Glitter excites me more than human interaction- A guide to being a hermit

Glitter excites me more than human interaction- A guide to being a hermit

So I have just had two days off.

While most young people would take that time to socialise, maybe have a drink and go to a show, here is how I spent my time:

Saturday after I signed off at my terrible cafe job, I decided I needed new work shoes...I know what you're thinking MICHAELA THIS STORY IS SO RIVETING TELL ME MORE...DID YOU FIND YOUR WORK SHOES? I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT. I NEED TO KNOW HOW IT ALL WORKED OUT FOR YOU!

Well yes, I did ….but I have a system that dictates whenever I buy one practical thing, I then need to buy AT LEAST ten things that I don't really need... so after that I went to the dollar shop and found shit-loads of beads and glitter, I don't even know why, my home is filled with shit-loads of beads and glitter but I couldn't help it, my heart was pounding I NEEDED MORE.

My excitement suddenly came to a halt as I tried to think about the last time I had been as excited about anything as I was to unwrap all this crap and play with it.

I thought for a while and I found myself back at the last time that I had gone on a glitter rampage and it suddenly became clear to me what A Nigella-No-Friends I am becoming.

As I left the shop I was left with mixed feelings of excitement and embarrassment and I felt myself pulling a similar facial expression to one I had seen a friend of mine make when I caught him watching porn on his phone in my in my living room...the only thing missing was a boner and if girl showed excitement in the way that males do, right then I had a giant lady boner for glitter.

Glitter had become my porn.

This little guty came up when I was googling pictures for 'ashamed'...I don't know what he did, but he looks like he feels pretty bad about it

It's sad but when I think about it there are so many things in this world that I like more than I like most people. I know that is a bit pathetic and incredibly anti-social to say that but it is quite true.

These shoes I made with the shit I bought for instance....



...or playing shadow puppets (That's a howling dog)...



...or the part in 'The Wedding singer' where this happens:


...and a long list of other stuff.

I remember when I had freshly turned 18 and was so excited by all the doors that opened up...well mainly venue doors.
I could get into 'Next'...(now known as Hot Damn...holy shit I feel old) and Purple sneakers without using my terrible fake-ids that never looked a thing like me

(to the point where a security guard laughed so hard that he called another security guard over to laugh with him about how stupid I was for thinking that anybody would believe that it was me)

and at that point I centred my weeks around all the shows I wanted to go to.

While I still love music (It's on that long list of things I love more than being near other people) I find myself getting really easily annoyed at shows

and then I just feel like an old Grandma party-pooper because the people I am annoyed at are just there trying to have fun
but they are breathing on me
sweating on me
yelling near me
and my feet are hurting
WAH
I want to go home and watch Parks And Recreation by myself and eat Pringles until I fall asleep.

It is not right. I am only 24 and though many of the teenagers I cross tell me that I am old... I never expected to feel this way at this age.

The worst part is I am not even sad about it. I don't long for my teen years, they were fucking exhausting.

The thing is I feel that I should be ashamed by the admissions I have made and am about to make because apart from being a tiny bit sick (I will save all my terrible that-time-of-month-jokes for my facebook page) I actually had a pretty enjoyable two days off.

I danced around my house to the Arctic Monkeys for a while then I felt a little bit weird for dancing by myself for so long

....like Robyn in that song- Dancing on my own

...and then she starts going on about how she is stalking some guy that she used to date

and it's WEIRD ROBYN

....so naturally I invited my dog inside to dance with me

...which means I held him up and told him to act like he was enjoying himself

...it was a weird lonely time for me

....probably much weirder than any song Robyn has ever written but I still wasn't ashamed.

I like Robyn, but I get the feeling that if you don't "call your girlfriend" she would probably murder you.

 

My dog after I forced him to pretend to like me:

I contemplated going out but then watched Spirited instead then decided to go onto IMDB for a really long time and research everything about the main character, Matt King. I did it with a real sense of urgency too.

I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHINGABOUT THIS BRITISH WONDER POST-HASTE!

(I hope you read that in a weird British accent because that is how I wrote it)

I also gave myself a haircut because I wanted to look like Karen O but ended up looking more like Lloyd Christmas.

Also my 'Flocabulary' arrived today. I am teaching myself how to rap so the next time I write a rant on what a saddo I am, it will rhyme.

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