Secrets, lies and blurred lines and my inability to ask new friends out

I don’t often tell people a ‘secret’ and expect them not to tell anybody. I generally expect that they will tell at least one person and if the goss is juicy enough, that one person tells another and it spreads like Chlamydia.

I think about it and work out our mutual friends and gage the likeliness of it getting back to somebody else and getting me in trouble(….the secret I mean…my STI metaphor is over)

If the secret is about me, it’s fair to say that I don’t have too many left anyway. I like to think I’m a little more careful with other peoples secrets.

But I think there needs to be more rules about secret keeping.

THE STUFF YOU CAN’T SAY

I’m pretty honest with my opinion of people…I mean I’m civil and professional to the people who control my pay check and I don’t go out of my way to say mean things…especially to anyone who can beat me in a fight…so anyone over the age of 5... Basically I just go around picking on toddlers…

I have very little problem telling people that I DON’T like them but big problems telling them that I do… I’m not just talking about when I have a crush on a dude and cant get the words out…

Oh boy! this goes far beyond the realms of people that I wanna bang…

have you ever wanted to ask somebody on a friend date and not known how?

…you know when you meet somebody and you just think they are amazing and you want to be their best pal…but asking them out seems too much like asking them ‘out’ so you just don’t and instead hope that you bump into each other somewhere…because your leading questions lead you to nowhere?

　


…Ok that didn‘t actually happen but its not THAT far from the truth…

Anyway social awkwardness aside I was trying to drive the conversation into the topic of concealing information… good shift Michaela…(I think I just wanted to include my cool cartoon.)

I sometimes wonder if not telling somebody something is as bad as lying… but then if it comes to feelings who actually wants to know what you’re feeling all the time?

I’m borderline bipolar and I’m certain that there’s a touch of ADD in there somewhere too because my attention span is miniscule (while writing this I‘ve been painting my nails, bopping along to Britney spears and had about 6 toilet breaks) so my inner monologue goes a little like this: “I‘m happy…. I‘m hungry….I need to pee… I‘m angry…. I need to pee…that chair is a nice shade of green…imagine if humans all had green skin…I want body paint ….and lime cordial…I need to pee”

Do you know how many times a day I’d get punched in the face if I voiced all my thoughts?

So what stuff do you get in trouble for not telling? And when are you not meant to tell?…and when is it better to just tell a little white lie?

Life is confusing. Lucky you have me to make up rules that don’t really apply anywhere but in my own mind…

Also I can't even ask friends out properly and am about to start referring to a fictional girl named Sally who’s 5 years old and who I’ll be using for my examples of my logic. Spoiler: Sally is a bitch

I will not blame you if you check out right now. Its only going to get worse.


　


WHAT’S A SECRET?

So we’ve already established that when somebody says they aren’t going to tell anyone that they are probably going to tell SOMEONE… even if you say “Don‘t tell anyone!”

…but sometimes somebody tells you something and you don’t really realise that its TOP-SECRET…because you don’t think its really that big o deal and then you get punched by 5 year old Sally because you told David that she wants to play catch and kiss with him…and Sally fights mean. WELL SALLY YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID TOP SECRET…that should be a thing.

My tendency to lie by accident

I sometimes confuse my dreams with reality…especially when drinking PLUS I think I have a naturally distorted memory as it is so sometimes I lie without even knowing it… Its never gotten me into any serious trouble but I suspect its not really ‘a good thing’.

I also sometimes exaggerate a story for entertainment purposes.. then follow it with “Yeah sorry that probably didn‘t happen”…then retell the story and its about 1/18^th as exciting as my fun version.

WHITE LIES

Have you ever had somebody come up to you and point out that you have a giant pimple on your face? As if you didn’t know…even though you’ve clearly tried to cover it in ten layers of concealer? Or tell you that you’ve gained weight?

Thanks man, I had no idea, I hadn’t worked out why my old jeans didn’t fit and I just got clothes in a larger size for fun…

Oh what’s that? You don’t like my hair cut THANKS I’ll quickly grow it back for you.

What the fuck dude? Just shut the fuck up.

I can’t understand people who are THAT tactless. Have you heard of the concept of keeping your mouth shut? If my opinion isn’t asked for and my thoughts are unkind, I usually don’t speak my mind…except to Sally…because she’s a bitch.

Seriously though when it comes to comments on somebody’s appearance why do you need to say anything if you aren’t asked? That person obviously felt comfortable enough to leave the house looking the way that they do and unless you are pointing out a nip slip or something that they are clearly unaware of THEN BE QUIET.

Yes, I want to know if I have food in my teeth or if my my dress is tucked into my undies, no I do not care if you think I look better as a brunette…If I was concerned I would ask.

If my friend asks me something straight out like “Do I look ok in this?” I will answer honestly because I think white lies are for cowards…or customer service.

“I think you‘d look better in this”… Good answer, honest but sensitive… a lesson in not being a douche. … Also ‘this’ is referring to another dress that suits them…not a paper bag for their head…how mean are you? Thinking I’d make my friend wear a paper bag?..I would NEVER DO THAT…unless it was Sally because Sally is a bitch

REAL LIES

I feel like there was a time in primary school where I was ok at lying or at least I thought I was ok at it. My class was in the Library and we were talking about firemen and how they save lives and then I said that my dad was a fireman…I don’t really know why, it just seemed like a good thing to say… and everyone was momentarily jealous and I guess I’ve always been a bit of an attention seeker.

A little later Mrs O came in and ruined everything. The librarian tells her how we’d been talking about firemen and how its such a coincidence that my dad is one…but Mrs O knew my parents and gives a loud “No he’s not!”

MRS O YOU BITCH! YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY TEACHER! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE RUINING MY GLORY OF BEING THE DAUGHTER OF A FIREMAN? GET FUCKED… yeah I didn’t say that…I’m pretty sure I hardly talked for the rest of the day.



Since then my attempt at lying are almost always foiled. I am just no good. I forget an important detail even if it’s a planned lie like calling in sick …

“Oh sorry its my friends birthday, I can‘t work that day”

Oh man I can’t wait to watch Scrubs in bed while eating Pringles

“Where’s it at?”

“Where’s what at?”

“Your friends birthday?”

SHIT “The zoo”

“Oh which zoo?”

QUICK SAY SOMETHING “Campbelltown”

“There’s a zoo in Campbelltown?”

Fuck! “Oh sorry, I meant the pet store”

“She’s having a party at the pet store?”

“No….she‘s getting a puppy…and she wants to take it to the zoo…for her party…the real zoo that exists and that I didn‘t just make up so I don‘t have to work”

 

Ok so I only lie for comic effect…and to get out of work… and to get out of other things….I probably lie a lot more that I realised when I started writing this.

When a creepy dude asked me if I had a boyfriend I said

‘Yes’

Oh what’s his name?

‘Kyle’

What’s his last name?

‘Simpson’

Yes I did combine my high school boyfriends name and favourite childhood cartoon name to create a fake boyfriend name that I use to scare off dudes with several missing teeth who try to tune me at the bus stop.

I judge you for reading this far...this was really poorly constructed

My future-self…I may not be Mary Poppins but I’ve got mad paint skillzz

I have a lot of expectations for my future-self… and I don’t mean myself in ten years or even one year…often I expect Michaela in five minutes to be a lot more of a motivated person than Michaela right now …so when my alarm goes of at 6am...well I reset it for 6:05...because I cant handle waking up…. but do you know who can? Future me! Probably…not

Current me:



My expectation for future me:



Just look how happy she is!

I purchase outfits that are too small because while I like to eat meringues and lay about watching bad tv, I know that future me is willing to eat healthy and exercise more often…maybe?

I decide to wash my sheets just before I go out because I know that future drunk me will be good at making beds…I pretty much think I am going to be Mary Poppins which is insane because I can’t even whistle and I look ridiculous in white…



I spend all my money this week even though I’m not getting paid for a fortnight because I know that  while current me enjoys living like a queen, wearing new fancy clothes, going to shows and dining at extravagant restaurants…future me is almost certainly/probably ok with living on the street and giving out bjs for 5 cents to slightly richer hobos… I’m not that into giving bjs to hobos right now…but I’m sure future me will like it. Future me is very versatile.



And when I’m drunk I send texts and leave voicemails for everybody I know, telling them exactly what I think of them because I know that morning hung-over me will appreciate my honesty and not at all want to punch myself in the face.



The result?

I wake up at 6:05 angry and hung-over on the floor because instead of making my bed when I got home I just looked at it, growled and threw my bag at it angrily then collapsed where I was standing. Then I look at my phone and its full of messages saying “What the fuck Michaela?” because I told half the people I know that I want to make out with them and the other half that I want to punch them and both of these statements got the same reaction. Also there is a hobo here who I just gave a blow job…I don’t know why because we’re still in week one of being paid…maybe I just felt generous?…also I’m lying but only about the hobo…the rest is pretty accurate.

I like to believe that future me will be more realistic in my expectations for myself … but that statement in itself is probably expecting a bit much

Why can I see your chest pubes?Why are you wearing thongs over socks? And other fashion trends that baffle normal people

I enjoy fashion but there are some trends that just don‘t make senses to me….

As a general rule I think that looking good is mostly about attitude, if you think you look good, you do…with a few exceptions

Thongs over socks- and other weather contradicting clothing

Sandals and thongs are made for summer…for when its too hot to wear real shoes.

You don’t under any circumstances need to wear them with socks…apart from looking ridiculous it just makes no sense! If your feet are cold, there are miraculous inventions called enclosed shoes which are specifically designed to cover your WHOLE FOOT (wow?)…


Don't be 'that guy'

Beanies worn with singlets are the stupidest look. I always see dudes wearing those super baggy singlets that show off their nips and THEN they pair it with a beanie I’M SORRY WHAT? So your nipples are hot? …are those three chest pubes that I can see keeping them warm?…but your head is cold?…even though there is an unlimited supply of Hanson style hair on your scalp? Please tell me why. You look like an insane person. Please put on a real shirt and take that thing that looks like a used condom off your head NOW.


or that guy

Fake knock offs-

stop trying to pretend you can afford Chanel. You think you look fab but EVERYBODY knows it’s a fake. Do you know how expensive Chanel is?

The first hint that it‘s a fake? People who own anything that fits into the category of authentic haute couture do not pair it with thongs and a shitty fake tan…unless the bag was given to them by a rival company to drive down the value…I hear that’s how Snooki gets all that expensive shit…do you want to be like Snooki? …

And while we are at it Chanel don't make fingernails...do you know who do? $20 a session workers at a nail salon.  Next time tell them to skip the  fake )( symbol on your nails and go with shellac colour.
You do not need a tacky symbol on your bag to look good and your cheap knock offs are still probably more expensive and more likely to fall apart than an adorable bag from Collette.

Denim underwear…and clothes that don’t fit

If you’ve got it flaunt it…well kind of. There are short shorts and they look good on women with great bottoms…We all envied Kyle Minogue in that spinning around video, wearing those tiny shorts…that’s the kind of ass that CAN wear those shorts

Then there’s denim underwear…which looks good on zero percent of the population. Please believe me when I say this, I.can.see.your.pubes.
Lets confirm- chest pubes out- bad look. Front bottom pubes- also a bad look. Ok. Glad I cleared that up.

Considerd hot 10 years ago:

Not considerd hot....ever:

There is a rule in fashion that women should know and abide by whenever they are in public and that is “Show 40 % of flesh,”. I’m pretty sure I read this in cleo when I was 13 and any fashionista will tell you its true, beyond that 40 % is a world of trashy that you can only get away with if you are performing onstage or at the beach otherwise NO and to denim underwear ALWAYS NO.

Clothes with words-where to draw the line.

I like funny shirts ok, I’m THAT girl. I will laugh at a guy who’s shirt says “Pants”…Its funny ok, his shirt says “pants” and its CLEARLY a shirt. THAT MAKES ME LAUGH…



what makes me laugh in a altogether different way are shirts that try to be “cheeky” but are not actually clever or funny…and more come across as sleazy

Eg:1% angel 99% devil…what is that? Its not even remotely intelligent? I had to waste 2 seconds trying to pretend I wasn’t looking at your boobs to read that? Seriously? Go away




Your clothes can have writing if you’re sending a message…I’m not going to punch you for wearing a shirt that says “save the whales”…I might laugh if you’re a fatty though hhaha ‘save the whales’ GOOD ONE!

Catchphrases or movie slogans are universally accepted as being ok. I like them because I think a persons movie taste says a lot about them and a person who wears a shirt with a picture or slogan from a movie is probably really into that movie…as in they probably ordered it online for a stupid amount of money and waited 8 weeks for it to be shipped here…if a person likes a movie THAT MUCH they should be allowed to wear that shirt. Also they are conversation starters.

‘Vote for pedro’. You seem like a hip guy. You intrigue me…Did you like the movie that much that you’re still wearing the shirt? Are you wearing it ironically… I don’t know? I bet people just point at you and go “ha! Napoleon Dynamite” …it’s a conversation starter, I get it. Wear the shirt, if it makes you happy to wear the shirt, just wear it.

Shirts with Fonzie on them make me want to be your friend, mostly because I feel like you won’t be intimidating if you’re wearing a Fonzie shirt..because I like The Fonz and I am not the least bit cool.


Cut offs-
Get away from me you abomination! Why god why?




ONLY FOR COMEDY PURPOSES
otherwise:NEVER

Valentines day-tips to get you laid

First off. I want to begin by saying that I don't hate Valentines day. I've never had a truly amazing one but I‘m not a completely cynical single gal.

I think it is great in a sense because if you are crushing on somebody it might give you the added confidence to be all “Hey I like you” and if you’re already with somebody it gives you the chance to say “I‘m glad I found you” so that’s pretty neat.

Though I do have a bone to pick with Vday and maybe a tip or two for people who have their heart set on doing the whole cliché gift thing this year.

Myth: All girls love flowers

Flowers are a crap gift...unless they are orange. I think of flowers as being one of those 'I actually don't know you at all' type gifts and in the worst way ...because they die pretty fast.

Teddies are another lame one…but then again if you like somebody and they get you a shitty gift it can still be kind of special. Are you writing this down boys? Unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure that she already likes you then do not get her flowers because the only thing that will die faster than those roses is her already dim affection toward you…but all is not lost, I will give you some gift ideas later that are sure to woo her…even if you are not that amazing…which lets face it if you are taking advice from me, your options are probably pretty slim.

Make it personal:

The best valentines gift I've ever received (not that its a competition but yeah it kinda is) was a Family guy key-ring from this boy that I liked . He also gave me a toy bee that said something like 'bee mine'... This saved it from being another lame stuffed toy because I fucking love puns. Anyway I loved it because I felt like it was a gift that said 'hi. I actually know you. I know that you think Stewie Griffin is the best and I know that you will laugh at a bad pun'…. And that’s what I think gift giving should be like …rather than red roses which sort of say “It’s what the other dudes were doing and today about a billion other gals will get roses so yeah I didn‘t think too much about making this a really personal gift…but it did cost me $12.99...sooooo wanna bang anyway?” No. She does not.

Michaela’s gift ideas (Guaranteed to get you laid***)

Ok I know I said that teddy bears are lame but you know when something is so pathetic that it goes beyond the realms of being shit and becomes good again? Ok No? Mike Myers is really good at it… when a joke starts of funny then gets ridiculous…then gets so ridiculous that its funny….well I want you to think of Valentines day as being Austin Powers…and I don’t mean that I want you to start talking in a shitty British accent…I want you to think of the cheesiest thing ever…then do something even cheesier.

I am talking make a mix tape…with a card that includes why you chose each song…please try to include as many puns as possible….and then a shitty drawing on the front…don’t worry if you cant actually draw because it will probably make it better. For brownie points, include a song that you wrote yourself…again don’t worry if its bad, they will think its really sweet that you tried and you will definitely get pity-sex.

Alternatively Van Gogh seemed like a pretty romantic dude…Why not give a loved one a piece of you this Vday? I wouldn’t cut off an ear though if I was you …or limb that you particularly needed…like your arm…maybe just a toe or something so a piece of you will always be with them…don’t have any second thoughts or wonder “Is this creepy?” totally.not.creepy.

***Disclaimer: Michaela will not be held liable if you do not get laid using these tips…you should actually consider that attempting any of these this a reflection of your own insanity and seek help. I mean really? Why are you taking my advice? These are all terrible suggestions




this guy knows^^^^

Addiction and how I think celebrities are other celebrities

My Addiction

Addiction is easy to talk about because I have an extremely addictive personality. In fact my biggest issue is going to be trying to fit all my addictions (and thoughts on addiction) into less than 2 pages….because I’m addicted to talking.

Milkyways-my gateway drug

Ever since I was little I have been obsessed with milky way chocolates. When I first moved out of home I seriously went days where that’s all I would eat…and then spend half of those days on the toilet screaming “Milky ways, you will milky pay for what you are doing to my ass” (…ha! I did it!… barely even a paragraph in and I’m talking about my bowel movements…)

I tried rationing and trying to use them as a reward like “you finish this essay and you can have 1”…but then I would just get ahead of myself and eat them all. Now I don’t keep them in the house and definitely do not buy packets because I just can’t be trusted…

This little anecdote kind of sums up how I see addiction; If I find something I like and stick with it until it makes me sick enough to stop….and that’s kind of how I think it is for most people, you keep doing it until you lose something you care about…for me I lost control of my bowels…and I care about that.

IMDB

Another thing about addiction is that whole idea of replacing the ritual that they teach alcoholics…you know when you spend your time NOT doing something you end up needing to fill that time with something else. Eg: I am not eating milky ways and subsequently spending 127 minutes on the toilet so now I have time to watch a movie.

I have the most unhealthy addiction to film and tv so its fitting that after Facebook and google that my most visited website would be imdb.

If I am watching a movie and decide that I’ve seen the actor somewhere else, I then feel the need to 100% confirm it, I will track that mother fucker down by all means necessary… (by which I mean I will go on imdb)

I am possibly the most annoying person to watch a movie with for the fact that I am wrong about 70% of the time so even if we get to go back to the movie I will probably sit there shaking my head for the rest of it saying “I was so sure it was them”…so maybe I also have an addiction to never being wrong.

Here are some of the faces I have confused:

https://

I often wish life had an instant imdb search so that the next time a marginally attractive person calls me by my name I could hit the search button and learn their name and work out where I know them from… then I would stop calling people weird made up names or saying “hey….yooooou”

Other addictions of mine:

Painting my nails

My fingernails are generally painted up like little tuxedos or watermelons. I spend way more time on them than most people could generally be bothered with

Shoes

I’ve lost count but I must be up to over 100 pairs by now yet still lay around saying “I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR”



Zach Braff

You know it

Music:

Yes I know, everyone likes music but I get really hooked on ONE song and play it on repeat for weeks. When I first heard Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard in Highschool, I played it for a really really long time and everybody in my house hated me and now when I find I new song that I love I refer to it as “My new Ocean Avenue” and my sister knows to keep her door shut for a month or so in order to avoid hearing “I‘m Not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with yooooou do do do do do do do do do do”





Addictions that annoy me (it wouldn‘t be me of I didn‘t complain):

Smoking

Smoking stresses me for a lot of reasons. Chiefly because I highly doubt anyone has their first cigarette and just loves it…its not like other drugs that give a quick release…it takes some getting used to before you start to enjoy or crave it.

I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong but when I finally tried a cigarette for the first time a few years back I just coughed and spat and felt gross…which is why I don’t understand how a person takes it up as a habit to begin with, knowing that it is going to make you feel awful and cost a lot of money…but I guess you look oh so cool doing it so ok…personally I just dress like The Fonz and say “Beey” a lot when I want to be cool…I changed it to “Beeey” rather that ‘Eeey’ because I call myself the Blond Fonzie or ‘Blonzie’ and I wanted to have my own blonde catchphrase…oh and if you’re reading this and thinking “NOWAY! She‘s lying, she couldn‘t possibly be THAT cool”… my sister will tell you all about it…but my sister has a disorder where she says things are ‘annoying’ when she actually means that they are ‘cool’ so disregard when she says “Yes she does it and its very annoying”…she DEFINITELY means cool.

I digress. Basically, I feel like people have the right to smoke if they want to but so many believe they have the right to do it anywhere they want. No, I believe you have the right to pollute your own body but non smokers have the right to breathe clean air.

The area out the front of the café I work at is Non-Smoking, there are signs everywhere. Its non-smoking because people dining there don’t want a side of fucking cancer with their decaf soy latte…. But guaranteed daily, somebody smokes there or questions why they can’t smoke there.

If you smoke around me, I’ll usually stand back but I‘m not among the category of people who feel the need to stand there telling you to give it up because its bad for you….I do loads of things that are bad for me but If you smoke in my face, I will get the shits. If you smoke near a child, I will think you are a moron.

Phones

People who can’t put their phones down when they are in the company of other people seriously annoy me. If I’m waiting for a call I will apologise and tell the person I’m with but it stresses me out when somebody asks to hang out and then spends the entire time texting somebody else.

At work, people always come in on their phones, make their order and then if you need to confirm anything they look at you like you’re interrupting them. Um asshole that’s rude!

I want to give these texting freaks and people who talk on their phones a taste of their own medicine…yeah punk! How about when you’re talking to me I will just turn and talk to somebody else, because that’s how it feels when you do that.

People addictions

Ok this may sound a little contradictory because I listed Zb as one of my addictions but people that get overly fixated on other people stress me out. I am talking real world not fantasy maybe-if-we-ever-meet-we-might-get-married world…because I am not ruling that out (Zach Braff call me!)

Anyway…you know when your friend gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend or perhaps just makes a new pal and suddenly life revolves around that one person.

For the sake of explanation, I’m going to call this one person ‘Eglantine’ because its not a very common name to hopefully it won’t offend…oh and if your name is Eglantine its cool because this isn’t about you…so lets just clarify, if your name isn’t Eglantine, this isn’t about you and if your name IS Eglantine, this still isn’t about you…Ok? Good lets start…

Eglantine comes along and now even if you and Bob (Bobs your pal ok…or Bobita if it’s a girl…Sorry if your name is Bob/Bobita….fuck I don’t have time for this)…so now you and Bob/Bobita cant hang out as much which is ok but then when you do actually see Bob/Bobita all he/she does is talk about Eglantine(Eglatinis if it’s a boy) so if he/she is not talking about Eglantine/Elatinis (lets just say ‘Egg’ for short)…if THEY are not talking about Egg its because Egg is there…so Egg is always there, whether in body or spirit because everything is about Egg…then they break up with Egg or stop hanging out with egg and you think “phew its over” but now they just keep talking about Egg even more. Yeah I feel like I’ve lost you

Basically I am pretty independent for the most part, I hate being reliant on one specific person. Even when I’m madly in love I need a break from people in general to keep my sanity… so people that can not get through a sentence without making reference to their ‘other half’… or basically anyone who refers to their boyfriend/girlfriend as their ‘other half’ stress me out. You are a complete person. Be in love for sure, that’s awesome but if you rely on another person to fill all your time and make you happy then I probably find you a bit annoying…

….What’s that? I’m running out of room because I’ve spent too much of it trying to make up pseudo names and talking about Milky ways and shitting? Are you serious? Whatever I was totally in the mood for some scrambled EGGS anyway

When I was a kid...

I have loads of random memories from my childhood. I’m not even sure if some are real…for me trying to remember things from when I was a kid is much like when you drink too much and wake up the next morning trying to decipher your dreams from reality and then you see a new friend request on Facebook and realise that you DID make out with that gross guy with the awful white-boy afro who was wearing some Jurassic Park shirt (possibly ironically…but then again maybe not)…It then becomes clear that you weren’t actually hanging out with Sarah Silverman and Samuel Jackson…and a unicorn…in Japan…. on a rainbow. Yeah

I say this because often my more exciting memories probably aren’t true…or not entirely true anyway. You know that whole thing about “There‘s three sides to every story, your version, their version and the truth”?… I’ve always loved that. I love hearing somebody retell something that just happened and how each time they tell it its more exaggerated. Sometimes its obvious that they are lying for dramatic effect and sometimes its clear that they really do believe that something happened…like once I REALLY genuinely thought I saw Jack Nicolson at Club 77 and tried to find him again and this guy was like “Look either your lying or you‘re fucking stupid”…I think I was just super drunk…but anyway.
I’ve always loved that as a film technique though, showing a situation from different characters point of view and how much our sense of reality can vary.
Something happened when I was 5 that my friend Mel and I recall so clearly, so I know it happened because we’ve talked about it BUT nobody else recalls.
We decided it would be funny to draw a giant X in my yard and tell my younger brother, Zac and her younger sister, Kara that there was buried treasure. They dug a hole in the yard trying to find the treasure at which point my Auntie Sandra who was taking care of us that day, came out and saw it then Mel and I get in trouble for making them do it…and we had to sit in the ‘poo corner’ which was like the naughty corner…there wasn’t actual poo there. It was a name that my parents got from my preschool. Anyway, my Mum and Dad do not recall anyone digging a hole in the yard, nor do Auntie Sandra or either of our siblings…but we know it happened.

Here are some other things that I remember(in all their vagueness):
-I know I have mentioned it before but one thing I remember is my first ever crush and even though I have still never learnt his name and it’s all kinds of political incorrectness to refer to him as “the black boy from the kids tv show ‘Lift off’ ….”…. I just did. I remember not really understanding the concept of ‘acting’ and just feeling like he was my friend…trapped in a tv screen…who only visited at 9 am on weekdays. If anyone knows him, tell him to give me a call but leave out the part where I referred to him as “the black boy”

-I remember Barbie dolls and how when I got to a certain age, my friends and I would pretend that we didn’t play with them anymore …but then still would secretly in pairs…. It was like this underground club that we all knew about but weren’t supposed to talk about… The first rule of Barbie club is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT BARBIE CLUB…THE SECOND RULE OF BARBIE CLUB IS YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT BARBIE CLUB… I remember pretending that the wooden ladder on my bunk beds were apartments for the barbies… then I used to make them have sex with each other but in those days I thought that sex was just two people being in their underwear next to each other so I’d make Barbie and Ken be in the same apartment in their plastic undies…WHAT A PERVE.

-I remember how I stole a plastic ring once from BIG W and my mum got mad.
I remember that I stole another ring from this girl who was staying with neighbours of ours then I said to Mum “I‘m going outside to look for jewellery in the garden”…and I pretended that I found it in our yard and Mum made me take it back… I don’t know what tipped her off…that plan sounds pretty flawless…
I also used to try and claim rings that were found at my primary school…
I was pretty into stealing rings apparently…I think the obsession stopped around grade 2...mostly because I am a shocking liar and always had to end up giving them back.

-I remember never really getting sick much as a child…well I got the chicken pox but I was never sick like I am now with a new kind of cold each week. I remember that my brother and I both lied once about being sick on the same day to get out of school…only he was smart enough to come up with an actual illness and I just said “I‘m sick”. So my parents made us do jobs around the house to ensure that we had a horrible day off and wouldn’t lie about being sick anymore.

-There is a story that my family still joke about and a catchphrase that I’ve earned, called “I‘ll get the drinks”. Its origin is derived from the time we had to clean the cubby house and I split the tasks between my brother and sister…you dust…you sweep…and me? …I’ll get the drinks…at which point I disappeared for an extended period of time and eventually returned with only one drink…for me then said something along the lines of “Oh sorry did you want some too?”…then disappeared again.

-I do not remember a lot from preschool except that they always gave us devon on our sandwiches…no not the 90’s heartthrob Devon Sawa who starred in Casper…but that crap manufactured meat that when I eat now still reminds me of preschool.
I also have a hilarious group portrait that my parents paid good money for where I can easily be identified and the girl in the polka dot dress…pulling a monkey face.

So to sum up I was a lying, sly, ring stealing child, who was also a bit of a perve and told lies both to get out of doing things and because I thought it was funny to mess with people…(the pointless lying bit is still the same and I am still terrible at it but it does not deter me from trying…no matter how many times people tell me to leave them alone when I try to convince them that I read that Taylor Swift is a lesbian or that my dog was in a Kmart add) and now karma has caught up with me and I get the flu much more often than I did back then…oh yeah and I ate devon.

Flirting

Flirting is something that’s never really come easily to me.
I seem to get constantly hit on by people when I feel like I am doing everything in my power to show them I’m uninterested …yet struggle to get noticed by anyone that I am actually interested in…I’ve contemplated reversing my tactics…like completely ignoring the person I am crushing on or punching them in the face…and then dancing and using pickup lines on guys that I want to leave me alone…sadly I don’t feel this will help.
Friends that spend even a little time with me can most likely attest to the fact that I rarely get attention from anyone I am interested in but am absolutely flooded with invites from the biggest freaks in a who’s who of Ugglyville….


READING SIGNALS
Well once I was walking up the stairs to a club with Jaz and this guy said “You’re beautiful. I want to stick my tongue down your throat”
…then when I said “no thankyou” he called us lesbians
…because THAT clearly was the only logical explanation…not the fact that he smelt like beer, looked disgusting and just tried to pick me up with an incredibly sleazy line…yes I MUST be a lesbian for turning down an offer like that from a stud like yourself….Oh and I'm sure that the much more attractive and nice smelling guy that I went home with agreed with you “total lesbo”…
…the thing is, usually when I don’t like somebody, they are the kind of person that makes abrupt comments like this…but when I am into somebody I am terrible at reading signals….I either read too much into something and make a fool of myself( Please refer to my blog titled: ‘dating’ and the part with the boy who honestly said “no thankyou” when I tried to lean in for a pash…) OR I totally miss when feelings are reciprocated… and then I run into my dream boy 2 years later when he’s happily engaged and he says something like “You know I always liked you but you never seemed interested”…What did I have to do? Lick your face?


ATTEMPTED FLIRTING
It doesn’t really make sense to me how liking somebody often means that its hard to be yourself because the said person can make you that nervous that you forget how to use words.
On a rare occasion a little while ago, a seemingly sane and ridiculously handsome guy struck up conversation with me when he noticed my work shirt and he asked me what the café was like, because he’d heard good things. This is how it went down: I laughed awkwardly…even though there was nothing funny about what he had said. I then blurted out something about white chocolate and how its good as a hot drink…then I sniffed my Vicks inhaler…Yeah…I seriously don’t know…but the conversation died about there….needless to say I don’t think he will be visiting me at work anytime soon.
When I was in my teens I used to honestly try to flirt but the only way I knew how to do that was to straight out say what I was thinking…so “I like you, wanna bone?”…or something to that effect…the subtle hair tossing and all that shit was just lost on me. Nope, I wanted straight to the point.
Eventually when I decided that I didn’t want to end up with Chlamydia, I decided to be a little more tactful and try to get to know people a bit…or something?…and still no hair tossing…I shaved my head for cancer when I was 17 and its never made it back to shoulder length/hair tossing length,


MISTAKEN FLIRTING
…the thing is that while I suck at intentionally flirting I have actually been told that I have a “flirtatious personality”…so basically when I am not trying to bang somebody, they think I am because I giggle and ask a lot of questions…that is me curious…and giggly…but when I am trying to bed somebody…I go back to social retard that forgets how to form sentences. Nice right?
Also on the off chance that I do fall for a person that I can hold a conversation with (and its SO rare) ...this case of the “flirtatious personality” still proves to be a road block because if I am giggly and talkative with everyone…how can I turn it up a notch to show this particular person that I want to act out scenes from Siena Miller films with them? (referring to all the ones where she gets naked…which is a few)
Basically, when I think I am just being polite and friendly…people think I wanna take ’em home and show them a good time…and anybody I like thinks I am uninterested…. And a little bit odd
SO my proposal is that flirting is annoying and I think if you like somebody you should just tell ‘em straight out “I wanna bone ya”. ...and if they say 'no' just call 'em a lesbo...or a hetero...depending on your sexual orientation. (HELLO LADIES)
Thankyou and good night