF PUFFIN
OOOOH DOUBLE EDGE SWORD

The hard part is gone
(said ya mum)

How much easier is it to ask somebody out on a date via text or facebook than it is to ask them to their face or even on the phone? In the same way that breaking up with somebody via text is easier because you just put those words out into the world and don't have to see the persons face.

I have mixed feelings about the hard part being gone.
Once when I was out with a guy, instead of just kissing me, he sent me a text, asking if he was allowed to kiss me...it was kind of cute but it sort of eliminated that suspense that leads up to a kiss y'know?
And I think the suspense is what social network sites take away. What makes getting to know somebody exciting is that there will inevitably be awkward moments and trying to skip past all that kind of feels like cheating...like reading the last page of a book and I think when you do that you can miss a lot of the good stuff.

I'm not saying I'm about to chuck out my phone or stop checking facebook on my lunch break but I like the idea of arguing with my pals and waiting until I get home to check who sang that song and just being somewhere and enjoying the company instead of feeling like every moment needs a status update to prove that it happened. I like the idea of finding out somebodies favourite movie when they tell me and not when I read it online. I like  the idea of somebody wanting to spend time together rather than comment on my status and most importantly I like the idea of a world where people don't need a facebook check in to tell everybody when they go to the toilet.

Soften the fuck up- suicide and the lasting effects for loved ones

"Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem"

I know that the topics I choose to write about are often more light hearted but today I felt like writing about something a bit closer to my heart and I hope you will take the time to read it.
Male suicide is a real issue in Australia and around the globe.
Here are a few disturbing facts:

"- [In Australia] For the past five years, around 2,100 people have taken their life each year, with 2,132 deaths recorded in 2009.

-Males who die by suicide are more likely to do so via hanging than females, with approximately 50% of male suicide deaths due this method since 2001, compared with 40% of female suicide deaths.

-Suicide rates for males are higher than those for females and have been higher since at least the 1920’s. More women than men, however, attempt suicide.³
-The ratio of male to female suicides rose from 2:1 in the 1960s to over 4:1 in the mid 1990s. In recent years, the suicide rate for males has reduced slightly to 3.3 times that of females in 2008, and is consistent across most age groups."-Mind frame resource

A year ago today, a friend of mine, Ryan took his own life.
Ryan and I met in hospital 3 years back where we were both being treated for mental health related issues. We connected instantly and he was one of few people that I kept in contact with after I was discharged... but I doubt at the time he chose to end his life that I would have crossed his mind as being a person that he could have turned to and that breaks my heart.
There were not enough seats at Ryan's Funeral to fit all of the people that loved him and as I looked around I found it hard to understand how somebody who was so loved could have ever felt so alone.

The stigma attached to depression in males is worrying.
It upsets me that so many dudes still view admitting that you aren't coping as being weak or emasculating. A couple of months ago rapper 360 posted this video:

It was on youtube so there were the usual bunch of dumbass comments posted is response ...like how it's poorly constructed (ignoring the fact that the guy is clearly distraught )but for the most part, a lot of young Australians seemed to feel like they related. Say what you want about the guy.... love him or hate him, I liked seeing somebody famous shining a light on the issue and getting people talking. Last count that video had reached 563,430 views.

Honestly I'd love to see more discussion that will eventually help people to stop viewing mental illness as a taboo topic.

Over the course of 2007-2009, I spent a collective of about 4 months in hospital. I would go in for a few weeks and then leave before I was ready and end up back in again.
Frustrated by the different diagnosis I'd receive, I began to self medicate. Eventually I got passed trying to put a label on what was wrong with me and how embarrassed I was and started to realise that my family and real friends loved me for who I am and saw past my illness.

I remember times where I stopped believing I had any chance of being happy and I can't pin point the exact moment that I snapped out of that kind of thinking because it was more of a gradual process.
This process was a combination of amazing support from friends family and hospital staff as well as educating myself as much as possible about what I was up against. There are also so many forums out there where you can talk to people who have been through what you're going through

Schizophrenia, depression, bipolar. None of these are a death sentence

If you have never felt depressed, I would say you're among the lucky few and I encourage people to read up about other peoples stories.

I also strongly recommend checking out this website:

http://softenthefckup.com.au/
'Soften the fuck up' is a campaign aimed primarily at males to start talking it out rather that keeping it in and if you ask me that's a fucking great idea

The dumb questions people in relationships ask single people ...and how I draw on my boobs

If you are single and somebody asks you why you are single, you kind of feel like punching them. Then following with a series of questions of your own
Really dude?
Does my not being dependant on another person in my 20's make me a bad person?
Does being in a committed relationship make you a happy person and not being in one make you an unhappy one?
Are you retarded?
Questions like that....

I am single for a lot of reasons.

Sometimes when I'm doing something really odd like drawing around my nipples with texta to make them seem larger and pretending to be Kate Winslet, I think back to all the times I convinced somebody to say that they were in love with me ...because I really am an odd young lady.



Just yesterday when my sister mentioned the time I hurt my hand on the fan when I was dancing by myself I asked her if she remembered the other time where I hurt my foot when I was doing high kicks to Tom Jones and she responded with something along the lines of "I can't remember all the weird things you do". Well played.

Anyway back to the whole "I'm in love with you" thing. That's a big deal right?...I mean granted most of these people probably weren't actually in love with me but more in love with the cooler version of myself that I pretend to be when I start seeing somebody...you know back BEFORE I let all my crazy out...but whatever, the words were said and I'm keeping them.
If you've ever been in love you know that feeling...butterflies, rehearsing conversations in your head...making up nicknames for the person based on anagrams of your names combined...ok so maybe that last one is just me...like I said before "WEIRD"...just fyi an anagram for Michaela Kaiser Zach Braff is "Airmail crab hack sheaf fez"

Anyway before all my relationships ended in break ups of Marissa Cooper style proportions...well not quite so much...the dude that liked me didn't have a gun and try to shoot himself in front of me...oh and how about when she shoots Ryans brother? How does a gal in the OC have so much access to guns? Ok so my stories were not quite so dramatic but add in Americas lax gun laws and they might have been...ANYWAY before all that stuff that didn't actually happen I was in a few semi proper pseudo relationships...none of which really made it past the 3 month or so mark... which was usually just enough time for me to think that I was a total stud and then do something to wreck it.



I want to start by saying that my reasons for thinking I am a stud are valid and any other person single or in a relationship can probably agree that this is how the whole dating thing goes:
When you are single, for the most part you only get hit on by oddballs and uggos...or often people that fall under both of these categories.
Yet as soon as you do the whole commitment thing BANG you know that guitarist from that band you saw months ago and thought was super cute? Yeah he comes into your work and he's not only gorgeous but also hilarious and he want to hang out with you... Then the same day that you change your relationship status to "in a relationship" BOOM! FRIEND REQUEST! It's that guy that was obsessed with you in High school, you know the one who looked like Voldemort? Yeah well he looks like Ryan Gosling now and then this is just followed by a series of "FUCKYOU'S" from the universe, babes on trains, hotties on the street...that guy that 'accidentilly' walked into the ladies toilets...No scratch him, not him. I'm pretty sure he is a sexual predator and you made a lucky escape..but the rest is just the cruel joke that is life in a relationship.
 
please read in voldemort voice:"I loved yoooooou once but yooooooou can't have me now"


I do kind of stray in relationships even in the ones where I am dating people way out of my league and I know it. I don't mean that I go around banging other people but there has been the occasional kiss and the "I know I shouldn't be doing this" moment ...but more so just being a massive flirt or saying things that I know I'm not meant to say like "If I wasn't in a relationship" No! Bad! You're not allowed to say that stuff. I suppose if anything when I am seeing somebody, I still flirt with the idea of seeing other people which then makes me paranoid and jealous that the person I'm seeing is doing the same thing. That ass hole! How could he?

I tend to care about a person about 10x more after we break up...then multiply that by about a hundred if they broke up with me...oh yeah prepare yourself for a series of drunk phone calls and texts that switch between bootie calls and "I hate you"s. I used to think I could never be 'that girl' but it turns out that I can and I am awfully good at it.

I am single, yes because I am a maniac in relationships.
I am single because recently the selection of men I've had to choose from are borderline stalkers, toothless wonders and drunk dudes that don't know how to speak...I don't know, maybe it's just me being fussy?
I am also not actively looking...I don't know if some people in relationships believe that the mind of a person that isn't in a relationship is just one track playing over and over "gotta find somebody to validate me".

Look my life is fine ok. I do high kicks to Tom Jones and when I catch the bus in the afternoon and the drunk old guy sitting next to me says "You're haaawt" ...well I think that might be what he says it could be "You're a whore"...Either way Mammas still got it.

Secrets, lies and blurred lines and my inability to ask new friends out

I don’t often tell people a ‘secret’ and expect them not to tell anybody. I generally expect that they will tell at least one person and if the goss is juicy enough, that one person tells another and it spreads like Chlamydia.

I think about it and work out our mutual friends and gage the likeliness of it getting back to somebody else and getting me in trouble(….the secret I mean…my STI metaphor is over)

If the secret is about me, it’s fair to say that I don’t have too many left anyway. I like to think I’m a little more careful with other peoples secrets.

But I think there needs to be more rules about secret keeping.

THE STUFF YOU CAN’T SAY

I’m pretty honest with my opinion of people…I mean I’m civil and professional to the people who control my pay check and I don’t go out of my way to say mean things…especially to anyone who can beat me in a fight…so anyone over the age of 5... Basically I just go around picking on toddlers…

I have very little problem telling people that I DON’T like them but big problems telling them that I do… I’m not just talking about when I have a crush on a dude and cant get the words out…

Oh boy! this goes far beyond the realms of people that I wanna bang…

have you ever wanted to ask somebody on a friend date and not known how?

…you know when you meet somebody and you just think they are amazing and you want to be their best pal…but asking them out seems too much like asking them ‘out’ so you just don’t and instead hope that you bump into each other somewhere…because your leading questions lead you to nowhere?

　


…Ok that didn‘t actually happen but its not THAT far from the truth…

Anyway social awkwardness aside I was trying to drive the conversation into the topic of concealing information… good shift Michaela…(I think I just wanted to include my cool cartoon.)

I sometimes wonder if not telling somebody something is as bad as lying… but then if it comes to feelings who actually wants to know what you’re feeling all the time?

I’m borderline bipolar and I’m certain that there’s a touch of ADD in there somewhere too because my attention span is miniscule (while writing this I‘ve been painting my nails, bopping along to Britney spears and had about 6 toilet breaks) so my inner monologue goes a little like this: “I‘m happy…. I‘m hungry….I need to pee… I‘m angry…. I need to pee…that chair is a nice shade of green…imagine if humans all had green skin…I want body paint ….and lime cordial…I need to pee”

Do you know how many times a day I’d get punched in the face if I voiced all my thoughts?

So what stuff do you get in trouble for not telling? And when are you not meant to tell?…and when is it better to just tell a little white lie?

Life is confusing. Lucky you have me to make up rules that don’t really apply anywhere but in my own mind…

Also I can't even ask friends out properly and am about to start referring to a fictional girl named Sally who’s 5 years old and who I’ll be using for my examples of my logic. Spoiler: Sally is a bitch

I will not blame you if you check out right now. Its only going to get worse.


　


WHAT’S A SECRET?

So we’ve already established that when somebody says they aren’t going to tell anyone that they are probably going to tell SOMEONE… even if you say “Don‘t tell anyone!”

…but sometimes somebody tells you something and you don’t really realise that its TOP-SECRET…because you don’t think its really that big o deal and then you get punched by 5 year old Sally because you told David that she wants to play catch and kiss with him…and Sally fights mean. WELL SALLY YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID TOP SECRET…that should be a thing.

My tendency to lie by accident

I sometimes confuse my dreams with reality…especially when drinking PLUS I think I have a naturally distorted memory as it is so sometimes I lie without even knowing it… Its never gotten me into any serious trouble but I suspect its not really ‘a good thing’.

I also sometimes exaggerate a story for entertainment purposes.. then follow it with “Yeah sorry that probably didn‘t happen”…then retell the story and its about 1/18^th as exciting as my fun version.

WHITE LIES

Have you ever had somebody come up to you and point out that you have a giant pimple on your face? As if you didn’t know…even though you’ve clearly tried to cover it in ten layers of concealer? Or tell you that you’ve gained weight?

Thanks man, I had no idea, I hadn’t worked out why my old jeans didn’t fit and I just got clothes in a larger size for fun…

Oh what’s that? You don’t like my hair cut THANKS I’ll quickly grow it back for you.

What the fuck dude? Just shut the fuck up.

I can’t understand people who are THAT tactless. Have you heard of the concept of keeping your mouth shut? If my opinion isn’t asked for and my thoughts are unkind, I usually don’t speak my mind…except to Sally…because she’s a bitch.

Seriously though when it comes to comments on somebody’s appearance why do you need to say anything if you aren’t asked? That person obviously felt comfortable enough to leave the house looking the way that they do and unless you are pointing out a nip slip or something that they are clearly unaware of THEN BE QUIET.

Yes, I want to know if I have food in my teeth or if my my dress is tucked into my undies, no I do not care if you think I look better as a brunette…If I was concerned I would ask.

If my friend asks me something straight out like “Do I look ok in this?” I will answer honestly because I think white lies are for cowards…or customer service.

“I think you‘d look better in this”… Good answer, honest but sensitive… a lesson in not being a douche. … Also ‘this’ is referring to another dress that suits them…not a paper bag for their head…how mean are you? Thinking I’d make my friend wear a paper bag?..I would NEVER DO THAT…unless it was Sally because Sally is a bitch

REAL LIES

I feel like there was a time in primary school where I was ok at lying or at least I thought I was ok at it. My class was in the Library and we were talking about firemen and how they save lives and then I said that my dad was a fireman…I don’t really know why, it just seemed like a good thing to say… and everyone was momentarily jealous and I guess I’ve always been a bit of an attention seeker.

A little later Mrs O came in and ruined everything. The librarian tells her how we’d been talking about firemen and how its such a coincidence that my dad is one…but Mrs O knew my parents and gives a loud “No he’s not!”

MRS O YOU BITCH! YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY TEACHER! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE RUINING MY GLORY OF BEING THE DAUGHTER OF A FIREMAN? GET FUCKED… yeah I didn’t say that…I’m pretty sure I hardly talked for the rest of the day.



Since then my attempt at lying are almost always foiled. I am just no good. I forget an important detail even if it’s a planned lie like calling in sick …

“Oh sorry its my friends birthday, I can‘t work that day”

Oh man I can’t wait to watch Scrubs in bed while eating Pringles

“Where’s it at?”

“Where’s what at?”

“Your friends birthday?”

SHIT “The zoo”

“Oh which zoo?”

QUICK SAY SOMETHING “Campbelltown”

“There’s a zoo in Campbelltown?”

Fuck! “Oh sorry, I meant the pet store”

“She’s having a party at the pet store?”

“No….she‘s getting a puppy…and she wants to take it to the zoo…for her party…the real zoo that exists and that I didn‘t just make up so I don‘t have to work”

 

Ok so I only lie for comic effect…and to get out of work… and to get out of other things….I probably lie a lot more that I realised when I started writing this.

When a creepy dude asked me if I had a boyfriend I said

‘Yes’

Oh what’s his name?

‘Kyle’

What’s his last name?

‘Simpson’

Yes I did combine my high school boyfriends name and favourite childhood cartoon name to create a fake boyfriend name that I use to scare off dudes with several missing teeth who try to tune me at the bus stop.

I judge you for reading this far...this was really poorly constructed

My future-self…I may not be Mary Poppins but I’ve got mad paint skillzz

I have a lot of expectations for my future-self… and I don’t mean myself in ten years or even one year…often I expect Michaela in five minutes to be a lot more of a motivated person than Michaela right now …so when my alarm goes of at 6am...well I reset it for 6:05...because I cant handle waking up…. but do you know who can? Future me! Probably…not

Current me:



My expectation for future me:



Just look how happy she is!

I purchase outfits that are too small because while I like to eat meringues and lay about watching bad tv, I know that future me is willing to eat healthy and exercise more often…maybe?

I decide to wash my sheets just before I go out because I know that future drunk me will be good at making beds…I pretty much think I am going to be Mary Poppins which is insane because I can’t even whistle and I look ridiculous in white…



I spend all my money this week even though I’m not getting paid for a fortnight because I know that  while current me enjoys living like a queen, wearing new fancy clothes, going to shows and dining at extravagant restaurants…future me is almost certainly/probably ok with living on the street and giving out bjs for 5 cents to slightly richer hobos… I’m not that into giving bjs to hobos right now…but I’m sure future me will like it. Future me is very versatile.



And when I’m drunk I send texts and leave voicemails for everybody I know, telling them exactly what I think of them because I know that morning hung-over me will appreciate my honesty and not at all want to punch myself in the face.



The result?

I wake up at 6:05 angry and hung-over on the floor because instead of making my bed when I got home I just looked at it, growled and threw my bag at it angrily then collapsed where I was standing. Then I look at my phone and its full of messages saying “What the fuck Michaela?” because I told half the people I know that I want to make out with them and the other half that I want to punch them and both of these statements got the same reaction. Also there is a hobo here who I just gave a blow job…I don’t know why because we’re still in week one of being paid…maybe I just felt generous?…also I’m lying but only about the hobo…the rest is pretty accurate.

I like to believe that future me will be more realistic in my expectations for myself … but that statement in itself is probably expecting a bit much

Why can I see your chest pubes?Why are you wearing thongs over socks? And other fashion trends that baffle normal people

I enjoy fashion but there are some trends that just don‘t make senses to me….

As a general rule I think that looking good is mostly about attitude, if you think you look good, you do…with a few exceptions

Thongs over socks- and other weather contradicting clothing

Sandals and thongs are made for summer…for when its too hot to wear real shoes.

You don’t under any circumstances need to wear them with socks…apart from looking ridiculous it just makes no sense! If your feet are cold, there are miraculous inventions called enclosed shoes which are specifically designed to cover your WHOLE FOOT (wow?)…


Don't be 'that guy'

Beanies worn with singlets are the stupidest look. I always see dudes wearing those super baggy singlets that show off their nips and THEN they pair it with a beanie I’M SORRY WHAT? So your nipples are hot? …are those three chest pubes that I can see keeping them warm?…but your head is cold?…even though there is an unlimited supply of Hanson style hair on your scalp? Please tell me why. You look like an insane person. Please put on a real shirt and take that thing that looks like a used condom off your head NOW.


or that guy

Fake knock offs-

stop trying to pretend you can afford Chanel. You think you look fab but EVERYBODY knows it’s a fake. Do you know how expensive Chanel is?

The first hint that it‘s a fake? People who own anything that fits into the category of authentic haute couture do not pair it with thongs and a shitty fake tan…unless the bag was given to them by a rival company to drive down the value…I hear that’s how Snooki gets all that expensive shit…do you want to be like Snooki? …

And while we are at it Chanel don't make fingernails...do you know who do? $20 a session workers at a nail salon.  Next time tell them to skip the  fake )( symbol on your nails and go with shellac colour.
You do not need a tacky symbol on your bag to look good and your cheap knock offs are still probably more expensive and more likely to fall apart than an adorable bag from Collette.

Denim underwear…and clothes that don’t fit

If you’ve got it flaunt it…well kind of. There are short shorts and they look good on women with great bottoms…We all envied Kyle Minogue in that spinning around video, wearing those tiny shorts…that’s the kind of ass that CAN wear those shorts

Then there’s denim underwear…which looks good on zero percent of the population. Please believe me when I say this, I.can.see.your.pubes.
Lets confirm- chest pubes out- bad look. Front bottom pubes- also a bad look. Ok. Glad I cleared that up.

Considerd hot 10 years ago:

Not considerd hot....ever:

There is a rule in fashion that women should know and abide by whenever they are in public and that is “Show 40 % of flesh,”. I’m pretty sure I read this in cleo when I was 13 and any fashionista will tell you its true, beyond that 40 % is a world of trashy that you can only get away with if you are performing onstage or at the beach otherwise NO and to denim underwear ALWAYS NO.

Clothes with words-where to draw the line.

I like funny shirts ok, I’m THAT girl. I will laugh at a guy who’s shirt says “Pants”…Its funny ok, his shirt says “pants” and its CLEARLY a shirt. THAT MAKES ME LAUGH…



what makes me laugh in a altogether different way are shirts that try to be “cheeky” but are not actually clever or funny…and more come across as sleazy

Eg:1% angel 99% devil…what is that? Its not even remotely intelligent? I had to waste 2 seconds trying to pretend I wasn’t looking at your boobs to read that? Seriously? Go away




Your clothes can have writing if you’re sending a message…I’m not going to punch you for wearing a shirt that says “save the whales”…I might laugh if you’re a fatty though hhaha ‘save the whales’ GOOD ONE!

Catchphrases or movie slogans are universally accepted as being ok. I like them because I think a persons movie taste says a lot about them and a person who wears a shirt with a picture or slogan from a movie is probably really into that movie…as in they probably ordered it online for a stupid amount of money and waited 8 weeks for it to be shipped here…if a person likes a movie THAT MUCH they should be allowed to wear that shirt. Also they are conversation starters.

‘Vote for pedro’. You seem like a hip guy. You intrigue me…Did you like the movie that much that you’re still wearing the shirt? Are you wearing it ironically… I don’t know? I bet people just point at you and go “ha! Napoleon Dynamite” …it’s a conversation starter, I get it. Wear the shirt, if it makes you happy to wear the shirt, just wear it.

Shirts with Fonzie on them make me want to be your friend, mostly because I feel like you won’t be intimidating if you’re wearing a Fonzie shirt..because I like The Fonz and I am not the least bit cool.


Cut offs-
Get away from me you abomination! Why god why?




ONLY FOR COMEDY PURPOSES
otherwise:NEVER