Flirting

Flirting is something that’s never really come easily to me.
I seem to get constantly hit on by people when I feel like I am doing everything in my power to show them I’m uninterested …yet struggle to get noticed by anyone that I am actually interested in…I’ve contemplated reversing my tactics…like completely ignoring the person I am crushing on or punching them in the face…and then dancing and using pickup lines on guys that I want to leave me alone…sadly I don’t feel this will help.
Friends that spend even a little time with me can most likely attest to the fact that I rarely get attention from anyone I am interested in but am absolutely flooded with invites from the biggest freaks in a who’s who of Ugglyville….


READING SIGNALS
Well once I was walking up the stairs to a club with Jaz and this guy said “You’re beautiful. I want to stick my tongue down your throat”
…then when I said “no thankyou” he called us lesbians
…because THAT clearly was the only logical explanation…not the fact that he smelt like beer, looked disgusting and just tried to pick me up with an incredibly sleazy line…yes I MUST be a lesbian for turning down an offer like that from a stud like yourself….Oh and I'm sure that the much more attractive and nice smelling guy that I went home with agreed with you “total lesbo”…
…the thing is, usually when I don’t like somebody, they are the kind of person that makes abrupt comments like this…but when I am into somebody I am terrible at reading signals….I either read too much into something and make a fool of myself( Please refer to my blog titled: ‘dating’ and the part with the boy who honestly said “no thankyou” when I tried to lean in for a pash…) OR I totally miss when feelings are reciprocated… and then I run into my dream boy 2 years later when he’s happily engaged and he says something like “You know I always liked you but you never seemed interested”…What did I have to do? Lick your face?


ATTEMPTED FLIRTING
It doesn’t really make sense to me how liking somebody often means that its hard to be yourself because the said person can make you that nervous that you forget how to use words.
On a rare occasion a little while ago, a seemingly sane and ridiculously handsome guy struck up conversation with me when he noticed my work shirt and he asked me what the café was like, because he’d heard good things. This is how it went down: I laughed awkwardly…even though there was nothing funny about what he had said. I then blurted out something about white chocolate and how its good as a hot drink…then I sniffed my Vicks inhaler…Yeah…I seriously don’t know…but the conversation died about there….needless to say I don’t think he will be visiting me at work anytime soon.
When I was in my teens I used to honestly try to flirt but the only way I knew how to do that was to straight out say what I was thinking…so “I like you, wanna bone?”…or something to that effect…the subtle hair tossing and all that shit was just lost on me. Nope, I wanted straight to the point.
Eventually when I decided that I didn’t want to end up with Chlamydia, I decided to be a little more tactful and try to get to know people a bit…or something?…and still no hair tossing…I shaved my head for cancer when I was 17 and its never made it back to shoulder length/hair tossing length,


MISTAKEN FLIRTING
…the thing is that while I suck at intentionally flirting I have actually been told that I have a “flirtatious personality”…so basically when I am not trying to bang somebody, they think I am because I giggle and ask a lot of questions…that is me curious…and giggly…but when I am trying to bed somebody…I go back to social retard that forgets how to form sentences. Nice right?
Also on the off chance that I do fall for a person that I can hold a conversation with (and its SO rare) ...this case of the “flirtatious personality” still proves to be a road block because if I am giggly and talkative with everyone…how can I turn it up a notch to show this particular person that I want to act out scenes from Siena Miller films with them? (referring to all the ones where she gets naked…which is a few)
Basically, when I think I am just being polite and friendly…people think I wanna take ’em home and show them a good time…and anybody I like thinks I am uninterested…. And a little bit odd
SO my proposal is that flirting is annoying and I think if you like somebody you should just tell ‘em straight out “I wanna bone ya”. ...and if they say 'no' just call 'em a lesbo...or a hetero...depending on your sexual orientation. (HELLO LADIES)
Thankyou and good night

Sex and why I‘m not getting it: aka: Jaz got to choose the topic this week (Preview of my half of the joint Sunday blog with Jaz)

Jaz got to pick the topic this week and she went with sex.
Let me start by saying that this would not have been my first choice. Here are a list of things that I would rather talk about than sex:
Shoes
Fat people that cry about being fat
Burgers
Floral print dresses
Floral print anything
Tina Feyy
Why Arrested Development should have stayed on tv…forever
Why Two And A Half men should be taken off the air…immediately
Five chewing gum
I don’t feel I’m all that qualified to talk about sex these days. There was a time, in my roaring teens where I seemed to want it a lot and never had any trouble getting it.
Then I think my twenties hit and now when I look at a guy that I find attractive I don’t really think “Man I want to take him home and screw his brains out”…I kind of go “I wouldn‘t mind halving a KFC bucket with him while watching episodes of Arrested Development”…and no KFC bucket isn’t a euphemism of any kind and I don’t mean watching some fucked up dominatrix hard core porn version of Arrested development …I mean the classic Tv Show starring David Cross, Micheal Cera and Jason Bateman…but I digress as this weeks topic is not about Australian treasure, Portia De Rosis best ever work… or the contradiction of eating a lot of greasy food while watching somebody who suffered from a serious eating disorder on screen. Alas no…this blog is about sex.
I don’t mean to say that I dislike sex or that I am even indifferent to it but unless I’m really into someone these days, they don’t get ‘into’ me… yeah good one Michaela GOOD ONE.
Basically my days of one night stands seem to be a thing of the past which isn’t really something I expected to say at the age of 23. In a way I do hope that this changes when I eventually hit Europe and start travelling around. Maybe I will join the Mile-High-club and find my inner sex goddess.
There are a few contributing factors as to how Michaela lost her groove: (totally refered to myself in third person DEAL WITH IT)
The first being that my ass does not look anywhere near as good as it did when I was 19.
Once upon I time I used to look in the mirror and be like “Yeah I‘m hot” … I don’t really do that these days… If I am ever naked in front of a mirror now I generally do things like tilt my back slightly and pretend I am pregnant with Zach Braffs child or try to make it look like my tummy is singing various 90’s pop hits….I know right? How am I not fighting the guys off with a stick?…
The next thing is my social life has changed a lot also from my teens. I don’t drink as often now as I once did. Where a night used to begin at 11 or Midnight…that’s now about the time that I want to be safe in bed watching Will and Grace. This messes with things for a couple of reasons.
1. In order to be home in bed watching bad tv before the early morn, one must either
a)stay fairly close to home
or b)be prepared to catch a cab or night rider.
Staying close to home means that I generally just see a lot of the same people so unless I just want to start banging all my friends then there just is not a huge range of other people to chose from.
2. Not being drunk enough means that my standards have not yet dropped low enough to go home with the kinds of guys that hit on me (Please refer to our People in public blog… or really anything that I have ever written to fully understand the kind of freaks that I attract)… on the other hand the dudes that are out of my league are AT LEAST 10 beers away from settling for me ...see my dilemma? Once alcohol is out of the equation, sex just becomes so complicated.
My whole attitude toward sex has also changed a lot, after helping host some workshops educating teenage girls about safe sex, I really began to question whether I was practicing what I preached and it did concern me a little. WOAH DID IT GET ORPRAH IN HERE OR WHAT?
So as I am saying these things to these high school students, alarms are going off in my head…well more that noise that you hear in a game show when a contestant gets the answer wrong
Always use protection ladies…babow
Never go home with someone you’ve just met…babow
Don’t get too drunk as you may make decisions that you regret…babow… you are the weakest link goodbye.
When I think about the carelessness of my teens, I am lucky that sex for me has never led to Chlamydia… or being murdered wolf creek style because I went home with some guy I’d just met because I thought he vaguely resembled a young Rob Lowe in soft lighting.
I’ve kind of gone through all my awful sex stories in my own blog (and lets face it they are the ones worth hearing about) but I will give you the highlights:
-I once told a guy during sex that I wanted to stop seeing him and then just left without finishing the job….we have never spoken again
-A guy once seduced me then cried when we were about to do it because he missed his ex… so not an aphrodisiac. Also to make it worse he bragged about fucking me to everyone but left out the bit where he cried so I made sure I told anyone who had heard anything through the grapevine and asked me about it.
-I must have really liked this boy/we were both young and inexperienced and we got a bit carried away and fell off the couch…there were some minor injuries
-I was once really drunk and for no reason at all decided that the dude I was with (and had been seeing for a while) had an STI…and I punched him in the stomach… I repeat: for.no.reason.at.all, he wasn’t sick, everything (ahem) down there was in good health …Wow I’d kind of forgotten about that one… Its cool though once I sobered up we were able to laugh about it and eventually go on to have punch free sex.

New years eve hype

It’s the beginning of December…which means that people have already been going on about New years Eve Plans since April…pretty much.
I am a slight hater of New years Eve for the fact that it just has such high expectations placed on it which seems kind of silly to me….
The earth is starting a new cycle, lets have a party and expect everything to be better on this new cycle.
I know better though. I have my own monthly cycle and let me tell you that they do not improve…although between you, me and the internet: I do manage to prolong the effects for taking the pill way longer than you’re meant to…but then I inevitably still get my period and its still as awful as it was last time so yeah if you want to compare the new year to pissing blood (which I am going to) then next year is going to be as bleak as this year should you have no intention of changing your ways… also yeah maybe don’t take the pill for an extended amount of time…oh and Nurofen plus is very effective and this metaphor is pretty weak so Imma move on.


The first thing is that to me New years is just a night like any other and while I enjoy a good party as much as the next person I find that the best New years I’ve had were the low key ones.
Last year/this year was fun for me even though all I did was have a couple of friends over and we played scrabble and Singstar while my neighbours let off fireworks and yelled out “No!” when we asked them to set off more then we all laughed and played more scrabble. I’m pretty easily amused.
When I was living in Melbourne we had a ridiculously hot new years at my old place where we stripped down to our undies and danced…I’m pretty sure that I passed out before the fireworks that year but I also had a great time none the less…yet I’ve spent quite a few other years before and in between stressing over which party we should go to and then being disappointed because the parties we expected to be ragin’ turned out to be lame….
I don’t know what we were really hoping for but we never seemed to get it…and that’s what I want to say to people. If a party promises fairy floss, celebrities, your favourite band, a gigantic jumping castle, huge waterslide and a bubble machine…THAT is something to get really excited about but most new-years parties just end up being a bunch of drunk people talking and maybe AT BEST a bit of 90’s music…which is an ok night…but its hardly going to be the night of the year…if it is then that’s kind of a lame year.


As far as New years resolutions go, I think they are hilarious because I do not know a single person that sticks to them and I laugh soooo hard every year when people say shit like “New year new me. Bring on the New year!”…yeah right buddy….GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. 5 bucks says you’re gym membership is going to go unused and then you spend the money that you were saving for that something something exhibition (that you didn’t really want to see any way but thought you should so you appear cultured) on 1million cupcakes that you devour while watching reality tv that you can actually feel is making you dumber … oh and your no drinking idea wont last beyond an week and then one night when you’re drunk you’ll think ‘fuck 2012 the year of the vegan’…and you’ll eat a giant bit of bacon…then a steak…then a chicken wing…then vomit… which is all good because you fucking love not working out, eating cupcakes, shit tv, drinking , bacon, steak, chicken wings and a good vomit…
And that’s what life is about and frankly I hope my New years Eve is exactly like that.

My new blog with my pal Jaz

Hey friends. I've started a new blog with my friend Jaz, we are updating it weekly

http://meyouandourlives.tumblr.com/#13677812999

xo Michaela

The 5 most frequent and annoying things people post on Facebook

So I log into my email. I have about 6014 unread messages…most of which I’ve left unread for over a year…not anything important…they are predominantly from a bunch of stupid things I sign up to when I’m suffering from insomnia and think that a free samples will cure me…


…I accidentally confused the re: from some fortune teller as being an email from eBay because it was right above it and the header is “Do you really want to face these hard times alone?” I’m all ‘THAT’S A LITTLE PERSONAL EBAY’… then I look around to see if eBay can see me eating a chocolate biscuit…in bed…alone….staring at my tummy…is eBay psychic?…no its just some actual psychic lady named Tara who claims she will solve all my life problems…I think I will have better luck on eBay purchasing a new dvd to accompany my junk food.

I then stop myself because I am meant to be saving for Europe..I have to find another way to be entertained….Facebook is clearly the logical choice…but I feel like I’m stuck on yesterdays news feed…I check my computer to make sure this is not another eBay/psychic oversight…and it isn’t.

Why is it that I think I’ve time travelled back to yesterday in internet world you say?…well I’m glad you asked…PEOPLE JUST KEEP TALKING THE SAME SHIT.

Topics that come up daily without fail:



WEATHER:

Guaranteed every.single.day 10+ people feel the need to comment on the weather like its breaking news… which is cool if they have something entertaining to say AHEM examples of this would be HOW HOT IS IT jokes eg: “Its so hot HOW HOT IS IT?…it‘s so hot that today I poured Mcdonalds cofee into my lap to cool down”...classic ALWAYS FUNNY…Not interesting however is “OMG so hot”…yes? 90% of your friends live in the same city as you and they are all living it too…call me when there’s a tornado or a punch line



SONG LYRICS:

I like songs. I like to sing them randomly and loudly…I like to listen to them but every couple of weeks a new song gets too popular for its own good and obviously somehow resinates with a whole bunch of people and they all feel like they have to quote that one line and it turns up everywhere but still the people posting it don’t think “Hmm maybe enough people have written ‘now you’re just somebody that I used to know’ as their status update, maybe I can just accept that it’s a good song and go and listen to it instead of being the 4 billionth person on earth to post it”



LOADS OF BRAGGING ABOUT THINGS NOT WORTH BRAGGING ABOUT, WITH LOADS OF UNNECESSARY COMMAS IN BETWEEN

“drinking, dancing, vomiting, late night taxis, hungry jacks at 3pm …can‘t wait to do it all again next weekend”

I know what your thinking…pretty accurate portrayal of the shit you see people write…



BACKDOOR BRAGGING

“Oh man I’m playing this show tonight at this hip bar with one of the biggest bands in the country but I’m just so nonchalant about it because I am really tired from all the after parties I’ve been going to lately and all the sex I’ve been having with supermodels”…No you are not. Things are going pretty well for you and your psyched. I would be psyched too if I was banging loads of hotties and playing great shows…unlike the aforementioned unnecessary brag THIS sounds like something worth talking about…it’s ok to be stoked and to want to tell everyone but its fucking annoying that you’re trying to pretend it ain’t no thang



OMG I LOVE MY BABY

I am not talking about your actual baby…If you just had a baby, congratulations, its probably pretty normal to go around showing it off for a while now that its no longer in your womb

…I’m talking about the pet name ‘baby’ for ones boyfriend or girlfriend and the annoying daily declarations of love over social networks. I’ve been in love and when you are you do kind of want to say it all the time…but try saying it to each other instead…just a thought?…oh and if you do love your ‘baby’ so much why don’t you go makeout instead of facebooking about it…ay ay?



Here are a list of things I will never get sick of:

Links to videos of people falling down escalators (particularly escalators that are going up)

Pictures of hot girls

Mean girls quotes

Angry rants

Pictures of dogs

“I‘m so confused”-vague status updates that suggest fascinatingly glamorous struggles

Ha! I love when people write these ambiguous status updates like “OMG SO CONFUSED” making it sound like they have some huge life decision to make and then when people ask ‘what’s up?’ they are all “No no I cant talk about it”…despite having just posted on public forum…for 583 of their closest friends to see
Imma let you in on a secret the reason that they ‘cant talk about it’ ….it ISN’T because they are deciding between moving in with Chad Micheal Murray up on One Tree Hill or trying to make it work Adam Brody back in the OC and don’t want to risk ending up on the cover of GRAZIA when the media get wind of their celebrity scandal….
….but rather that they would like to elude to such interesting troubles… even though the biggest thing going on in their life is whether or not to eat wholegrain bread before they leave the house because they don’t want to poo in a public toilet…its cool ladies we’ve all been there but lets not pretend that you’re any more interesting than you are…

Translation of other hazy posts:

Update: “Omg so in love”---translation: “I just masturbated to ‘She’s all that’ staring Freddy Prince Jr”


“So happy right now”---translation: “I probably won’t cut myself tonight”



“Best night- thanks to everyone who was there”---translation: “I finally made a bowel movement after 3 days…thankyou prune juice”



Oh by the way I get that my references are all “Sooo 2005” but that’s where I like to live and I still believe that both CMM and the Brodster are going to make a comeback of epic proportions.

I have no friends and I am about to shit my pants (parenthesis: the story about how having violent diarrhoea taught me that I need to get out more )

One day while sitting in doctors surgery and pondering who I could call to pick me up in case my bowel movements became so frequent that I was to shit myself on the bus ride home….I starting going through my phonebook, my parents and brother were at work, my sister was at uni and I sort of started to find myself feeling a little bereft of friends ….and I don’t mean ‘friends’ …because I have around 448 of them according to Facebook…but I mean proper friends.
You know the kind that you can call up at anytime and be like “I need you” and you know that they would just be there for you? When I think about how many of them I have in the world the HONEST TO GOD the figure I came up with was FOUR...(eight if you include family …but I am not going to)…
Out of those four... two of them are currently overseas so the whole “I need you” thing is a little redundant if it means that they would have to fly across the world to help a sister out
…so lets say right now at this moment, I have two friends in this country that I can ask to come and pick me up from the doctors because I have a violent case of diarrhoea and am scared to catch the bus because I just may shit my pants…one of whom actually did do this for me.
Part of me feels a little ‘SHITTED OFF’ about the whole thing...I mean four? REALLY? Four?…
There a lot of things I could blame my lack of friends on…I could go “People are shit!” and at the time I am pretty sure that I did… but thinking about it, it mainly comes back to me.
Each week I get all the same invites that everybody gets. Somebody’s birthday, someone’s housewarming, someone’s band is playing but in the last month I have rarely ventured to any of them… the reasons are often these: I am too sick, I am too tired or I am working. Ok fine, these are valid enough reasons but then the routine is generally, apologise, talk about rescheduling to spend time together, never actually reschedule, repeat.
The thing is there are people that I know I would get along with and potentially be quite close to if I made the effort/people that I have been close with and drifted because I didn’t make the effort and while often I am sick, tired or working, I am not ALWAYS all these things and maybe on my days off I shouldn’t be laying about watching The Mitchell and Webb Situation on my own but I should actually schedule one of these elusive catch-up’s that I always talk about…because lets face it, Elise is going to be in Guyana for 3 months as of December and then who the hell is going to pick me up from the doctors when I am close to giving birth to several thousand poo babies?