If I was a boy...or magic...SPOILER: this ends in me buying gold teeth

I spend way too much time in my life imagining alternate lives for my self. You know just out of curiosity. I wouldn't want to be somebody or something else permanently but just to try it out.

If I was a booooy

If I was a man for a day I probably wouldn't do all that much of the things that Beyonce sings about in her song “If I was a boy”.

My first step as a male would be to take a wee somewhere...anywhere because I would have a penis and I can whip it out at my leisure.

A lot of the things I would do as a guy would revolve around having a penis.

I'd shave to make it look bigger and then just send dick picks to all my lovely male friends who have found it funny over the years to send them to me and then I'd say “Sorry I was drunk”.

I would probably try to bang a girl too just to compare male and female orgasms.

I don't really know how this whole thing would work because there isn't the technology to make me a dude for just a day...

“Excuse me doctor, do you mind flipping my junk inside out then changing it back in 24 hours..I am just a bit curious”
...yeah I am pretty sure that's not how that procedure works at all
I understand things.

"Fuck off you mental bitch"

...also I wonder if I would be a hot guy or an uggo???...If I had bad acne I would grow a short beard to make people think I am a bit of a hipster while disguising my appearance at the same time.

I'd probably just take a nap after that and when I wake up I'd ask the doctor for my vagina back as I quite like it most of the time.

If I had super-powers

I used to always play this game with my house-mate where we would think up the best super-powers and pick which ones we would rather have.

He mostly found ways to trick me into picking a super-power then when I chose it, he'd tell me all these faults in the my choice

... “Oh yeah you chose the power of flight but I forgot to mention that you can only hover 2 centre-metres above the ground, travel at 1km per hour and it only works if you are wearing a skirt...so everyone is looking at your undies...also you have to eat loads of carrots for your flight mode to work...and then you shit your pants and die...great choice”

I also love Sabrina The Teenage witch. I am mocked by my pals for this but I don't give a shit. Sabrina gets to do all these cool things and Salem, her talking cat just sits around saying witty stuff and it.is.awesome.

As a child I also used to squint my eyes so people would think I was Alex Mac and some magic shit was about to go down...
The nineties was a difficult decade for a mentally challenged young person, such as myself


Sidenote: How hot is Larissa Oleynik?

If I was a magical person, the first thing I would do is allow my dog to talk. He would sound like James Earl Jones and we'd be best buds and no matter how badly I messed up, the episode would be resolved within half an hour and I'd learn a lesson from my magic teacher and everything would be great again.

I would do all the stuff that the Sabrinas' aunts tries to teach you is bad...because you only value things if you have to work for them....which is maybe sort of true but I wouldn't give a shit because I'M MAGIC, MOTHERFUCKER!

I would be pointing my finger at stuff to get it
Instead of walking for food I would zap it with my hand,which would mean I wouldn't get any exercise but that's fine because I could just zap away all excess fat and cellulite.

I would also do some spell so I could be hot all the time and never again be asked “are you sick?” on a day where I leave the house without makeup.

I would pause time just to really fuck with people.

If somebody was being mean, I'd pause time and then just punch the shit out of them for as long as it took for me not to be mad any more
...because in real life I could never ever beat anybody in a fight.

When I un-paused, I'd just be super chilled like nothing happened and say:

“Guy, are you ok? You look like you've just been punched in the face at least 38 times”

...holy hell there is so much magic stuff I would do if I was a magic person, this probably could be pages long. Imma stop

If I was a politician

I would seriously suck at it because I have no patience or attention span and a really limited amount of bullshit that I am able to ingest from politicians but like most people I have that brief moment when a government does something stupid that makes me think “I can run this country better...”

...which I couldn't
..... but I have loads of ideas
...with no possible grasp of how I could implement them.

I can't even make my pay last a fortnight right now so I think I would suck at trying to play with a whole countries budget

Also I am female so people would call me a 'slut' and comment on my hair colour no matter what I did;even if it was something sensible.

Here are some things I would do:

Legalise gay marriage...because why the hell not?

Get dental care covered by Medicare because I want my teeth whitened... where is all the money coming from? I don't know


WARNING
it goes down hill from here...

Abolish taxes
...hell abolish money and then make everything else free

...which I guess would mean a lot of people wouldn't work

so unemployment would go up and most things wouldn't be staying open if they weren't getting money and people were just taking free stuff

but we'd all just help each other out and have a party everyday so that's nice

...maybe we could all get a little crack addiction too because the nice crack makers would just be giving it out

and everyone's just having a great time because they are just doing whatever and life is great

....please nobody ever let me become a member of parliament.

If I was famous

I wouldn't be a winging cockhead that complains 24 hours a day about never having any privacy because if I was really just doing it 'for the love of the art' I wouldn't hang out in paparazzi infested areas every chance I got.

Hi guys, have you heard of a little somebody called Natalie Portman???
..she is famous as shit yet even in the height of her fame she manges not to end up in annoying magazines because instead of seeking attention then complaining about it, she just does her thing

...by the way her 'thing' is 'being freaking awesome'.

If I was famous, I'd want to be just like Kate Nash and use my fame to be involved in cool projects that mean something to me and raising awareness for important issues...rather than being an ignorant dipshit like Taylor Momsen.

"Um, right now I'm trying to just finish my record and getting through the last season of Gossip Girl for right now. So not so much thinking about that." - Taylor to OK magazine, on the devastating earthquake in Haiti

Kate Nash is way better at being famous

She is a huge advocate for womens rights
She is always volunteering her time to local and international issues

And an ambassador for a great music program in U.K schools that encourages girls to learn to play an instrument
She has a podcast which is an Agony Aunts type thing where she responds to teen girls questions that often centre around self esteem issues

...that is the kind of stuff people should do with fame

...I could go on about all the other stuff she is involved in but at this point I think I'd be the only one paying attention so  just look at how cute she is....

If I was rich

I would buy things I didn't need...I want to say I would donate it to the poor but I am just going to insert a Louis C.k quote intsead.

“My life is really evil, like There are people who are starving in the world, and I drive an Infiniti. That’s really evil. There are people who would just starve to death. That’s all they ever did. There’s people who are like born, and they go, “Oh, I’m hungry,” and then they just die. And that’s all they ever got to do. And meanwhile, I’m in my car, like having a great time and I sleep like a baby. It’s totally my fault, ‘cause I could trade my Infiniti for like a really good car, like a nice Ford Focus with no miles on it,and I’d get back like $20,000. And I could save hundreds of people from dying of starvation with that money, and every day I don’t do it. Every day I make them die with my car.’”

—

Louis C.K

Look at his little face

It is completely disturbing that there is enough money in the world for no person to have to die of hunger yet people do all the time

We low income earners [by Australias standards] whine and say how some Billionare has a fancy as hell house that could feed a 3^rd world country

...but a lot of us do buy useless superficial shit that makes us momentarily feel good about ourselves even though soon after it gets chucked aside and forgotten about and we cry poor. 

Guilty.

Why shouldn't we buy things with money that we earn?
And why shouldn't billionares?

People look to them like they have a social responsibility to save the world but how often do the rest of us buy an unnecessary fancy dinner which priced, could feed a starving child for a month?

It doesn't mean we don't sponsor our buddy for Movember or donate to a fund-raiser when we can but it does mean that we are all a little bit selfish and probably just thought that salmon in a restaurant sounded a whole lot better than the last pack of Migoreng in the cupboard that expired 2 years ago...

Did I just get a bit deep?

Look guys, if I am being honest, if I was a billionare, I would like to believe I cared enough about the world to donate a good chunk of my money to trying to save the world but I'd also probably buy a motherfucking yacht and some gold teeth...just because

If I was a Kardashian:

I would punch myself in the face

"We decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She's 18. And I was like, that's how I feel."- Kim Kardashian

Really? Comparing CANCER to your annoying wedding?

'Nice guys' may finish last but good dudes don't.

 

Chances are if you are the kind of guy that refers to yourself as 'A nice guy', you are probably also a bit of a douche-bag.

A shitty person is capable of being 'nice' but if that sweetness is only a pleasantry to get a girl into bed then it really isn't that 'nice' at all.

"These nice flowers are for you...on the condition that we get to bang later"

I have a lot of guy friends who I love as friends but who I've spoken to about girls and seen in relationships and they are the fucking worst at it.

These guys will do all the sweet things it takes to get somebody to like them but then as soon as they have them, they treat them terribly. As soon as they have them they stop doing all the nice things it took to get them.

They revert back to being single guys, despite the fact that they no longer are.

These dudes are the same ones that will say something like “I'm sick of being the nice guy it gets me no where”....

right after saying something else like “That chick didn't say hi to me. What a slut”

… yeah man, you sound like a really kind-hearted person,I can't believe she didn't want to hang out with you, what gal doesn't want to be with a guy that refers to women as 'sluts'?

What a mental bitch

you really are a catch.

Honestly if you see a hot girl and just want to bang her because she is hot and are straight up honest about it,you are probably a nicer dude than the guy that courts her for weeks,buying her flowers then inevitably screws her over later when he finds out that she is boring as shit.

I will gladly comfort my pals that get ditched by guys or girls that they did everything right by and tell them cliché but truthful words ' You just weren't right for each other, you'll meet somebody new'.

I have stayed up many late nights over the years listening to my heartbroken friends and felt for them because they are 'The good guys'

... but I have also listened to many of stories by people who I love just as much where I've been like:

“Yeah you were a bit shit at being that persons boyfriend/girlfriend”.

If you are a person that is into grand gestures and are happy to be doing them for the rest of your life, then by all means start a relationship that way but if you are just doing something to get the girl to like you and not to make her happy, don't expect somebody to fall in love with you that way and certainly do not refer to yourself as “A good guy”

...think about this grand gesture when you are about to pay heaps of money to have somebody write Lucy's name in the sky and think:
'would I still be doing this if there was absolutely no possible way that this girl will ever touch my dick?'

if the answer is yes then go for it, if it is all about making that person happy, do it

….and even if it is just about wanting her to touch your dick, do it but don't ever complain about being 'the good guy' again, because you are not.

Come' on courtesy! Learn how to treat to people nicely [Ya wanker!]

Common courtesy seems to be not-so-common. Did you like my little play on words with the title?

It's rude not to even give me a pity laugh.

This topic is likely to overlap with other blog entries that I've written because I truly believe that manners matter.

I am a drinker, farter, and a common user of the 'f' word

... but like any [semi-]balanced human, I can get a rough gage on what kind of behaviour may offend others and know when to let my freak flag fly

...and when to pack it up, behave and present myself as a well behaved adult.

I drink and swear and have gross conversations with my like-minded pals but I wouldn't just rock up drunk and swearing at a strangers dinner party...as funny as I would find that on a sitcom, it is something that I register in my head as not being 'O.K' in the adult-world.

 

Inappropriate!
(also how much does that one girl look like Regina George?Inappropriate moves by the Mean Girls rejects )

Working in hospitality and keeping a constant smile on your face can be draining when many of the people that you serve each day are total spoilt wankers but for the most part I do it and the worst I have ever said to a customer is :

“Don't speak to me like that” …

This was after he lost his shit at me and told me to 'Wake up to myself' because I'd brought him out a drink that wasn't in the cup he ordered
...even though I had just started shift, didn't take his order at the register or make the drink
...I just brought it out to him and was greeted with that.

The old guy is now a regular ...my co-workers and I call him by his first words to me “Wake up to yourself” and he has never spoken to me like that again.

"May I offer you a side of''don't be an asshole' nuggests?"

A pal of mine says something that I think are good words to live by “I try to treat people the way that I hope people will treat my daughter”

...I don't have a daughter but I think when you love someone so much and picture them being yelled at, it would make you mad.

Yelling dickheads

You know those people who when they are mad, they don't just need you to know about it, they need EVERYONE to know.

These are the kind of saddos that get off on shouting at some teenage checkout chick at Woollies because she made a mistake with their order and accidentally forgot to give them a 0.00005% discount on their cat food

...then after that, they tell everybody on Facebook how they made the 14 year old behind the counter cry because it wasn't enough that everybody in the supermarket heard

...then they just go home to their cat (who hates them because felines can sense a unjustifiably self-righteous wanker)

I have never been a yeller. I don't see the point of damaging my voice box over somebody that I'm pissed off at... I will speak my mind but for the most part I try to be constructive and resolve a problem if it's fixable
...and if its not fixable?
...well maybe then I will sulk or eat chocolate

...but still not yell.

Screamers are the worst.
What does all that loud noise achieve?
Speak at an appropriate volume and explain what you're annoyed about.

Don't carry on like a a 3 year old, slamming and screaming. It makes everybody think you're a dick.

Even if you get your way, it's only because people are terrified of you
... or they are doing what you want so that you will leave and they can bitch about you when you go.

Wow what an accomplishment for you. You are now the screaming wanker that everybody hates. Cool life man.

loud noises

Unreliable dickheads

Predictability is boring but reliability is comforting.

I am madly in love with spontaneity and people who can constantly surprise you but I don't think that the ability to shock is a trait that is exclusive only to those who never turn up on time.

In fact I firmly believe that some of the most reliable people can also be the most surprising
...just because a guy say he'll pick you up at noon and ACTUALLY shows up right on lunchtime doesn't mean that he won't take you somewhere that will surprise you...
...and the great thing about reliable people is that they don't just remember to show up on time
they also remember stuff that's important to you so surprises are usually things that are relevant or significant to you

and not just like:

“Hey I got you flowers because girls like flowers...”

but more like:

“Hey I have super glue and a 50cent coin and we are going to glue it to the pathway at the park and watch people try to pick it up...because YOU like that...I distinctly remember you telling me that you like doing that”
Who doesn't like doing that?

"Oh darling, I've never been happier. Just look at those idiots trying to pick up that coin"

Unappreciative Dickheads
We all know those people who never get off their phone.
They are always texting or online, regardless of real-life company
but magically when you need them, you won't hear back from them for days or until they require something from you.

When you do hear back you will get a very insincere “Oh sorry I forgot”...Some don't even bother to try to string together an excuse and others will give you one that it so pathetic that you can actually feel your intelligence being insulted
...so much so that it physically hurts you and you want to physically hurt them back with a kick to the ear.
Yes people totally do read texts or miss calls and genuinely forget to respond.
I do it all the time but if you care about somebody then you apologise profusely and be a pal....or you at least come up with a good lie...I'm only half joking.

I mean honestly, answer my fucking stupid hypothetical questions or come up with a damn good reason why you didn't answer:


'Would you rather be blind for the rest of your life or have to have sex with Tony Abbott twice a day, for 20 years?'

.. .It's so hard to sleep when I don't know these things!
This:

Vs making pasty white love to that guy for 20 years?

.....(These are situations that may be very real one day and you need to be prepared)

 

In all honesty I think that feeling valued is important and it isn't even that hard to make a person feel like they are appreciated.
Sometimes it's as much as putting your phone away when you're with company that can say to a person:
 'Yes I am here in this room with you right now and I'm listening to what you're saying rather than looking for a better offer'.

... I don't think gratitude should just be reserved for big gestures by good friends but also in the random acts of kindness from near strangers.

Just saying “Thankyou” when somebody does something nice that they didn't have to do for you ...or even when they are just doing there job. If a bus driver takes you home, it's not hard to take your headphones out long enough say “Thanks, have a good day”.

If they stop to wait for you when they see you running behind the bus HELL even chuck in a
“That was so nice of you, you've just saved me waiting an hour for the next one”
... so often I see people being so stingy with their words... as if saying a quick “Thanks” requires too much effort yet its the small sweet things that people say and do that can change the whole mood of your day.

So many dickheads that non-dickheads are mistaken for being D.T.F
To me courtesy isn't just your pleases and thankyous but it's all aspects of being aware of your surroundings and how your actions can affect people.

I've spoken about most of what annoys me about people in public before in a project I used to write with a pal of mine there's not much I more I can say that I haven't already said here:

http://meyouandourlives.tumblr.com/#/13677812999

I don't exactly go around trying to engage in conversation with every person I meet, mostly at the end of the day I want to listen to music and spend the ride home not talking to anybody...once my shift is over I am all:

“HELL YEAH. NOT BEING PAID TO BE NICE TO ANYBODY. IF SOMEBODY UPSETS ME NOW I CAN TELL THEM TO GO 'FUCK A GOAT' AND NOBODY CAN FIRE ME”

...though I never have told a stranger to 'fuck a goat'
...I like having that option there.

Though even in the shittiest of moods, I still find it in me to smile at people that smile at me
...however it seems that smiling is so rare these days that some people will just take it as a go-ahead to tune you, no matter how much you insist that you're busy
...you smiled so you must want to bang
... so I keep my eye contact brief with strangers that exhibit the creep vibe.

I think its a sad day when smiles are so few and far between that people start believing that a polite facial expression is only set-aside for people who's genitals you want to touch.

HEY YOU! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! Who gets to decide what right and wrong?And would you choose life with warning labels?

Our concept of what is right and wrong may be founded on religion, or what our parents instilled in us as children, perhaps our own personal experience...and it can change, sometimes you think something is 'ethically' wrong but when it is happening to you, you are able to come up with an endless list of reasons why maybe-it's-not-so-wrong...ah the powers of hypocrisy....

When it comes to morals, I don't think everything is so black and white...there are the obvious big ones like rape and paedophilia... which I think it's pretty safe to say that the majority of people will agree are wrong...if not, you probably belong in prison or are already there.

...but even murder, you know it's 'wrong' but then there are cases of self defence and extenuating circumstances and if you were on the jury you'd be like 'yeah she killed Kim Kardashian but have you ever heard Kim Kardashian talk? Let her go, she meant well, she did it for us'

...as if you don't want to kill her..just a little bit

USING RELIGION AS A CRUTCH TO BE AN ASSHOLE (but only the bits you like)

An obvious one that springs to mind is the whole church stance on homosexuality and how people chose to interpret the bible and pick out the bits that suit them. Whatever, you're a homophobe but don't pretend it's because of god.

I don't consider myself to be religious but I did go to a Catholic school and I have read enough of the bible to know that most people that bang on about god not wanting dudes to marry other dudes...well these same people don't do a lot of other things that God apparently wants them to do (remain abstinent until marriage haha YEAH RIGHT) and they do a lot of other stuff that they are told not to do in the bible (nice haircut pal).

Hey dickhead, if you're making the decision to be anti-homosexual, based on something you read in a really really really really old piece of literature then you don't get to ignore the other bits that don't suit you. Oh yeah you're all gospel until god cock-blocks you! When he's stopping you from doing something you want to do, then you decide some of his teachings are a little dated...but you'll hang on to the one that lets you hate gays.

I think there can be a lot of beauty in religion and the idea of something bigger but I think it's pretty silly the way that some people rip things apart and choose to only see the bits that work best for them

JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN FORCE OTHERS NOT TO DO IT

Smoking is vomit-worthy to me.

I talk about how it grosses me out all the time but what grosses me out more is the idea of living in a world where people don't have the freedom to chose what they can do to their own body.

If somebody is smoking in your face or in the face of a child, by all means tell them to stop, tell them you want to sit at a cafe and drink your chai without also swallowing down a serving of lung cancer today...but if somebody tells you they are going outside for a cigarette- How does that affect you? It's not your place to give them a lecture.

They have the little pictures on their cartons to show them the damage...there are so many other things in this world that are bad for us that we all take part in. Imagine if there were picture warnings on your chocolate ….or your alcohol?

“If you eat this every day....

.....you will end up with diabeties and looking like this:

"

(remember how I mentioned that google is no longer in 'safe search')

“If you drink more than 5 of these tonight...

..... you will be this girl...

"

You'd probably still do it anyway because the things that are bad for us are also a lot of fun....sometimes you have to be your pants to make an omelet...or something to that effect...
There are few people that go through life only doing the right thing...have you ever met somebody who only does the right thing? I've met a few who are on the border of being angelic and fucking hell, they are boring as shit.

THE BLURRY BITS, (being a hypocrite and getting over it when somebody does the wrong thing)

Cheating is wrong...unless it's with Ryan Gosling- Right?... We know there is some stuff we are not meant to do and sometimes knowing that we are not meant to do something makes it that much more fun... and sometimes it's a steaming pile of shit that you started dating a guy that you thought you were into but then you met his best friend and fell madly in love with him.

Logic tells you that there's millions of other guys you could be with but fuck logic, this one is amazing.

If my boyfriend dumped me for my best friend, I would kick them both in the genitals and wish them a lifetime of adult acne and unhappiness.

I would say “What the fuck? THERE'S MILLIONS OF GIRLS IN THE WORLD, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO FUCK MY BESTFRIEND?”

Then I'd probably stay in bed for a week, listening to songs by Bic Runga on repeat(man that gal can sing heartbreak)...then I'd get over it ….because honestly, get over it. You don't have to be pals with either of them because it was a pretty shitty thing to do...still there is way sadder stuff in the world.If the two of them end up getting married, then it was meant to be, why let it upset you?...and if they break up HA SUCKED IN FUCKERS!

To me, anything that involves lying to somebody you care about feels like shit and is usually 'wrong' but I think feelings are hard to control and no matter how much you think you'd never date a married man or fall for your boyfriends best pal...yeah nobody wants to be 'that girl' but sometimes it isn't about choosing to be that girl. You can choose your actions, sure... but controlling your feelings is an all together different game....by the way I haven't banged a married man...yet..ROB LOWE I'M COMING FOR YA.

In the end. it's about weighing up what or who matters more to you and yeah people might get hurt if you are honest but I'd rather straight out have somebody tell me how they feel than sneak around behind my back, lie to me and insult my intelligence. You're still going to think your boyfriend is a prick if he says he wants to bang your pal but you'd hate him slightly less than if he told you that he'd already banged her...22 times... 21 times in your bed...and once in your kitchen...what the fuck dude? I eat there! Why are you telling me all this? ...yes honesty is the best policy...before the act....after ward, keep that to yo self.

How good would it be if people came with warnings?

I'm not so sure how well this all tied together, I think I've established that I may one day have an afair with a married man...but it's cool because I would tell you about it...and ah homophobia is gay...so is pushing your beliefs on people..hypocrisy? I know but I told you I'm aight with that...Hypocrisy is morally 'ok'...for me...not you...ah stealing? Meh...HEY GUYS! When I was googling pictures before to steal for my blog, I found this one about Matilda...How cute was she? What are you even doing reading my blogs? Just watch Matilda, she will teach you everything about life that you need to know

Ways to feel like less of an ass-face without even leaving your computer screen

Ways to feel like less of an ass-face without even leaving your computer screen

Ever felt like you are a bit of an ass-face? Said or done something that was just a little bit stupid? Are you searching for somebody to make fun of to make your own life feel a bit less empty and sad? Look no further! I've got you covered....
With Michaela's-list-of-people-who-are-definitely-way-sadder-than-you-and -if-they-are-not-then-maybe-you-should-sort-your-shit-out
... it's a long title


People who post at the bottom of any current affair article
When I want to feel better about myself, I just read the comments posted on pretty much any type of current affair article and watch ass-holes trying to blame every single thing that has ever gone wrong on their Government...
First these geniuses talk about how they could do a better job of running their country than their President/ Prime-minister...which would be ok if they weren't the most ill-...informed individuals and mostly spouting made-up statistics mixed with racist or sexist or digs at their Parliamentary leader...or sometimes just picking on a physical trait...oh wow, you are so smart, Julia Gilard is a 'stupid ranga'....yes her hair colour must really come into play when she's coming up with that carbon tax...A brunette never would have gone for such a thing! 'What an absolute whore she is!'
...
Maybe instead of focusing on the gender, race or hair colour of the politician, take a look at what the party is doing and what is wrong with their policy.
If your only issue is: “TAXES! FUCKING TAXES”
...Do you have any concept on how a country is actually run? Have you ever had to see a doctor? Driven on a road? Done a little wee on a side-walk?
Where do you think the money for all of this comes from?
It is perfectly ok to be unhappy with your Government, I am hardly Labours biggest fan right now but maybe educate yourself and go running your mouth off. What a bunch of wankers

Read comments at the bottom of any youtube video

The people who comment on youtube clips are about 90% dickhead...I don't mean that 90% of people that comment on these clips are dickheads...I mean that every single person that comments on a youtube clip is made up of 90% dickhead.

Seriously, have you ever read youtube comments? They are so stupid that it hurts. Mostly its people just quoting the video that you just watched... what dude? We all just watched it, why are you quoting it? Oh Will Ferel said “miiilk was a bad choice”... I know that he says that... Do you know how I know? Because I just watched the clip and shit my pants laughing even though I've seen it 861 times but it's as funny now as it was when I watched it the first time...STILL you don't need to say it..the actual name of the video is “Milk was a bad choice”... Its a 12 second video with very little dialogue... In fact the only words in it are mentioned in the title...you don't have to say anything. You are the worst.

The other kinds of people that like to comment on youtube videos are straight up argumentative ass-faces (technical name)...these ass-faces come in all shapes but these are my faves

The I-know-more-than-you ass-face

As the name may suggest, this guy/gal likes to prove that they know more than you about everything. If you are watching a band video, they knew them first, they knew them before they were famous, they touched the singers penis and know his favourite colour... If you are watching a comedy, they think you are such an ass-hole because you never watched the comedian do stand up before they got their big break...like get off the bandwagon you pretender, who are you? How have you not seen every single comedians stand up ever? And I bet you only know who the Moldy Peaches are because you heard them on Juno....

Yeah that is actually how some people talk... Does it really matter if somebody only heard a song yesterday? Are they not allowed to like the song? Is there only a certain amount of 'like' allowed for a song and if they suddenly like it are they stealing your 'like'...is there not enough 'like' to go round?

The What-you-like-is-shit ass-face

You're not even sure why this character is here. They kind of turn up on this really awesome Hanson video just to say they don't like Hanson. First off, What the fuck dude? Why do you not like Hanson? Do you have working ears and a heart?...

Anyway they just say a bunch of stuff about how the thing that you like is actually shit...but why? Why are they looking at this video in the first place? Do something else. You're very weird

I have no interest in Twighlight..so I don't watch Twighlight videos...why don't you go do something that you do like?

The if-you-don't-agree-with-me-I'm-going-to-make-homophobic-comments assface

This dude just calls everyone 'faggot' and tells them to eat a dick because they are obviously gay... and that's what homosexuals do. How clever. What a very clever ass-face

Have you heard of a little website called “Guys with iphones”...??

This site contains a lot of penis...I'm not going to lie to you it's like 99% wang...as in its mostly naked dudes and at the bottom of the page it says “Powered by a love for hot men who appreciate the finer gadgets in life.” and then there are heaps of advertisements for porn on the site...

I blame my pal, Elise for this mishap because when we were trying to look up pictures of severely obese people (hint:another way to feel good about yourself) she so kindly suggested that I take my google search off 'moderately safe mode' and now when I look up anything in google images, all I get are boobs and dicks...boobs and dicks...Google search: Betty White and I bet even a few boobs and dicks pop up

Anyway, I wouldn't recommend going on there...I was honest to god trying to look up pictures of douchey guys with stupid topless facebook photos of them being vain and so ya'll could laugh at them too...but I was subjected to something 'vein' in an altogether different way...penises...I'm talking about penises.... and a lot of them ...but because I care about my audience, I persevered and have brought you a [G rated] collection of douchey guys and girls who will make you feel much better about yourself

"I'm taking this photo of myself and I'm really surprised"


"I only like to open my eyes half way because I think it makes me look like Ryan Gosling"...It doesn't

"Just two bro's, taking photos in front of the mirror...like bro's do"



"I can do this with my arm and hold my phone with the other arm but I still haven't worked out the timer feature on my camera"


I don't even....
The ones of girls were not as funny so I am just posting a bunch of duckfaces described as "specquackular" by http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/50-specquackular-duckfaces

Please appreciate the amount of dick-picks I scrolled through to find these gems....And speaking of Dicks....

How can you not feel better about yourself when you see that guy?

What an ass-faced dick

Home remedies for a brain that behaves like an asshole...And pictures of Paris Hilton

Every brain is so different and I spend a lot of time trying to understand other peoples minds and motives. There is an endless list of things that I fail to understand about the human mind and since I'm hopped up on caffine, I'm going to write about 6 things that don't make sense to me... until I get sleepy or distracted.

I think even the most confident people are going to have periods of self doubt. I blame self esteem for most misunderstandings. If people knew how to express themselves properly maybe there would be less jerks around.

Insecurity can manifest itself so differently from person to person. For some people it just makes them feel the need to take topless pictures of themselves and put them on Facebook and write annoying status updates about needing hugs...then there are the kind of people that just get really fucking mean.

Mean People

Lately I've been fixated on how people can be so mean. Didn't they sing songs in preschool about being nice to others? Didn't they fucking watch Barney?

I don't think that people are mean for no reason at all, I think people are mean because they are afraid of something...generally afraid of losing something or afraid of feeling something...I know it's often the case for me.

Sometimes I see somebody doing something cruel and I wonder why. I wonder what they have to gain from making another person feel small.

I've never enjoyed being patronised and I've never been any good at being condescending myself. I've never felt any kind of thrill from making another person feel awful, even if they have made me feel awful... I don't mean that I haven't ever said or done mean things but I generally feel so bad that I end up apologising profusely because the guilt eats at me like I'm a hamburger and the guilt is Kirsty Alley....


 THAT'S MEAN MICHAELA! SORRY KIRSTY! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

Though lately I am wondering whether compassion and empathy are missing personality traits for some people because things that people say and do can sometimes only be described a heartless, callous, insensitive...or may favourite “FUCKED”.

Social networking is like a breeding ground for wankers... People thrive having an audience to watch their dumb internet bullying.

So often, you see somebody write something that is clearly not intended with any malice and even with the ambiguity of text and no matter how many times you read over the statement, you can't find anything cruel in it.... but some argumentative asshole decides that the comment was definitely a personal attack on them. And some dumb online war breaks out

“Oh I read your status, You love cookies? What is that? Are you some kind of racist?”

What could that even mean?

The remedy for being an asshole: Look at your life and try to work out why you get off on talking down to people. If constantly humiliating people gives you a boner then maybe you should seek psychiatric help because in medical terms, you are 'fucked'

Grown adults who think they are adorable when they talk like babies

You are not! Please stop with your fake speech impediments. People spend years and loads of money to learn how to correct their speech defects yet you are purposely putting on a voice that makes you sound like a toddler. The only kind of person you are going to attract with your baby talk is a blind paedophile.

Catchphrases: “I need snuggles”

“I wuv my baby”

The remedy: I don't know? A lobotomy? A dictionary...? A John Cusack film? A book on how-to-express-yourself-with-real-words? A montage of Sylvester from Loony Tunes saying things vs Jude Law saying things and you can decide which one has a sexier voice?

vs

Unreliable people

Unreliability in general just annoys me, though I can look past it if somebody is a generally nice person but just not that organised, because I am not that organised myself.

I am an over-committer. Oh what's that you say facebook? 26 events all on the same night? And one is in Melbourne? I can totally do that. This is how I get burnt out and sick all the time. Overcommitting is one thing I do understand.

I have come to accept that the majority of my friends are going to be late for almost every occasion and I can forgive that as long as they recognise when something is important and make the effort.

What I struggle to comprehend is the idea of verbally committing to thing's when you have no intention of doing them. Honestly it's much easier for somebody to tell you in advance that they can't do something than to find out 5 minutes before that you are going to see the Backstreet Boys on your own. Honestly, if you have no intention of doing something, just straight out say you can't...make up a lie if you have to. I'd probably rather you lie to me a day in advance and feed me some elaborate story about why you can't make it, than you call me on the night and say “I have no money” or some other lame flakey excuse...really?

The thing that I find most intriguing about these erratic beings is that they are often not all that understanding when you have to bail on plans yourself...Even if you have a decent excuse....WHAT DO YOU MEEEEAN YOUR GRANDMA IS IN HOSPTITAL? WE HAD PLANS BITCH....never mind that last week they skipped your birthday because some dude in a band asked them to go back to his place and drink bong water.

The remedy: prioritise

Complete selfishness

I believe its healthy to be selfish at times. I don't think its possible to be completely selfless and still be happy all the time but I am baffled by just how many people will not do anything that doesn't get them some kind of personal gain.

I think that the average person can not be that busy in their own world that they can not spare time to occasionally do something just out of the goodness of their heart. Perhaps if that's too much to ask, they can start with baby steps and just be a little bit considerate of the people around them.

I had this wicked bitch of a customer come into the choclateria that I work at with her friend. Her friend said about 8 times that he was allergic to chocolate but instead of being like “Hey that's cool, let's go pretty much anywhere else...somewhere where everything isn't chocolate with a side of dipping chocolate so you can have something”...she proceeded to stare at our menu for the next 10 minutes...I seriously wanted to punch her for him.

He kept saying “Yeah I can't have anything here” and she just kept saying things that made me want to hit her “Oh this looks good”

HE CAN'T FUCKING HAVE IT YOU MENTAL BITCH. This is like taking a vegan to a steakhouse, why the fuck are you here?

I get that people don't have time to be all Mother Teresa and volunteer every day of their life but do you think you could have a little fucking understanding for somebody who is meant to be your friend?

Catchphrases: “me me me”

“Why are you upset?..Oh wait I don't care”

The remedy: Go do some volunteer work...maybe watch The Green Mile, Rabbit Proof Fence or the first 7 minutes of Pixars film Up!.... If you cry, Congratulations! You are capable of empathy! There is hope for you yet!

"Tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people"

People who believe rules do not apply to them

I'm not sure what the deal is, these people come from all kinds of socio-economic backgrounds so it's not just a 'posh' kind of thing. Some people just have this unfounded sense of entitlement that makes them believe they are allowed to jump the queue, smoke in non-smoking areas, park in loading zones and pretty much just ignore every sign ever made.

Catchphrases: “I'm just going to go before you”

Remedy: WAIT YOUR TURN MUTHAFUCKA!

People who run hot and cold

One day they are sending you a million texts and want to hang out all the time... then you don't hear from them for weeks but they turn up suddenly and now require a large quantity of your attention for another few days ….then rinse and repeat. These people are exhausting.

Catchphrases: “Lets hang”....followed by 4+ weeks of no contact then “lets hang”

The remedy: look up the word 'consistency' in the dictionary and try to implement it in some way shape or form before everybody gets sick of your temperature changes and decides to get a new fancy hot water system...oh I don't know guys, its really fucking cold and I think I've taken this blog entry as far as I can go and now I just want a bath. Ok Bye

proof....



And uh......................................................................